A Little Skill When You're Unclear
April 28, 2022
This week I'm offering what my clients call "A Real Gamechanger". When you're feeling upset or anxious, do you notice how you hear every negative message in your head? "She doesn't really like me." "I'm being ridiculous." "No one really cares." (Insert yours here...). This week on Episode 14 of Seriouslyourself, we talk about ...The Art of Zooming Out!
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Well, hello everybody, I'm so glad you're here. I hope you're comfortable. Come on in and take a seat if you want or if you're out and you're in your car, you know, just soften your shoulders a little bit. Maybe you're taking a lovely walk outside. That sounds like a great place to be. Though, It is quite rainy here this spring in the northeast of the US from where I'm speaking. So I am indoors nice and dry.
Today I thought it would be helpful to talk about a little technique that I use a lot and I use a lot with my clients and I love it so much because I think there are parts of my life that it feels like it's kind of saved different relationships and whatnot. And like much of what I do, it is based in Internal Family Systems, a model by Richard Schwartz, which is truly healing and um amazing for anyone. And what I call this technique is the zoom out... zooming out, which is different than zoning out. Though, There are certainly times when zoning out can be lovely, but we're not going to zone out today. We're talking about zooming out. '
So here's what I mean, I was talking to a woman the other day and she was naming how confusing it was at work and as she began talking more, you could hear that she could not get any clarity about what was going on and it was sort of triggering her, right. You know, that feeling when you're being told one thing over here and another over there and you just feel like, "oh man, maybe it's me". And I think we're sort of wired to feel like it might be us in those situations because we are being managed by our bosses, right? Or our superiors, if you will. And so the tendency is to think, well, I must be unclear or thinking incorrectly or not hearing right, and it's okay to have that humility about things that's fine. But when you're feeling really tangled up, what can happen then is you start creating a story in your mind. You know, a part of you starts trying to make sense of this and the story might sound like "this person, thanks, I'm incapable or foolish or doesn't value me", right? "This this manager really doesn't like me or they talk about me behind my back", right? It can get almost like a a little paranoia to the story. We can begin feeling tremendously insecure. I don't know if you can imagine a time when you have felt this way. Maybe you imagine that your your family is thinking some kind of way about you, you get really hooked by angry or frustrated feelings and you can't release them. And so you keep telling the story about what's going on and how wrong you have been over and over again. People with a little more anxiety tend to have a very honed toned system that will repeat and repeat the stories and that's really frustrating.
So what I love is to take a moment and to zoom out, and what zooming out does is it helps you to gain perspective and clarity and you can use this technique right away any old time. And once you get practiced at it, you're probably going to find that it's really not that hard for you, but it does take some practice. So be patient with you. Okay, so you can use this method to suit your own style, right? So for example, some of us are more visual. So when I say zoom out, you can imagine maybe a wider camera angle, you know, you picture someone shooting a movie and they're on one of those rolling camera seats and they pulled back from the scene so that that you are seeing more of what's in front of them. Or you could imagine visually that you are looking through a microscope and you want to see more of the field that you're looking at. And so you you change the uh focus and so you can see more of what is under there or with a camera. You know, we all have cameras on our phones and you can get up real tight to something by just standing there and tapping the focus on it. Or you can pull back. So in that way visually zooming out is a way to pull back, okay.
If you're more of an audio type person, an audio learner or experience or you can do this with your audio range. So in this way it is like you're listening to one bird outside your window and then you expand to hear all the birds and then you expand to hear the birds and the breeze and maybe the truck going down the road. Or in another way you're listening to a voice in your mind and your hearing just that one, and then you take a breath and you expand to hear, oh, there are actually other opinions and other sensations that I'm hearing come up inside me. Maybe there's a part of me that says, "my boss thinks I'm a jerk". And then there's another part that says, "I don't like my boss". And then there's another part that says, "I wish my boss liked me", so you can play with that.
The third way is kinesthetically so in the body, you know, when we back up from something, we can often get a broader range of what's going on. If you ever had to do that. If you were say looking for someone in a crowd, you try to get up and above and you so you move your body so that you have more space from it. Or if you take your hand and you place it right in front of your nose, right on your nose and then you try to tell me what your hand looks like, You're not going to be able to tell me right? But if you pull your hand back then you can see it quite well. And you could give me a great description. So kinesthetically you might zoom out that way. So how does this work?
Well, it gives you a sense of there is more going on here. Then either what I'm seeing right now, I'm hearing right now, the stories in my head, right? There is more going on. And I don't have to attach to the thought, the one image in my mind, the sound that I hear from my own voice or the imagined sound of another's voice. I don't have to attach to that and assume that that is 100% the truth of what is happening, right? And I can also find more of me and that's why I presented to you today because here at seriously yourself, we are really all about being more of who we really are. And if you zoom out, you can see more of what's around you. But the beautiful thing is you can also find more of yourself because you're not just attaching, holding on to either the beliefs, the visions, the sounds or the feelings of one part of you. When we do that, It can be really damaging because then we will also tend to respond from either that one part of us that probably isn't feeling great or from some protective state, you know, defense or you know, I'm going to tell you, um if you're really angry, it's a great time to listen to the anger and then zoom out. That's why I like journaling so much because it helps me to zoom out.
I want to give you one caution about zooming out and it's really, really important. Okay, and that is that zooming out is not the same as detachment, right? You know, there are so many new books now and and they're great. They have their own view that is helpful. But you know, like, you know, "The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck" and others such. But what I'm telling you to do is not to go, "okay, I care about this, this is hurting me. I feel strongly click, I've zoomed out. I feel nothing. I'm detached. I don't care. Nothing matters", because I'll tell you that is not a zoom out. That's just the flip side of the very same coin that you were already experiencing, right? So a zoom out, you're still going to be able to be engaged. In fact, you're going to be more engaged. You're going to be more intrigued, more curious, more patient. You're gonna expand. You see zooming out expands where detachment to say zoom out means to just not care. That still is tight and it doesn't allow any more space. It just says I don't care, that I feel hurt inside, or that I'm worried about this, or that this looks this kind of way to me. Does that make sense?
Yeah, so take a breath right now and notice what it would be like if the next time you are experiencing a steady, strong, possibly, you know, kind of negative or argumentative sensation inside you, if you could just take a break and rather than denying it or pushing it away or telling yourself that you're bad or wrong or hurting suffering, you can simply move back, pull back, pull out, open up, expand, zoom out and see more of what is really going on. Do a little journaling around it, spend some time even just practicing it with your senses. So if you're outside and you are very audio, try to do it with your ears, zoom out and open up to more, then zoom in. See what that feels like. Try to do it with your eyes. If your visual, try to do it internally with your emotions expand right, there's more there than you know, there's always more than you know. Most often I swear what is happening to you, if it's from another person has nothing to do with you or very little or the confusion in it does not belong to you. It often will belong to them or you are only using one part of yourself in a relationship and you feel really bad about that and you want to be able to bring more of you into the relationship zooming out, helps with that. I hope that's helpful.
I can't wait to hear what you think about zooming out. So let me know. And I also really want to thank you so much for listening. You know, we have, oh, I don't know, I didn't even count recently, but well over 35,000 downloads, which is so exciting to me. And I feel just tremendously grateful that I know I'm not just talking to myself here on this rainy day in New England. Be well my friends take some time to zoom out and then when you come back in, give yourself a big hug for me. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks bye
Well, hello everybody, I'm so glad you're here. I hope you're comfortable. Come on in and take a seat if you want or if you're out and you're in your car, you know, just soften your shoulders a little bit. Maybe you're taking a lovely walk outside. That sounds like a great place to be. Though, It is quite rainy here this spring in the northeast of the US from where I'm speaking. So I am indoors nice and dry.
Today I thought it would be helpful to talk about a little technique that I use a lot and I use a lot with my clients and I love it so much because I think there are parts of my life that it feels like it's kind of saved different relationships and whatnot. And like much of what I do, it is based in Internal Family Systems, a model by Richard Schwartz, which is truly healing and um amazing for anyone. And what I call this technique is the zoom out... zooming out, which is different than zoning out. Though, There are certainly times when zoning out can be lovely, but we're not going to zone out today. We're talking about zooming out. '
So here's what I mean, I was talking to a woman the other day and she was naming how confusing it was at work and as she began talking more, you could hear that she could not get any clarity about what was going on and it was sort of triggering her, right. You know, that feeling when you're being told one thing over here and another over there and you just feel like, "oh man, maybe it's me". And I think we're sort of wired to feel like it might be us in those situations because we are being managed by our bosses, right? Or our superiors, if you will. And so the tendency is to think, well, I must be unclear or thinking incorrectly or not hearing right, and it's okay to have that humility about things that's fine. But when you're feeling really tangled up, what can happen then is you start creating a story in your mind. You know, a part of you starts trying to make sense of this and the story might sound like "this person, thanks, I'm incapable or foolish or doesn't value me", right? "This this manager really doesn't like me or they talk about me behind my back", right? It can get almost like a a little paranoia to the story. We can begin feeling tremendously insecure. I don't know if you can imagine a time when you have felt this way. Maybe you imagine that your your family is thinking some kind of way about you, you get really hooked by angry or frustrated feelings and you can't release them. And so you keep telling the story about what's going on and how wrong you have been over and over again. People with a little more anxiety tend to have a very honed toned system that will repeat and repeat the stories and that's really frustrating.
So what I love is to take a moment and to zoom out, and what zooming out does is it helps you to gain perspective and clarity and you can use this technique right away any old time. And once you get practiced at it, you're probably going to find that it's really not that hard for you, but it does take some practice. So be patient with you. Okay, so you can use this method to suit your own style, right? So for example, some of us are more visual. So when I say zoom out, you can imagine maybe a wider camera angle, you know, you picture someone shooting a movie and they're on one of those rolling camera seats and they pulled back from the scene so that that you are seeing more of what's in front of them. Or you could imagine visually that you are looking through a microscope and you want to see more of the field that you're looking at. And so you you change the uh focus and so you can see more of what is under there or with a camera. You know, we all have cameras on our phones and you can get up real tight to something by just standing there and tapping the focus on it. Or you can pull back. So in that way visually zooming out is a way to pull back, okay.
If you're more of an audio type person, an audio learner or experience or you can do this with your audio range. So in this way it is like you're listening to one bird outside your window and then you expand to hear all the birds and then you expand to hear the birds and the breeze and maybe the truck going down the road. Or in another way you're listening to a voice in your mind and your hearing just that one, and then you take a breath and you expand to hear, oh, there are actually other opinions and other sensations that I'm hearing come up inside me. Maybe there's a part of me that says, "my boss thinks I'm a jerk". And then there's another part that says, "I don't like my boss". And then there's another part that says, "I wish my boss liked me", so you can play with that.
The third way is kinesthetically so in the body, you know, when we back up from something, we can often get a broader range of what's going on. If you ever had to do that. If you were say looking for someone in a crowd, you try to get up and above and you so you move your body so that you have more space from it. Or if you take your hand and you place it right in front of your nose, right on your nose and then you try to tell me what your hand looks like, You're not going to be able to tell me right? But if you pull your hand back then you can see it quite well. And you could give me a great description. So kinesthetically you might zoom out that way. So how does this work?
Well, it gives you a sense of there is more going on here. Then either what I'm seeing right now, I'm hearing right now, the stories in my head, right? There is more going on. And I don't have to attach to the thought, the one image in my mind, the sound that I hear from my own voice or the imagined sound of another's voice. I don't have to attach to that and assume that that is 100% the truth of what is happening, right? And I can also find more of me and that's why I presented to you today because here at seriously yourself, we are really all about being more of who we really are. And if you zoom out, you can see more of what's around you. But the beautiful thing is you can also find more of yourself because you're not just attaching, holding on to either the beliefs, the visions, the sounds or the feelings of one part of you. When we do that, It can be really damaging because then we will also tend to respond from either that one part of us that probably isn't feeling great or from some protective state, you know, defense or you know, I'm going to tell you, um if you're really angry, it's a great time to listen to the anger and then zoom out. That's why I like journaling so much because it helps me to zoom out.
I want to give you one caution about zooming out and it's really, really important. Okay, and that is that zooming out is not the same as detachment, right? You know, there are so many new books now and and they're great. They have their own view that is helpful. But you know, like, you know, "The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck" and others such. But what I'm telling you to do is not to go, "okay, I care about this, this is hurting me. I feel strongly click, I've zoomed out. I feel nothing. I'm detached. I don't care. Nothing matters", because I'll tell you that is not a zoom out. That's just the flip side of the very same coin that you were already experiencing, right? So a zoom out, you're still going to be able to be engaged. In fact, you're going to be more engaged. You're going to be more intrigued, more curious, more patient. You're gonna expand. You see zooming out expands where detachment to say zoom out means to just not care. That still is tight and it doesn't allow any more space. It just says I don't care, that I feel hurt inside, or that I'm worried about this, or that this looks this kind of way to me. Does that make sense?
Yeah, so take a breath right now and notice what it would be like if the next time you are experiencing a steady, strong, possibly, you know, kind of negative or argumentative sensation inside you, if you could just take a break and rather than denying it or pushing it away or telling yourself that you're bad or wrong or hurting suffering, you can simply move back, pull back, pull out, open up, expand, zoom out and see more of what is really going on. Do a little journaling around it, spend some time even just practicing it with your senses. So if you're outside and you are very audio, try to do it with your ears, zoom out and open up to more, then zoom in. See what that feels like. Try to do it with your eyes. If your visual, try to do it internally with your emotions expand right, there's more there than you know, there's always more than you know. Most often I swear what is happening to you, if it's from another person has nothing to do with you or very little or the confusion in it does not belong to you. It often will belong to them or you are only using one part of yourself in a relationship and you feel really bad about that and you want to be able to bring more of you into the relationship zooming out, helps with that. I hope that's helpful.
I can't wait to hear what you think about zooming out. So let me know. And I also really want to thank you so much for listening. You know, we have, oh, I don't know, I didn't even count recently, but well over 35,000 downloads, which is so exciting to me. And I feel just tremendously grateful that I know I'm not just talking to myself here on this rainy day in New England. Be well my friends take some time to zoom out and then when you come back in, give yourself a big hug for me. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks bye
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
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And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.