Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander. 

Oh, hey there, come on in. How you been? I hope you've been having a good summer if you're in summer weather and that you're feeling curious and ready to dive into a new curiosity, a new creative question. Today, you know, last week we talked about control, what it's like to feel out of control, some of the strategies that are parts inside, used to regain a sense of personal control and how tricky that can be, and today we're kind of following that up with the topic of choice. You know, like what kinds of choices do you make? When do you feel like you have choices and how do you feel about making choices? I'll tell you what this topic grew out of a wonderful conversation we were having in the seriously yourself community membership and we were on a coaching call and you know, the neat thing about the membership is having the experience of learning and sharing with each other, it's just way more than I would ever actually have imagined. I've never been a real groupie kind of a person, I don't think I was a real groupie girl, I like to be a little different. I, I ride on the edge between extrovert and introvert and so sometimes I would feel overwhelmed by groups, so I would tend to move away from them a bit. Which is odd because at the same time I have this deep, trusting faith in the power of community, being with those who are safe and who care about you in a loving way. And so it's really been exciting to watch that kind of sensation reverberate through the group and the strengths and the ideas that come out of it are rich and rewarding and wonderful. 

So in the group we were talking about freedom and one of the women mentioned wanting freedom but feeling better when she didn't have as much and especially in terms of eating and you know, the kinds of foods she was choosing and that kind of thing. Which, I think many of us as especially as women can totally relate to, right. We're raised with such a strict confines of what is the quote unquote, right? Food to eat or not eat and why and when and how and so on. So she was saying that when she had been in sort of a restricted diet, she physically felt much better. But emotionally, she felt very stuck and very out of control in a way like things were being forced on her which of course everyone can relate to. And it came to her during the meeting that it would feel great if she was choosing if she felt like she was choosing what she felt would be healthier for her. In other words though, she wasn't eating certain foods or a certain way she was choosing a path that felt happy and inviting and healthy for her, see what I mean, really brilliant, right? And so that's kind of the truth of it. I think like choice tells us we are really still present with ourselves. Choice says this might not be the easiest thing to do, but it is what I choose. It's what I desire, whether it's the results I want or the lifestyle I want or the pleasure I want. Right?

 And if you think about it, there are so many things from the time you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night that you have to choose. And I wonder often even with myself, how much do we really feel like we are capable of choosing and what sort of feels like it just is a must or comes at us. So let's take waking up in the morning for example. Alright, you wake up and what do you have on your list that you feel like you're going to do? Right. I'm gonna run to the bathroom. I'm going to check my emails. I'm probably going to check the news. I might check social media. Yes. I'm admitting it here. I might see if I've had any phone calls or text messages. Right. I might do this before I even get out of bed. Right. I'm going to make some coffee. I'm gonna drink some coffee. I'm going to walk my dog. I'm going to brush my teeth. I'm going to, you know, take a vitamin gonna wash my face. I'm gonna put on some makeup or I'm going to, you know, take a full shower and do my hair. I'm gonna do all those things. And often I'm gonna do all those things without even thinking about it and I'm going to do them all before, you know, 8:30 AM. So how much of that do I embrace as my choices? Right? Sometimes I don't, you know, sometimes I'm like, you know, I have to take this vitamin, I'll be honest with you, I don't like taking the vitamin and I don't have to take it. It really is a choice. So there's a great example of like I'm taking something almost as if someone is forcing me to do that, right? Like someone is standing over me wagging their finger, you know, come on kid, you got to get this done and I don't really have to, I eat pretty well. I don't really know that the vitamin has any particularly effective properties for me though. I think you hit a certain age and you feel like you need a certain amount of calcium or magnesium or vitamin D, or C, or B you know, be whatever is going on in there. So I've come to believe that it's sort of a necessity and then I sort of believe it into, yeah, this works, this keeps me healthy, but I don't really know. So where does choice fit into that? Right? Where does choice fit into that? I guess it fits in that there are some days that I look at it and I think, no, I don't even I don't want to take this, I just don't want and I don't, right.
Or maybe it's the choice of how the world will see you on any given day, Right? If you are a woman of a certain age and I honestly don't know what the certain age might be or a certain culture even you might not ever, ever, ever leave your house without making up your face right? Without putting on makeup without, you know, wearing mascara, maybe lipstick, right? I've known women that would not leave their house without lipstick on. I've known very young women that would not leave their house without a makeup or a foundation on their face. I remember I always have worn mascara since I was in high school and I have very light and you know, relatively thin short eyelashes and it just, you know, made me feel better. Which is silly if you think about it like who cares, this is my face. But it would make me feel better to have my eyelashes covered, still does, I'll be honest. But that's a choice, right? It's not a must. So if I look at the flip side, if if I could feel better right on the days that I don't wear makeup, if I could choose how I want to feel about that. If I could talk to the parts of me that are like, oh, you're gonna look ugly or someone's gonna comment. I remember one time my many years ago, I was in my twenties and my father in law came to visit and I had just not put on any makeup and he looked at me, he goes, oh, are you sick? And I was like, no, I feel great. Why? Well, I don't know. I thought maybe you had the flu or something and it was because I didn't have mascara. I hadn't done my eye makeup. How weird! But that definitely stuck with me. And I thought, sheesh, I don't want to be walking around with people thinking I'm sick. So I guess I don't have a choice but to put on makeup, which is not true. Of course I have a choice. And when people begin to see this is my face, not that, this is my face, that might be my face on a fancy day or a different choice day, right, then I would look normal. I would look like me, I think, right? Yeah. So everything is a choice. Ultimately. 

Often we are raised without choice. You must do this. You must do that. You must believe this. This is the way our family believes, right? I was raised, you went to church every Sunday unless you were ill and I mean sick. So that kind of teaching can have lots of benefits. I'm not not trying to be critical, honestly, of my, even my own upbringing, but it doesn't leave a whole lot of room for personal choice or autonomy or the sense of that this life belongs to me. I am in control of myself within a very out of control whole system, right? What can we trust? The sun rises and the sun sets? Yeah. And we watch everything else sort of unfold and we try to stay within ourselves in our own grounding and trust that we can make choice around everything in life. But if we're not given that opportunity, right? If things are told to us by family or society, it makes it really tough. Doesn't it makes it really hard to do that to relearn that we are not constantly children or owned by someone so that we don't have a choice. Yeah. So what do you want a choice about today? What do you not realize you have a choice about today, what would be thrilling, What would be authentic? Invigorating True for you? One small thing today that you could step into and say, I choose this. It can be something you're already doing, that you're kind of not liking. But you recognize, oh, this isn't some young part of me that has to do this. This is my grown up self that wants to, you know, exercise or eat right or call that friend or have this kind of pleasure whatever it is, right? If you question where you're already with compassion for yourself and patience for why you're feeling that way, then I think you can recognize that within any given thing, there is more choice and make that happy choice for yourself, right? Let me know how it goes for you. I know in our group it was really exciting to hear the participants say, you know, I'm going to really notice this as a choice for me, not a must or a pressure or a prescription or a duty. Maybe you could do a little of that for yourself today. Thanks for joining me. It's really so wonderful to have you here and let me know what your new choices are looking like or how you're feeling about your old ones. We'll talk to you soon be well, my friends and um remember to show up, you matter, bye now.

 Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. 

If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/. 

And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.