Welcome to episode 3 of the disruptive social skills podcast by Lifeconfident where we focus on melting away shyness and social anxiety, building skyscraper confidence, and developing cloud-bursting social skills – I’m your host Richard Gray and today’s topic is:

Six Body Language Betrayals that transfer the balance of power to you at parties

As a person with shyness or social anxiety, going to parties, clubs, networking events, the office party, or any kind of social gathering can be your worst nightmare. That is until you learn how to read the room and discover - not everything is as it appears.

 

Going to parties and places where people gather socially, will be almost impossible to avoid as you go through life, and you shouldn't want to. After all, life is not a computer game where you only get three lives - in real life you get much more...

 

So you've got this far in life and you've probably died a thousand times already from embarrassment, awkwardness, or frustration, but the game hasn't ended. The lives keep on coming, but are you learning and gathering skill packs for your character?

Chances are, if you have a fear about parties, it's because you know how everything's going to play out before you even get there. And it looks something like this...

 

If you go with a friend, at some point they will drift off and get lost in conversation with someone else. Whether you're standing at a bar or sitting at a table, it now feels like you're under the spotlight of a thousand furtive eyeballs.

 

Self-consciously, you try to act casual, look relaxed, look busy, look like you're waiting for someone to return with drinks, look like you just received a text. It's a funny text so you give a half smile just to let the secret watchers know, you may be by yourself right now, but you're not alone.

 

At some point though, you just get tired of all the pretence, because none of the busy cool people are looking at the awkward person, they're all busy with their own pretence. So you slip away into the night, and kiss another life goodbye.

No doubt you have heard the term 'exposure therapy'. It's the first and almost always, the only piece of advice people have for those seeking to overcome shyness or social anxiety, and reduce their levels of anxiety in social situations. You'll recognise the advice as: 

 

 

It's best to learn some specific conversation skills before doing this, otherwise the same pattern will always repeat itself. But there is another thing to take care of before trying out any specific strategies.

 

Imagine going to a party armed with some conversational Kung-Fu, but you haven't yet gained an emotional intelligence skills pack for your character, so you can't yet read the room and identify the most receptive people to use your Kung-Fu on (in the best possible way)...

Watch the feet of the people talking to each other, if their feet and torso are square on to each other, they are in harmony, but if at least one foot is pointed away from the other person, then they are ready to leave the conversation.

 

 

If you see somebody who has their feet crossed, and supporting their weight on one foot, perhaps leaning against a wall. this person is feeling relaxed and confident in their environment. (The flight fight instinct of our brain won’t allow this pose unless we are 100% comfortable)

 

 

A person crossing their arms while standing or sitting, or otherwise finds a reason to put their arm across their chest, such as fastening buttons on an item of clothing, or holding something in front of them, is creating a barrier between themselves and others. These people are in defensive mode.

 

 

A person with their hands clutched behind their back (professor like) leaving their front exposed, is conversely and subconsciously telling you they don’t want to be approached.

 

 

If the other person is rubbing their neck or arm, (or legs if they are sitting down) then they are anxious and trying to calm themselves.

 

 

Somebody who has their hands on hips, spreading their arms out along the back of a sofa, or spreading their stuff out on a table, is trying to dominate the space.

 

Observing this world of body language takes your attention out of your own head and can be very useful for informing you who is approachable, and who is not. Learning this unspoken language is a powerful step to developing emotional intelligence about how others are feeling.

Sooner or later, another invite is going to come around, or you're going to push yourself into going to a meetup group, conference, or networking event. This time it will be to test your new emotional intelligence, and power up your character.

 

Free events and meetups can be found anywhere, but the ones that take place in capital cities will attract the biggest audiences. These are the ones you can most easily lose yourself in.

 

Typically, there will be one or more speakers who will do a free presentation, and pitch you their product or course, but you will be going for the networking opportunity.

 

Attendees will gather for at least half an hour before the start, then there will be breaks, and finally a third opportunity to mingle or observe after the event.

 

At social gatherings, and especially networking events, the whole point is to socialise with others, but many will already be in pairs or groups. So the question is - who to approach?

Now you have the knowledge to spot anxious or defensive body language, you can make a conscious choice to rule these people out as conversation partners.

 

Now you can read group dynamics and spot who wants to leave a conversation, you could also choose to leave these groups alone. After all, you don't want to join a conversation where the other participants are ready to leave.

 

But what if two or more people are talking, and their feet/torso's are facing each other? This could be a good group to enter. There is no need to over-complicate doing this, simply walk over and stand facing them, listening to the conversation.

 

At networking events particularly, this is not rude behaviour, but normal and expected behaviour. If the group is receptive, their body language will open up to include you.

 

One final thing to note, if their torso's turn toward you, but their feet do not, then their conversation may have gone beyond casual, and to a private level. Now you know how to read the cues, you can simply say, 'enjoy the event', and move on. 

If you are approaching a lone person at an event, here's a quick three question strategy:

1. Are you/did you enjoy the speech/presentation?

2. What business are you in?

3. It's been good meeting you, shall we exchange business cards? (Or the digital equivalent)

 

Many conversations drag on beyond their expiry date, and for many an anxious person, this is reason enough to avoid engaging in the first place. With that in mind, did you notice how the third question makes it clear that you are bringing the interaction to a close?

For anyone whom has ever been advised to 'just speak up more and everything will get better with practice', and you know (because you've tried), that it's just not that simple, in this article, we have pointed out why. 

 

One main contributing factor that makes anyone feel low in confidence, or inadequate in any setting, is lack of knowledge or ability. Practicing is great advice if you have something to practice, and you know who to practice with. So here's the three steps to making a success of exposure therapy:

 

 

I'm Richard Gray, Founder of Lifeconfident.com, and whilst we can't invite you to one of our events at this time to practice step three, we do have you covered with steps one and two. Feel free to learn more with the Social & Emotional Intelligence Masterclass, or our Small Talk MasterKeys Program.

 

Well, I've enjoyed writing this article, and I hope it's been just a little bit enlightening. Shall we exchange details?

Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode.

To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the social and emotional intelligence masterclass, or the small talk masterkeys program, visit lifeconfident.com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.