Control Freak, Out!
July 26, 2022
Do you notice, sometimes, parts within you that are out of control? Can you take a moment even now and breathe and get really curious about them?
When does it happen?And what do you hear yourself say inside and how do you feel towards that? Do you feel like you always need to be on, calling every shot? What are your calculated means of knowing I am safe and sound? Let's explore that this episode.
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hi there. Hello, hello, come on in. Hey, this week, I'm laughing at my topic and it's not about humor. That was the last time, right? So why is this topic funny to me? Because the topic for today is control. The feeling of having control. You see it's funny to me, why is it funny to me? I think because honestly here I am, it's a beautiful, actually very warm, humid summer Sunday in New Hampshire where I live. And I am feeling so much vibration, reverberation if you will of lack of control in life. So much feels out of control, maybe it's the heat, right? And so many warnings about the heat waves all over the world. I just read an article this morning that was saying, you know, we think we'll accomplish things by 2050, but the things that they thought would kind of be happening by 2050, are happening now climate wise, and so we can't plan to have things up and sort of helped by 2050 when we're so much more ahead in terms of climate change, right? And that made me feel as it might make you feel incredibly out of control, like my gosh, well what can I do, right now? And does it matter what I do right now?
If we really take a minute and we think about control that's kind of the key, The key sensation. What can I do? And does it matter? Is there something I can do? And does it matter? We are doers aren't we? We are people of doing. Many of us have learned that that is our worth and responsibility on this earth is to be people of doing and so we gained parts of us that protect us that lead us along, that help us to navigate our lives by doing all the time. Do do, do get it done, change your behavior. That's all about doing, right? And certainly we need these parts of our lives. We need these aspects of our personality because there are things that we need to be about doing.
I was watching the birds outside my window the other day which I love to do. It is the most happy enlightening thing for me to watch these birds. They're just simple. You know, outdoor backyard kind of birds. I don't have any special homing pigeon pets or anything out there. So I'm watching these birds and you notice they are so much about doing, right? They hop from tree to tree, they fly. They're singing, their songs seem to have purpose, they call to one another. The other day when I was feeling especially lonesome. I was watching outside and I've never seen this before though. If you are bird enthusiasts and you've seen this a lot. I would love it if you would shoot me a little message and let me know about it. I saw three different, well I think it was actually two different birds and three different moments in the day where I saw one bird feeding another and the other was not a baby in the bird nest, right? So the bird which I'm guessing was a parent, a parental bird was going over to the bird feeder and taking some stuff. And then there was another bird of the same breed standing there and they would feed that bird beak to beak rather than the younger I'm assuming bird going over to the bird feeder. And I saw this happen three times and like I said, it wasn't always the same birds and I was like so taken with that. Like I had never really seen that in backyard birds before and I really I loved the message of it. Like I was feeling sort of lonely. I was feeling kind of out of control and I thought, yeah, sometimes we do just need support, right? Sometimes we need to take a breath and stand and allow ourselves to be fed. Sometimes that letting go of the doing offers the greater sense of grounding control about life. Write the message that we don't have to be the ones to do to be in control all the time. Nor do we have to demand or call the shots for anyone around us by controlling them.
It didn't appear to me that these younger birds were making any particular claims of the other bird that was feeding them. It didn't appear to me that they were like get over here and feed me though, I don't speak Sparrow. So perhaps that was what was happening. But it really felt like the bird was waiting and then they were being fed, right?
So do you notice sometimes within you, parts of you that are feeling out of control and can you take a moment even now and breathe and get really curious about them? When does it happen? And what do you hear yourself say inside And how do you feel towards that? Right. There's that lack of control that can sound really panicky. I used to wake up often having nightmares and people that were sleeping near me. My family would be saying you go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no fun to wake up to for partners and siblings and that kind of panicky? That's that's really the panicky sense of I am out of control, right? Like ah, there's nothing I can do! And of course we know when we're there, that's that's that sympathetic nervous system. Just kicking in big time. But there are much more subtle ways of feeling out of control, right? You might notice all of a sudden that you are feeling really critical of a lot of folks around you or that you are more sensitive to their words, right? So, hey, could you pick up your shoes? And it's like, what do you think? I'm not picking up my shoes. You think I'm a slob? What do you think? Right, maybe that's part that feels a little out of control or again, watching the news, or being engaged in this great big world that we have a front row seat to much more than we have ever in history. In fact, now we have a front row seat to the Galaxies. Thanks to the really quite amazingly gorgeous web telescope pictures. So isn't that amazing?
And yet boy, it can make you feel a little out of control. And I would say in those instances for me it's kind of in a good way, you know, like it lets my more responsible parts, my more egocentric parts let go and recognize, oh you are really tiny here, you know, you are beloved, you are loving, you are, you are important in your world, but you are really, really infanticide family small, relax for a moment. Yeah. So just consider for yourself what happens for you when something inside begins to feel out of control and then what parts of you step up to react to it? Maybe you go into cleaning frenzy. Maybe you go into more numbing behaviors, maybe more addictive behaviors, Right? Maybe you drink or you smoke or you go shopping or you run like 20 miles a day just cause I don't know anybody that well that's just my circle of friends anyway, whatever it is you do that numbs you out. Do you do that when you are feeling kind of out of control. And is it helpful? Right? What's it like to just stay in your body and get curious and kind of ride through it.
You know, we know that people really can enjoy sensations of being a little bit out of control, right? Think about it. How many things do people do to feel at least a little out of control? Maybe, you know, that's the thrill seekers in our world, right? They love to surf or they love to go on roller coasters or skydive or go on those ropes courses, Right? And those can be really great little techniques to discover what happens for you when you feel a bit out of control, What can you release? What can you go with? What are your calculated means of knowing I am safe and sound though. I don't necessarily feel like I've got every capability to call every single shot here. I actually think that was a really good little techniques to do right, in a, in a safe way because we realize that we can rest up some of those parts of us that so deeply feel like they need to be calling every single shot and it's just not possible. We just really can't, we can't do it for other people, right? We can't do it for our Children. And I'll tell you what, we can't do it for our Children? I don't care how little they are. Well, maybe when they're infants, but much beyond that, we can't even do it when they're infants. Let's face it, we can't control if they wake you up in the middle of the night or they're hungry, right? You know, we we think we have control over others. We think we have complete control of ourselves. We think we have control of the world and we just don't. But we can stay with ourselves anyway. That's the key, I think. We can stay inside and with the parts of ourselves that are trying and let them rest that are numbing us and let them know it's okay, I can feel, I'm okay, right? I might need to take it easy a little bit, but I can get through tough things. I can feel it. I can be with it. I can get some space. I can talk to someone. I can allow myself to be nourished and fed and supportive. Like my bird friends.
Byron Katie, who is an amazing woman and has a program called the work. She talks about The business of life. And she says, you know, there are three kinds of business. There's your business, My business and God's or the universe is business. And you want to always stay in your business because when you get out of your business, you're sort of lying to yourself as if you have some control there that you don't have. So if that's true. And I think it is, it's really helpful to begin to just be curious inside a little inquiry about, well, what really is my business and how can I tell? How can I tell when I'm migrating out into the other two kinds of business? And what can I do to come home to me? I hope that you find that may be trusting yourself rather than controlling everything so deeply inside right, will help. I hope that you will find that listening to even the young parts inside you and listening to even critical places inside or domineering places inside you. I hope that you can find that that helps because I know it does. And as you do this, do it with great love and patience for yourself. Because let's face it, we love to be in control when it feels like we got it all together, don't we? Many of us. And I would say there is a beauty to this ride of a little more risk, a little more release, a little more authenticity of what we really do hold within our own capability. You are probably more competent and capable than you know. But you might be looking at it from the inside and looking out for the control rather than understanding you have great capability within you. Have a really wonderful week by friends. I look forward to joining you next week. I think we're going to talk a little more about choice, which certainly fits the topic of control. And I hope that you take great pleasure in all that life brings. I'll look forward to seeing you then take good, good care Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Hi there. Hello, hello, come on in. Hey, this week, I'm laughing at my topic and it's not about humor. That was the last time, right? So why is this topic funny to me? Because the topic for today is control. The feeling of having control. You see it's funny to me, why is it funny to me? I think because honestly here I am, it's a beautiful, actually very warm, humid summer Sunday in New Hampshire where I live. And I am feeling so much vibration, reverberation if you will of lack of control in life. So much feels out of control, maybe it's the heat, right? And so many warnings about the heat waves all over the world. I just read an article this morning that was saying, you know, we think we'll accomplish things by 2050, but the things that they thought would kind of be happening by 2050, are happening now climate wise, and so we can't plan to have things up and sort of helped by 2050 when we're so much more ahead in terms of climate change, right? And that made me feel as it might make you feel incredibly out of control, like my gosh, well what can I do, right now? And does it matter what I do right now?
If we really take a minute and we think about control that's kind of the key, The key sensation. What can I do? And does it matter? Is there something I can do? And does it matter? We are doers aren't we? We are people of doing. Many of us have learned that that is our worth and responsibility on this earth is to be people of doing and so we gained parts of us that protect us that lead us along, that help us to navigate our lives by doing all the time. Do do, do get it done, change your behavior. That's all about doing, right? And certainly we need these parts of our lives. We need these aspects of our personality because there are things that we need to be about doing.
I was watching the birds outside my window the other day which I love to do. It is the most happy enlightening thing for me to watch these birds. They're just simple. You know, outdoor backyard kind of birds. I don't have any special homing pigeon pets or anything out there. So I'm watching these birds and you notice they are so much about doing, right? They hop from tree to tree, they fly. They're singing, their songs seem to have purpose, they call to one another. The other day when I was feeling especially lonesome. I was watching outside and I've never seen this before though. If you are bird enthusiasts and you've seen this a lot. I would love it if you would shoot me a little message and let me know about it. I saw three different, well I think it was actually two different birds and three different moments in the day where I saw one bird feeding another and the other was not a baby in the bird nest, right? So the bird which I'm guessing was a parent, a parental bird was going over to the bird feeder and taking some stuff. And then there was another bird of the same breed standing there and they would feed that bird beak to beak rather than the younger I'm assuming bird going over to the bird feeder. And I saw this happen three times and like I said, it wasn't always the same birds and I was like so taken with that. Like I had never really seen that in backyard birds before and I really I loved the message of it. Like I was feeling sort of lonely. I was feeling kind of out of control and I thought, yeah, sometimes we do just need support, right? Sometimes we need to take a breath and stand and allow ourselves to be fed. Sometimes that letting go of the doing offers the greater sense of grounding control about life. Write the message that we don't have to be the ones to do to be in control all the time. Nor do we have to demand or call the shots for anyone around us by controlling them.
It didn't appear to me that these younger birds were making any particular claims of the other bird that was feeding them. It didn't appear to me that they were like get over here and feed me though, I don't speak Sparrow. So perhaps that was what was happening. But it really felt like the bird was waiting and then they were being fed, right?
So do you notice sometimes within you, parts of you that are feeling out of control and can you take a moment even now and breathe and get really curious about them? When does it happen? And what do you hear yourself say inside And how do you feel towards that? Right. There's that lack of control that can sound really panicky. I used to wake up often having nightmares and people that were sleeping near me. My family would be saying you go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no fun to wake up to for partners and siblings and that kind of panicky? That's that's really the panicky sense of I am out of control, right? Like ah, there's nothing I can do! And of course we know when we're there, that's that's that sympathetic nervous system. Just kicking in big time. But there are much more subtle ways of feeling out of control, right? You might notice all of a sudden that you are feeling really critical of a lot of folks around you or that you are more sensitive to their words, right? So, hey, could you pick up your shoes? And it's like, what do you think? I'm not picking up my shoes. You think I'm a slob? What do you think? Right, maybe that's part that feels a little out of control or again, watching the news, or being engaged in this great big world that we have a front row seat to much more than we have ever in history. In fact, now we have a front row seat to the Galaxies. Thanks to the really quite amazingly gorgeous web telescope pictures. So isn't that amazing?
And yet boy, it can make you feel a little out of control. And I would say in those instances for me it's kind of in a good way, you know, like it lets my more responsible parts, my more egocentric parts let go and recognize, oh you are really tiny here, you know, you are beloved, you are loving, you are, you are important in your world, but you are really, really infanticide family small, relax for a moment. Yeah. So just consider for yourself what happens for you when something inside begins to feel out of control and then what parts of you step up to react to it? Maybe you go into cleaning frenzy. Maybe you go into more numbing behaviors, maybe more addictive behaviors, Right? Maybe you drink or you smoke or you go shopping or you run like 20 miles a day just cause I don't know anybody that well that's just my circle of friends anyway, whatever it is you do that numbs you out. Do you do that when you are feeling kind of out of control. And is it helpful? Right? What's it like to just stay in your body and get curious and kind of ride through it.
You know, we know that people really can enjoy sensations of being a little bit out of control, right? Think about it. How many things do people do to feel at least a little out of control? Maybe, you know, that's the thrill seekers in our world, right? They love to surf or they love to go on roller coasters or skydive or go on those ropes courses, Right? And those can be really great little techniques to discover what happens for you when you feel a bit out of control, What can you release? What can you go with? What are your calculated means of knowing I am safe and sound though. I don't necessarily feel like I've got every capability to call every single shot here. I actually think that was a really good little techniques to do right, in a, in a safe way because we realize that we can rest up some of those parts of us that so deeply feel like they need to be calling every single shot and it's just not possible. We just really can't, we can't do it for other people, right? We can't do it for our Children. And I'll tell you what, we can't do it for our Children? I don't care how little they are. Well, maybe when they're infants, but much beyond that, we can't even do it when they're infants. Let's face it, we can't control if they wake you up in the middle of the night or they're hungry, right? You know, we we think we have control over others. We think we have complete control of ourselves. We think we have control of the world and we just don't. But we can stay with ourselves anyway. That's the key, I think. We can stay inside and with the parts of ourselves that are trying and let them rest that are numbing us and let them know it's okay, I can feel, I'm okay, right? I might need to take it easy a little bit, but I can get through tough things. I can feel it. I can be with it. I can get some space. I can talk to someone. I can allow myself to be nourished and fed and supportive. Like my bird friends.
Byron Katie, who is an amazing woman and has a program called the work. She talks about The business of life. And she says, you know, there are three kinds of business. There's your business, My business and God's or the universe is business. And you want to always stay in your business because when you get out of your business, you're sort of lying to yourself as if you have some control there that you don't have. So if that's true. And I think it is, it's really helpful to begin to just be curious inside a little inquiry about, well, what really is my business and how can I tell? How can I tell when I'm migrating out into the other two kinds of business? And what can I do to come home to me? I hope that you find that may be trusting yourself rather than controlling everything so deeply inside right, will help. I hope that you will find that listening to even the young parts inside you and listening to even critical places inside or domineering places inside you. I hope that you can find that that helps because I know it does. And as you do this, do it with great love and patience for yourself. Because let's face it, we love to be in control when it feels like we got it all together, don't we? Many of us. And I would say there is a beauty to this ride of a little more risk, a little more release, a little more authenticity of what we really do hold within our own capability. You are probably more competent and capable than you know. But you might be looking at it from the inside and looking out for the control rather than understanding you have great capability within you. Have a really wonderful week by friends. I look forward to joining you next week. I think we're going to talk a little more about choice, which certainly fits the topic of control. And I hope that you take great pleasure in all that life brings. I'll look forward to seeing you then take good, good care Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.