Problem Solving and the Pressure of Perfectionism
March 3, 2022
Sometimes, the routines and rules we make to help us solve problems can turn into problems of their own! So how do we come back into balance with structure and spontaneity, when anxious about doing things perfectly all the time?
Hi there! Come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Oh my goodness, today I have a kind of a fun topic, I think. And it grew out of this realization that came to me very profoundly during, I think, the last year too, which is: I am not that unique. I want you to hear that. It's so often that we think we are so unique and we are so alone. What we feel is not the same strength or importance or tragedy that other people experience. Or maybe that the way we think and feel is just so nuanced that no one could understand. And somewhere along the line especially I think the last two years of lots of time to reflect, I realized if I'm feeling some kind of way other people are feeling some kind of way to if I'm noticing something that's interesting. I am not that unique, right? It's a thing probably now not to say that I'm not uniquely myself or showing up in my own body. But frankly, the things that happened to me have happened to other people and are happening to other people. And I say that not to be dismissive in any way, but to reassure you that even when things might seem small to you, your feelings might seem bothersome, but in the scope of life, not that big of a deal. Yeah. And yet, it's okay to acknowledge them, because others are probably feeling them also.
So today I'm gonna talk about one of those instances that I find kind of fun and curious and come join me, because I think you'll find it interesting too. So the other day I woke up, and I was kind of doing the things I tend to do in the morning. So I love to grab my phone. Yes, I confess it is my phone, and I'll look through my email, and I'll look through to make sure nothing has changed drastically in the world overnight. And lately I'll maybe grab a little game of Wordle - have you heard of Wordle? Yeah, everybody's talking about Wordle. And if you haven't heard of that, then there's a unique thing, but you probably have, because it's not that unique. And I was playing the game, and I realized there was a certain amount of um intensity and very close to anxiety going on in my body and my mind. And I recalled being a little kid, and I used to love to watch the sitcoms of my youth which were things like The Lucy Show with Lucie Arnez - Lucy and Desi Arnez, and um she was always in trouble. You know, I think most of the, the plot lines of those 60s and early 70s sitcoms and shows like that were just - there's a terrible predicament and it's hilarious, but how is this person going to get out of it? And I remember as a child getting so engaged and just feeling sort of overwrought with, oh no, oh no, how is Lucy going to get out of this now? She is in dire straits, you know...what is Gilligan going to do on the island and um, what even is batman going to do? He's stuck in the Penguin's lair again, and this is going to go horribly wrong. And if they could only see what I see. I've got it all figured out.
And one day I recall sitting on my shag carpet and recognizing, Wait a minute. It's not gonna matter if I figure this out or if I feel all of this flooding in myself. I, if I feel all this pain really or not. And I sort of learned a little moment of detachment, like,
Do your thing Lucy, I bet you'll be fine. I've seen this one before.
So in that same regard, I think I have parts of me that move into even fun things or routine things with an attitude of, I have to solve it and I have to figure it out. And if I don't, it could be a problem. So back to Wordle. While I was playing Wordle, which is fairly new to me, and it's a lot of fun if you don't know it, it's a game where you start by guessing a word, and then you see what letters are in the word and you rearrange them and guess more until you get the word and you get five guesses max, I think it's five, maybe six. And it had become a problem! The first few times I played it, it was like whatever. If I actually get the word, I'm going to be thrilled and amazed. And of course then I got it in less than the total amount required and then I got it and even less and even less and I was like, Wow, I at least have to make it in three guesses. And therein lies the problem. Because if I didn't, who cares? I'm not up for any particular Wordle championships or awards. And so I didn't have to do that. But my body was registering as if this was a problem and I could feel the scowl lines increasing in my forehead. And I took a deep breath and I thought, are you having fun? And the answer was not, not exactly. And I let go of some of the parts of me that we're not having fun. I allowed them to just not worry about it so much. This is not serious. And I think those parts that we're sort of trained and raised on sitcoms to that sensation in my body. It doesn't matter if it's serious, right? I mean, certainly Lucy in the chocolate factory or you know, Lucy getting caught by Ricky in the, you know, performing in the musical was not serious. But I think that I learned it didn't matter. You had to solve it anyway.
Later that morning I was going to get some laundry done, no big deal. But also something that when you're an entrepreneur and you're working from home - and I know a lot of you have become people that work from home even if you are not considered home working entrepreneurs in the last two years. So, so much of my time is self-organized. I don't ever really have anybody demanding that I do anything that I haven't set up for myself. And that can be beautiful and freeing, and I'm really grateful for it. And it can also be tricky because it is on me, therefore it becomes in some parts of my psyche a problem to solve.
So anyway, I thought I should get some laundry done today before I move on to my meetings. And I'm standing, and I'm dividing the laundry by relatively light clothing and relatively dark clothing. And honestly, that's another question I have, like, does it really even matter? I, I don't know, but I still do it. And so I was doing that, and as I looked at my piles of laundry, I was getting that same kind of bunched up feeling that I had when I was playing Wordle, like I was thinking too hard. I could feel again the scowl between my eyebrows, and I could feel my body getting sort of intense. And it was like, Oh, I'm going to have one of those days. I'm gonna have quite a day today if I feel like this. And then I stopped and I just started laughing. It just cracked me up. It was like, Ingrid, the laundry does not know or care who goes first, this is not a problem, this is not an issue. And I even thought about it. I was like, well maybe it is. Let me see. Does it matter if I do the relatively darker clothes because the pants take longer to dry and maybe I want to hang them up and - no, not really, not really. It's all kind of a constructed in my own mind that there's something right about doing it in some particular way.
And I got to thinking about how when you have a little bit of anxiety, and you try to help yourself by problem solving and by organizing and by structuring and by creating stability and meaning and rules - and how for a while that can help, right? I mean, the first times that you do anything like that, it's like, oh wow, yeah, I'm going to get Wordle in three words or I'm going to divide my wash and so I know how to do it somehow or I'm going to get it done before my meeting and then just like the little kid in me sitting on the floor realizing I'm anxious for nothing, it can sort of take off and become its own problem. These things that originally gave comfort and stability and safety and cohesion and satisfaction. If they're met with anxiety in the sense that everything is a problem and there is a perfect way to do things, then they get sort of um almost taken over by nervousness in the system for me.
And as I said, I can't imagine I'm all that unique. In fact, I know that I'm not.
So if you share some of these kinds of feelings and thinkings and tendencies, I would just encourage you to take that moment to notice your body and take that extra breath that we all need every now and then. So we can disengage from something that isn't real, right? Disengage from something that isn't necessary. That doesn't have any basis in truth. So the truth is, if I solve Wordle in one word versus six doesn't make me any better or worse. I get lucky that day. Maybe I should also play the lottery. And the lights and darks did not care who was washed first, nor did I. And I couldn't tell you which I did first now. So don't worry about being so perfect. Don't worry that you're not like others. You are. And take really good care of you. Take really good care of you. You're doing a great job. I know you are. Everyone is just doing their best. Thanks for being here with me. Talk to you soon. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Oh my goodness, today I have a kind of a fun topic, I think. And it grew out of this realization that came to me very profoundly during, I think, the last year too, which is: I am not that unique. I want you to hear that. It's so often that we think we are so unique and we are so alone. What we feel is not the same strength or importance or tragedy that other people experience. Or maybe that the way we think and feel is just so nuanced that no one could understand. And somewhere along the line especially I think the last two years of lots of time to reflect, I realized if I'm feeling some kind of way other people are feeling some kind of way to if I'm noticing something that's interesting. I am not that unique, right? It's a thing probably now not to say that I'm not uniquely myself or showing up in my own body. But frankly, the things that happened to me have happened to other people and are happening to other people. And I say that not to be dismissive in any way, but to reassure you that even when things might seem small to you, your feelings might seem bothersome, but in the scope of life, not that big of a deal. Yeah. And yet, it's okay to acknowledge them, because others are probably feeling them also.
So today I'm gonna talk about one of those instances that I find kind of fun and curious and come join me, because I think you'll find it interesting too. So the other day I woke up, and I was kind of doing the things I tend to do in the morning. So I love to grab my phone. Yes, I confess it is my phone, and I'll look through my email, and I'll look through to make sure nothing has changed drastically in the world overnight. And lately I'll maybe grab a little game of Wordle - have you heard of Wordle? Yeah, everybody's talking about Wordle. And if you haven't heard of that, then there's a unique thing, but you probably have, because it's not that unique. And I was playing the game, and I realized there was a certain amount of um intensity and very close to anxiety going on in my body and my mind. And I recalled being a little kid, and I used to love to watch the sitcoms of my youth which were things like The Lucy Show with Lucie Arnez - Lucy and Desi Arnez, and um she was always in trouble. You know, I think most of the, the plot lines of those 60s and early 70s sitcoms and shows like that were just - there's a terrible predicament and it's hilarious, but how is this person going to get out of it? And I remember as a child getting so engaged and just feeling sort of overwrought with, oh no, oh no, how is Lucy going to get out of this now? She is in dire straits, you know...what is Gilligan going to do on the island and um, what even is batman going to do? He's stuck in the Penguin's lair again, and this is going to go horribly wrong. And if they could only see what I see. I've got it all figured out.
And one day I recall sitting on my shag carpet and recognizing, Wait a minute. It's not gonna matter if I figure this out or if I feel all of this flooding in myself. I, if I feel all this pain really or not. And I sort of learned a little moment of detachment, like,
Do your thing Lucy, I bet you'll be fine. I've seen this one before.
So in that same regard, I think I have parts of me that move into even fun things or routine things with an attitude of, I have to solve it and I have to figure it out. And if I don't, it could be a problem. So back to Wordle. While I was playing Wordle, which is fairly new to me, and it's a lot of fun if you don't know it, it's a game where you start by guessing a word, and then you see what letters are in the word and you rearrange them and guess more until you get the word and you get five guesses max, I think it's five, maybe six. And it had become a problem! The first few times I played it, it was like whatever. If I actually get the word, I'm going to be thrilled and amazed. And of course then I got it in less than the total amount required and then I got it and even less and even less and I was like, Wow, I at least have to make it in three guesses. And therein lies the problem. Because if I didn't, who cares? I'm not up for any particular Wordle championships or awards. And so I didn't have to do that. But my body was registering as if this was a problem and I could feel the scowl lines increasing in my forehead. And I took a deep breath and I thought, are you having fun? And the answer was not, not exactly. And I let go of some of the parts of me that we're not having fun. I allowed them to just not worry about it so much. This is not serious. And I think those parts that we're sort of trained and raised on sitcoms to that sensation in my body. It doesn't matter if it's serious, right? I mean, certainly Lucy in the chocolate factory or you know, Lucy getting caught by Ricky in the, you know, performing in the musical was not serious. But I think that I learned it didn't matter. You had to solve it anyway.
Later that morning I was going to get some laundry done, no big deal. But also something that when you're an entrepreneur and you're working from home - and I know a lot of you have become people that work from home even if you are not considered home working entrepreneurs in the last two years. So, so much of my time is self-organized. I don't ever really have anybody demanding that I do anything that I haven't set up for myself. And that can be beautiful and freeing, and I'm really grateful for it. And it can also be tricky because it is on me, therefore it becomes in some parts of my psyche a problem to solve.
So anyway, I thought I should get some laundry done today before I move on to my meetings. And I'm standing, and I'm dividing the laundry by relatively light clothing and relatively dark clothing. And honestly, that's another question I have, like, does it really even matter? I, I don't know, but I still do it. And so I was doing that, and as I looked at my piles of laundry, I was getting that same kind of bunched up feeling that I had when I was playing Wordle, like I was thinking too hard. I could feel again the scowl between my eyebrows, and I could feel my body getting sort of intense. And it was like, Oh, I'm going to have one of those days. I'm gonna have quite a day today if I feel like this. And then I stopped and I just started laughing. It just cracked me up. It was like, Ingrid, the laundry does not know or care who goes first, this is not a problem, this is not an issue. And I even thought about it. I was like, well maybe it is. Let me see. Does it matter if I do the relatively darker clothes because the pants take longer to dry and maybe I want to hang them up and - no, not really, not really. It's all kind of a constructed in my own mind that there's something right about doing it in some particular way.
And I got to thinking about how when you have a little bit of anxiety, and you try to help yourself by problem solving and by organizing and by structuring and by creating stability and meaning and rules - and how for a while that can help, right? I mean, the first times that you do anything like that, it's like, oh wow, yeah, I'm going to get Wordle in three words or I'm going to divide my wash and so I know how to do it somehow or I'm going to get it done before my meeting and then just like the little kid in me sitting on the floor realizing I'm anxious for nothing, it can sort of take off and become its own problem. These things that originally gave comfort and stability and safety and cohesion and satisfaction. If they're met with anxiety in the sense that everything is a problem and there is a perfect way to do things, then they get sort of um almost taken over by nervousness in the system for me.
And as I said, I can't imagine I'm all that unique. In fact, I know that I'm not.
So if you share some of these kinds of feelings and thinkings and tendencies, I would just encourage you to take that moment to notice your body and take that extra breath that we all need every now and then. So we can disengage from something that isn't real, right? Disengage from something that isn't necessary. That doesn't have any basis in truth. So the truth is, if I solve Wordle in one word versus six doesn't make me any better or worse. I get lucky that day. Maybe I should also play the lottery. And the lights and darks did not care who was washed first, nor did I. And I couldn't tell you which I did first now. So don't worry about being so perfect. Don't worry that you're not like others. You are. And take really good care of you. Take really good care of you. You're doing a great job. I know you are. Everyone is just doing their best. Thanks for being here with me. Talk to you soon. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.