Welcome back to a new podcast episode from the social skills doctor where we will be covering the essential guide to developing your social skills. I’m told that I have a hypnotic voice which comes in very useful as I’m a hypnotherapist, however, if you’re planning to listen to me while going to work, be sure to have a coffee first. I don’t want to be responsible for a pandemic of cars drifting into ditches, or commuters missing their stops.

Ok, so there’s only a handful of truly important things you need to be able to do, to survive in this world, such as feeding yourself, putting a roof over your head, and avoiding hungry tigers. But if you want to thrive with humans, then social skills are your keys to the kingdom.

Without the ability to communicate well, build rapport, and get the cooperation of others you won't be able to get to the next level in life on your own terms. Without good social skills, your chances of career advancement are reduced. Without good social skills, it becomes hard to make friends, build relationships, and ultimately find a life partner. 

Without social skills any success you have will be limited and unreliable. Limited because even if you find the road to success, you don't have a ticket so the bus won’t stop to pick you up. Instead, you have to hope the driver is in a good mood and wants some company that day. But honestly! how many drivers have you ever met like that?

I say unreliable because in any contract of success there's two sides - you and the other person. Without social skills to make this contract fair and balanced, you can't fully stand up for yourself, showcase yourself, and demonstrate your value, so your fortunes become more reliant on the other person, whether this is a boss choosing who to promote, or a new person choosing you for a friend or partner.

And let's not also forget the contract you have with yourself. There's a direct link between social skills and mental well-being. Those who struggle with poor interpersonal skills often experience heightened levels of anxiety or depression. Conversely, those who have developed strong interpersonal abilities tend to enjoy better overall mental health.

This glimpse of a life without social skills is a gloomy one right? and one we must, as a priority, take responsibility for and develop our social skills in order to put ourselves on a level playing field in this competitive world. Make others see your value so they will recognise their lives have just become a little better because of the friendship or relationship they managed to secure with you. One they will work harder to keep and not take for granted.

Embarking on the journey of improving your social skills doesn't have to be a chore but instead an exciting opportunity to unlock your true potential in connecting with others and all the secondary benefits that entails. A good place to begin is by identifying your existing strengths and weaknesses. By self-assessing and getting feedback from any friends or family members you can trust, you may gain valuable insights into how you can enhance your social skills.

What you're aiming to achieve with these activities is to build a map of your strengths and weaknesses. Identifying the types of settings where you perform well and those where you... well, don't. To this end, after reflecting on some past experiences, ask yourself:

These types of question will enable you to identify your triggers both for what enables you to be free with your personality, and what is causing you to tense up, close down, and stop representing yourself well. Is it certain people? Environments? What is it about them and how are they making you feel?

Another way to look at this and gain insights that will help you build up that map of your strengths and weaknesses is feedback from others. If your ego can handle negative feedback then asking those close to you for their opinion on what you do well, and where they think you are lacking will most likely reveal some blind spots, or areas for improvement within your social skills repertoire that you were completely unaware of - or you held false beliefs about.

Before seeking input from friends, family members, mentors, or colleagues you can trust for an honest opinion, reassure them first that you will not be offended by whatever they have to say. If you think you might take offense, or you’re known for taking offense, then think twice about put the burden on the other person because this will not be easy for them.

Developing strong social skills is crucial for successful interactions and relationships. It allows us to connect with others, effectively express our thoughts and feelings, and navigate various social situations with ease. Think of social skills as being like social clothing, the better, or more appropriately you are dressed for the particular situation the better people will view and respond to you. Here then are some social garments you can dress yourself in:

Active listening is a foundational aspect of effective communication. By fully engaging with the other person, paying attention to both their verbal and non-verbal cues, and responding appropriately, the benefits are multiple. Not least because you're making the other person feel listened to in a world where attention is hard to come by. Some of those benefits are:

Empathy is a natural byproduct or extension of active listening. It plays a vital role in building connections by allowing us to understand and share another person's emotions or experiences.

While active listening enables you to be more focused on what the other person is saying, empathy is being able to recognise the real meanings. The underlying issues that are shaping their thoughts and choice of words, how the words are spoken, and the accompanying body language. Empathy is picking up on these signals, seeing the issue from their perspective, and responding with compassion or whatever may be needed. 

Cues such as facial expressions, gestures, posture, and tone of voice often convey more meaning than words alone. More interestingly, this secondary underlying body language is powered by the subconscious which makes it more honest, while verbal communication is produced by the conscious mind which, as we all know, has the potential to be deceptive or concealing.

This area of social skills is a rich and deep topic full of insights into human nature, and opportunities for rapport building, so we will mine that vein in a future article. Simply be aware for now that non-verbal cues can become an extension of your empathy by helping you accurately interpret others' emotions while also allowing you to express yourself more effectively through body language.

Effective communication involves expressing yourself clearly while being receptive and attuned to what the other person has to say. Use appropriate language choices, maintain good eye contact during conversations, speak confidently and adapt your communication style based on the situation or audience. 

These points will ensure that your message is conveyed clearly, confidently, and persuasively. Communicating at this level creates the impression you know what you are talking about (even if you don't) and will inspire trust in those listening. 

You have by now probably noticed that these four areas of social skills all feed into, and support each other. Good active listening skills feeds into your ability to tune into non-verbal cues, which in turn gives you all the information you need to choose an empathic response. And elevated abilities in all three areas feeds into more effective communication abilities.

Eye-contact will naturally improve as you refocus your attention to the other person during active listening. As you become more aware of body language and posture, so you will become more aware of your own posture and strive to improve it. Better posture elevates your height, and by extension your confidence levels, which in turn opens up your chest and allows for better breathing, which allows for a better quality of sound in your voice.

When you're shy or anxious your breathing tends to become shallower and more quickened. This produces a quieter, higher pitched sound from your vocal cords, while slower deeper breathing from the abdomen will produce a richer more confident sound.

It's important to point out that shyness and social anxiety doesn't automatically mean a lack of social skills although they can act like a blanket, smothering your minds ability to function well in social settings. They can also be the underlying reason if you didn't get sufficient opportunities for your interpersonal skills to naturally develop in the first place.

Through the self-assessment techniques we talked about a few minutes ago you can begin to identify triggers that are firing your shyness or anxiety thought patterns, then take steps to address or avoid them. The following are three very effective and fast-acting approaches to resolving trapped emotions from past experiences that may be responsible for any present-day anxiety issues:

There are resources that will enable you to self-apply techniques from any one of these three therapeutic approaches, however, the full effects that can be experienced through a one-on-one session with a practitioner will be hard to achieve through self-application. To balance things out then, the following are three approaches you can try by yourself:

In this podcast then we have discussed the importance of developing social skills and the benefits they can bring to your life. We have covered some self-assessment techniques and four key pillars of social skills development (although there are others), and we have seen how they are interdependent on each other. Finally, we have discussed how shyness and social anxiety can effect your social skills development, and covered three therapeutic approaches and three self-application approaches to counter them. 

Thanks for listening and I look forward to catching up with you again in the next episode.