Whoa, Whoa, Whoa
June 16, 2022
The key to deeper intimacy is communication. This podcast lays out clear steps to create the intimacy you truly yearn for. The real magic happens when we slow all the way down, relax our nervous systems, get present, and allow the truth to emerge. From this centered place, we can actively listen and feel truly heard. Can’t wait for you to get a taste of magic this week! When we are in the present moment, the truth emerges.
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hi hello, come on in, I am really glad you're here today and I want to tell you that I probably sound a little different and that is because I've been dealing with this crazy bronchial virus and I think a lot of people have it right now. It's not covid, but it's just very long lasting and doesn't seem to want to leave me, so I have to do the podcast with this voice which is probably okay. So that got me thinking a lot about speech this last week. Of course I listen and talk for a living. So speech is kind of a big deal, right, do you have to speak a lot in your work? Maybe at home?
I was listening to my husband talk on the phone the other day and I know that sounds bad, but I wasn't really interested in what he was saying and I couldn't hear the other person. But what I noticed was when he would say something, he kind of would be left hanging and he would start to offer a little anecdote or a shared topic from his life and whoever he was talking to was just kind of kept on going with whatever they were talking about and I noticed that pretty soon he just sort of stopped offering and ended up saying a lot of "Oh yeah, right, yes, yes, I hear you. Oh sure, yeah", so he had to switch into full on listening mode. Which is not a bad thing, but I think he probably didn't feel very seen or heard by his friend and you know, this happens a lot, doesn't it?
Do you feel seen and heard? Do you feel like you're able to get your point across or to go a little deeper if you need to with your friends or family, with your loved ones? Yeah, it's a big deal. It's a really big deal. And I think that there are steps that you could take today, like when you get off this podcast or in your next conversation, to examine and maybe adjust your speech so that you can be not only better heard, but that you can be a better listener for people that you really care about.
I got to thinking about watching television when I was growing up and of course television grew out of other types of media, right, before television, it was either what written or live plays or film. And so television was done a lot like all of those things, especially plays. Um, it was just a filmed play essentially in many cases. And I don't know if it was just that or if it was the era, but people spoke a lot more slowly, a lot more clearly. And I remember when I think it was West Wing, so it could have been another, um, similar show came on the air. You know, the big deal was how quickly they spoke and how over the top of each other they spoke and how real that was, how real that was. So we do that a lot. I do that a ton. I've always spoken pretty quickly and sort of glided over my words. It takes a lot of effort for me to enunciate for you here on the show and probably often, well, I wonder if you're feeling like, what did she just say there? So I'm trying to speak up and be clear.
How can you today slow down your own rate of speech even just a minuscule amount to include more breaks, pauses, breaths and listening, moments, lots of times we want to get in there because we've already got a new idea and we don't want to forget it. And I think especially as we get older, we know we're gonna probably forget it and that's frustrating. So it's like we want to say it, say it now before it's gone because it's such a great thought. I would say probably try trusting that if it's such a great thought it's not likely to get lost, it will come around back to you. It'll come around, trust yourself a little more. You know, that's the neat thing about slowing down our speech is it actually can create a calmer nervous system. You could try that right now. Well don't try it right now, but when you're done listening, just start talking very, very, very quickly. So if I'm going to do it right now, I'm gonna actually kind of increase my rate and I'm gonna talk like this? And I'm going to say, you know, I was just really really thinking about this and I couldn't help myself and I just kind of ran outside and just ran outside and ran around the rain and you feel it? Notice your body right now, yeah. Whether that speech comes from outside of us or inside of us I think has a very similar impact. It revs up the nervous system and there are times when that needs to happen. If I was going to go for a run, I might need to talk like that for a minute, even in my own head to get myself to have the energy to get up and go.
But generally when I'm in a conversation it's so much nicer to just take a pause. So what does that enable you to do? You can stop and just imagine what you're hearing from another person. What are they trying to convey to you? What does it feel like for them? Why do they care if you understand it? How close do you feel to this person? What other emotions are coming up? Just feel it, just tiny little notes. Again, you don't have to worry about what will be your next statement. Your next statement will come and if it doesn't you can take a pause and it will come, what else can that do for you? We've already said it can help you be a better listener. It can help you feel calmer. It can help you get clearer, right? How does it do that?
Well, we know that if the nervous system is sympathetically charged so that it is ready to go, it's revved up and ready to go, maybe has a little fear or a little activation. Yeah, that it's possible that we won't think as clearly, as fully as spaciously and as inclusively, right? That's a private moment in our bodies. That's our body going, this is about me and I need to do something, even if that something is stand here frozen, but it's not a great thinking space and it's not a great community space. It's not really relational. Does that make sense to you? It's not really a place where your heart feels full of love and warm and open and ready to, um invite somebody in deeper. So from that perspective, if you become more aware of your own speech patterns and your own breathing patterns and I'm a little frustrated today because typically I would be taking more deep breaths during this conversation, but I can't because my option is to breathe a little more shallowly and still be able to do this recording or to breathe deeply and cough through the entire thing. So I'm going with A, um but you can do that, right? You can take those breaths and you can even notice if you're with somebody that their breathing will probably relax, right? That that gives them permission to slow down. They won't be feeling like, oh my gosh, I got to get this idea out before she jumps in and takes over and I've lost my moment and I don't get to talk to her and tell her what I'm really feeling. No, the other person will feel like, oh there's time.
And I would say even if you don't have time on the clock, you have time make time what's more important, what's more important than being heard and seen and listening? Nothing. This goes for your kids. You might need to get a lot of information across, write them a note if you can and then spend more time in calm speech with them, right? Use one word to signal something they need to do and then take the time that you would have spent over explaining that thing. You know, brush your teeth. Because if you don't, you're gonna have cavities and you have to get the sugar off and you had that soda tonight and blah blah blah. No go brush and then spend the rest of the time listening, breathing, calming. It could change everything.
What would happen if just in our communities we could slow down not have the most immediate retort, take a breath. So I hope that's helpful. See what you can do with that. I'm really excited to hear what comes of it for you can you notice a difference in your relationships, in your phone calls with people you love? Can you notice that you can also give yourself permission to be heard more? Maybe if it stops being sort of a game show competition between who can insert the most interesting little stories and becomes more about, I really want you to hear me and see me right now and how neat to recognize that you kind of feel what I'm feeling too. Yeah, that's good stuff. So let me know how it goes.
We're in our I think this is the 21st episode and it is so much fun to share with you. I have loved hearing from you and so appreciate when you reach out and let me know how things are going and when you like to listen and if you do enjoy it, please share with a friend. We have over 50,000 downloads now, which kind of blows my mind and you know, let's double that. Let's, you know, help a few more people that we really care about call them in and if you really love this, I would really love to share my subscription membership with you when you join seriously yourself, you get incredible goodies that are all outlined for you on my website and I'd love to have you along. It is great fun, talk to you soon. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Hi hello, come on in, I am really glad you're here today and I want to tell you that I probably sound a little different and that is because I've been dealing with this crazy bronchial virus and I think a lot of people have it right now. It's not covid, but it's just very long lasting and doesn't seem to want to leave me, so I have to do the podcast with this voice which is probably okay. So that got me thinking a lot about speech this last week. Of course I listen and talk for a living. So speech is kind of a big deal, right, do you have to speak a lot in your work? Maybe at home?
I was listening to my husband talk on the phone the other day and I know that sounds bad, but I wasn't really interested in what he was saying and I couldn't hear the other person. But what I noticed was when he would say something, he kind of would be left hanging and he would start to offer a little anecdote or a shared topic from his life and whoever he was talking to was just kind of kept on going with whatever they were talking about and I noticed that pretty soon he just sort of stopped offering and ended up saying a lot of "Oh yeah, right, yes, yes, I hear you. Oh sure, yeah", so he had to switch into full on listening mode. Which is not a bad thing, but I think he probably didn't feel very seen or heard by his friend and you know, this happens a lot, doesn't it?
Do you feel seen and heard? Do you feel like you're able to get your point across or to go a little deeper if you need to with your friends or family, with your loved ones? Yeah, it's a big deal. It's a really big deal. And I think that there are steps that you could take today, like when you get off this podcast or in your next conversation, to examine and maybe adjust your speech so that you can be not only better heard, but that you can be a better listener for people that you really care about.
I got to thinking about watching television when I was growing up and of course television grew out of other types of media, right, before television, it was either what written or live plays or film. And so television was done a lot like all of those things, especially plays. Um, it was just a filmed play essentially in many cases. And I don't know if it was just that or if it was the era, but people spoke a lot more slowly, a lot more clearly. And I remember when I think it was West Wing, so it could have been another, um, similar show came on the air. You know, the big deal was how quickly they spoke and how over the top of each other they spoke and how real that was, how real that was. So we do that a lot. I do that a ton. I've always spoken pretty quickly and sort of glided over my words. It takes a lot of effort for me to enunciate for you here on the show and probably often, well, I wonder if you're feeling like, what did she just say there? So I'm trying to speak up and be clear.
How can you today slow down your own rate of speech even just a minuscule amount to include more breaks, pauses, breaths and listening, moments, lots of times we want to get in there because we've already got a new idea and we don't want to forget it. And I think especially as we get older, we know we're gonna probably forget it and that's frustrating. So it's like we want to say it, say it now before it's gone because it's such a great thought. I would say probably try trusting that if it's such a great thought it's not likely to get lost, it will come around back to you. It'll come around, trust yourself a little more. You know, that's the neat thing about slowing down our speech is it actually can create a calmer nervous system. You could try that right now. Well don't try it right now, but when you're done listening, just start talking very, very, very quickly. So if I'm going to do it right now, I'm gonna actually kind of increase my rate and I'm gonna talk like this? And I'm going to say, you know, I was just really really thinking about this and I couldn't help myself and I just kind of ran outside and just ran outside and ran around the rain and you feel it? Notice your body right now, yeah. Whether that speech comes from outside of us or inside of us I think has a very similar impact. It revs up the nervous system and there are times when that needs to happen. If I was going to go for a run, I might need to talk like that for a minute, even in my own head to get myself to have the energy to get up and go.
But generally when I'm in a conversation it's so much nicer to just take a pause. So what does that enable you to do? You can stop and just imagine what you're hearing from another person. What are they trying to convey to you? What does it feel like for them? Why do they care if you understand it? How close do you feel to this person? What other emotions are coming up? Just feel it, just tiny little notes. Again, you don't have to worry about what will be your next statement. Your next statement will come and if it doesn't you can take a pause and it will come, what else can that do for you? We've already said it can help you be a better listener. It can help you feel calmer. It can help you get clearer, right? How does it do that?
Well, we know that if the nervous system is sympathetically charged so that it is ready to go, it's revved up and ready to go, maybe has a little fear or a little activation. Yeah, that it's possible that we won't think as clearly, as fully as spaciously and as inclusively, right? That's a private moment in our bodies. That's our body going, this is about me and I need to do something, even if that something is stand here frozen, but it's not a great thinking space and it's not a great community space. It's not really relational. Does that make sense to you? It's not really a place where your heart feels full of love and warm and open and ready to, um invite somebody in deeper. So from that perspective, if you become more aware of your own speech patterns and your own breathing patterns and I'm a little frustrated today because typically I would be taking more deep breaths during this conversation, but I can't because my option is to breathe a little more shallowly and still be able to do this recording or to breathe deeply and cough through the entire thing. So I'm going with A, um but you can do that, right? You can take those breaths and you can even notice if you're with somebody that their breathing will probably relax, right? That that gives them permission to slow down. They won't be feeling like, oh my gosh, I got to get this idea out before she jumps in and takes over and I've lost my moment and I don't get to talk to her and tell her what I'm really feeling. No, the other person will feel like, oh there's time.
And I would say even if you don't have time on the clock, you have time make time what's more important, what's more important than being heard and seen and listening? Nothing. This goes for your kids. You might need to get a lot of information across, write them a note if you can and then spend more time in calm speech with them, right? Use one word to signal something they need to do and then take the time that you would have spent over explaining that thing. You know, brush your teeth. Because if you don't, you're gonna have cavities and you have to get the sugar off and you had that soda tonight and blah blah blah. No go brush and then spend the rest of the time listening, breathing, calming. It could change everything.
What would happen if just in our communities we could slow down not have the most immediate retort, take a breath. So I hope that's helpful. See what you can do with that. I'm really excited to hear what comes of it for you can you notice a difference in your relationships, in your phone calls with people you love? Can you notice that you can also give yourself permission to be heard more? Maybe if it stops being sort of a game show competition between who can insert the most interesting little stories and becomes more about, I really want you to hear me and see me right now and how neat to recognize that you kind of feel what I'm feeling too. Yeah, that's good stuff. So let me know how it goes.
We're in our I think this is the 21st episode and it is so much fun to share with you. I have loved hearing from you and so appreciate when you reach out and let me know how things are going and when you like to listen and if you do enjoy it, please share with a friend. We have over 50,000 downloads now, which kind of blows my mind and you know, let's double that. Let's, you know, help a few more people that we really care about call them in and if you really love this, I would really love to share my subscription membership with you when you join seriously yourself, you get incredible goodies that are all outlined for you on my website and I'd love to have you along. It is great fun, talk to you soon. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.