Welcome to episode 5 of the disruptive social skills podcast by Lifeconfident where we focus on melting away shyness and social anxiety, building skyscraper confidence, and developing cloud-bursting social skills – I’m your host Richard Gray and today’s topic is:

 

If life was made of broken glass, shyness and social anxiety would be the equivalent of trying to walk your path barefoot. We can't get rid of the glass, but we can learn to fly in three stages

To understand why the three stages (and the order they are completed in) are so effective, and will be your only clear path out of shyness and social anxiety, first we need to understand what's holding us back in the first place.  And just like yin and yang, the dark side also comes in threes...

You read a ton of blog posts and self help guides (just like this one). And most of them are just oozing with five or more hints and tips, a weird trick that nobody knows about, and perhaps a secret that the therapists would rather you didn't know...

All sounds very promising and tempting, until you get into them and discover they are mostly just shallow and recycled tips that will do nothing to address the bigger picture, anymore than a plaster will heal a gun shot wound, or a cup of tea will fix anything from depression to to a fear of embarrassment.

Whilst some of those articles you read will have come from authoritative sources, the fundamental problem is, their advice and treatment is based on only one, or possibly two, of the three stages a person needs to move through, in order to become free of shyness, social anxiety, and their physical symptoms.

But it's not their fault. By its nature, a field of therapy, or a profession focuses on only one narrow area of expertise, or specific behavioural therapy approach, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) 

You wouldn't be human if you didn't want to live life and taste its fruits, without the shyness and symptoms of anxiety souring your taste buds. Which means desire is not the reason why you are the third roadblock - you simply reached overwhelm...

By the time you've finished reading all the blog posts with all their hints and tips, their 'one weird little tricks etc...

By the time you have read through the reams of self-help books, just in time for the next generation of empty calorie self-help books to be published...

By the time you have poured through the feeds of self-help groups, and questions on Quora, and realised, very few people have an answer, and none of them are giving it away cheaply, the best years of your life are already behind you.

I know because that was me for thirty years before I began to really understand the problem at a deeper level, and began putting all the pieces together 

 

The first and biggest pitfall most fall into, is trying to change through conscious effort i.e. willpower, but the shyness and social anxiety symptoms, the negative thought patterns etc. are embedded in the subconscious - which is many times more powerful.

This is like betting on the thousand to one outsider horse, to beat the hot favourite. What this tells us is that we shouldn't be using conscious behaviours to change our subconscious thinking patterns. We should be turning our subconscious into our ally, and using it to change our conscious behaviours.

The following three stages developed at Lifeconfident, are designed to do just that. They are called the Past, Present, and Future stages (PPF). 

Some therapy systems focus on difficult past experiences, usually from childhood. Bullying in school. Or learning from poor adult role models (who may themselves be anxious people with social fears).

It is these experiences and learnings, that define how we behave today. If we can drain the toxic emotions trapped in these social memories, we will have more choices and freedom of behaviour in the present. Some therapy systems that work in this area are:

Big changes can be felt in short spaces of time when working at the past level, but it would be a mistake to think the job was now done. 

Here's why. When you successfully switch off a negative pattern of behaviour, a void is left in your mind until you learn a new behaviour to replace it with. That's what makes present level two so important.

If new, more confident and assertive behaviours are not quickly learnt, then the old behaviours will begin to resurface and reestablish themselves. This is the pattern with many people who manage to break a habit such as smoking, but fail to replace it with a healthy alternative.

Some therapy systems that have the tools to works at this level are:

Now you have metaphorically cleared the garden of your mind from the weeds of fear, unhelpful thinking, and feelings of anxiety. And you have created a platform of confidence and assertiveness, you're ready to move into the future stage three where you build conversation and social skills strategies on top of that platform.

After all, what's the point of having the confidence to go into social situations, hold good eye contact etc. only to remember you don't have the tools to interact in that situation?

What now happens is you receive feedback from your brain that you weren't ready for those confidence strategies, and the muscle memory of those old shyness and social anxiety behaviours begin resurfacing.

Therapy systems have prematurely declared you fit for duty at the previous stage. So, with the exception of the mental health masterplan which is based on the three PPF stages, there are no other therapies that cover this stage. This leaves you with:

These three PPF stages do nothing special by themselves, but they do highlight two reasons why most people end up permanently stuck with feelings of shyness, and trapped in a cycle of social anxiety.

First, they highlight the fact that current treatments for anxiety, behavioral therapies like CBT are limiting themselves to either one or two of these stages, when all three are crucial for success.

Second is the importance of order, and the treatment adequacy for doing things in the correct order. However, in both cases, it's not the fault of the therapy system itself because none of them were designed specifically for treating shyness or social anxiety.

For example, though not a recommended therapy treatment, many try to 'fake it til they make it'. This is the equivalent of jumping straight in at present stage two. But ultimately, this strategy is doomed to fail because they didn't respect stage one and resolve those past issues first.

The result is that the past is still alive and well in your subconscious, and ready to reassert itself any time you are at social gatherings, or you are the centre of attention.

This is perhaps the most commonly prescribed advice given by anyone and their dog, including the therapists. But for anyone with extreme shyness or social anxiety disorder, it can be the poisoned chalice of advice.

Shy people will be more than familiar with being told to speak up more, but this form of dispensing exposure therapy advice should, like antibiotics, be restricted in its usage.

Simply throwing yourself into social activities and situations without instilling confidence or any social skills tools into yourself, will have the opposite intended outcome.

Without any new tools or moves, you will have the same old social experience, which will inevitably lead to a continued chipping away of your self-esteem.

Once you have some confidence and some conversation skills strategies, now you have some tools for building your social skills, for use at social events, business settings, or even in job interviews where you would most likely experience some performance anxiety symptoms.

Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode.

To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the Mental Health Masterplan, or the small talk master keys program, visit www.lifeconfident.com

Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing :)