Freedom's Inside Job
July 14, 2022
It's hard to have freedom when you have to edit every single thought. This week on the Seriouslyourself podcast we explore an antidote to perfectionism: what true inner and relational freedom feels like and what conditions may have birthed our inhibition & perfectionism. And how to move forward.
Please go check out this one! You're not going to want to miss it!
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hey hello, come on in. You know I've been a therapist for many years, many, couple of decades now actually, seems impossible but true. And I was talking to someone the other day and they did this thing that I am aware of because it's happened many times and I will describe it to you.
I asked them, what do you feel right now? Like what do you hear yourself say? And then I watch and it's like they start to answer and then they stop and then they start to answer and then they stop and then they start to answer and then they stopped and I'm like huh what's going on? Well I know what's going on generally, they're editing inside, right? They start to say something and then they think is this accurate, is this the whole truth, This sounds bad, I shouldn't say that whatever it is. And this can be a really simple question like you know, what did you just hear yourself say, or what do you feel about that?
And I realize because this happened so often that probably most of us do it sometimes, right? I also realized that I can have some benefits. There are times when of course we should stop and really consider what we're saying. But here we are, you know, it's just me and the client and there's no need in my mind to please me or to change their position on anything or just say anything differently. I am really very curious of about just what is happening inside you. And there are parts of most of us that have learned, don't say it, don't let anyone know, it might not be okay.
So it's July 2022 and in the U.S., I think most of us are raised to think about July as a holiday month, mainly captured by fireworks and symbols of freedom. The Fourth July, right, independence day. Now we know for many of our population there there was no independence when independence day came around. However, it certainly has been a part of our national culture and tapestry for as long as I've been alive and it is a time to really think about freedoms and liberties and independence. And I was thinking about it for us here in terms of like, well you know, maybe one of the places that we stop feeling free and independent and full of liberties is internally, you know.
This is one thing I really love about working with Internal Family systems model in therapy and that is that you can learn that there are many parts of you that say and feel many different things. In fact, most often they say and feel the opposite of one another for example and we've talked about this before, but just to refresh your memory, you know, if I ask you, how do you feel about broccoli? You might have a part of you that says, you know, I don't really like broccoli, this is not me because I really do like broccoli, but if you did, "I don't really like broccoli". And then pretty quickly after saying that you might have a part of you that says, well, you know, "now I feel dumb because I know you're supposed to like broccoli because it's good for you", right? And then you might have another part of me that says, well, okay, like I like it when it's raw, but I don't like it when it's cooked or I like it when it's in the salad with bacon, but I don't like it when it's just plain, alright? So here's this tiny little non provocative topic of broccoli and we can imagine that inside us, we might have parts of us that feel very differently about broccoli and that can be really confusing.
And if you think about it when you're a little kid, if you're asked about something and you are not great at really being savvy about your words, you don't maybe know how to edit yet. You might have said or done something that caused you later to feel embarrassment or shame, right? A friend might say, you know, when you're in first grade, how do you like my dress and you hate blue? So you say, oh, I hate it. And you learn pretty quickly, you know, after the kid has started crying and the teacher has made you go sit in your seat that you probably should have edited those words, right? I remember being in the back seat of the car and I was you know, certainly old enough to quote unquote, know better. But I said something that hurt a family friends feelings. And I remember my mom turning back to me and saying, you know Ingrid you need to learn some tact. And I'm sure she was right honestly. And there are many times when some editing and some tact is a good tack, it's a good way to go. But if you're really in a position where you are alone, right? You're with a therapist, you're with someone who loves you, like a partner, right? Very good friend. It's so important to be able to name. Well, a part of me is feeling this way and then, you know, a part of me is also feeling that way. And then I have this strong reaction to both of them that says this because I'll tell you right now, that is more the true experience of what's happening inside us.
It's hard to have freedom when you have to edit every single word that comes out of your mouth. And sometimes every single thought that is in your mind. It is hard to have any freedom when you have to do that. And it is exhausting to have to hold all of that. It is exhausting to have to hold back, right. I look at my clients who are doing that little internal edit, It's like a shake off. You know, it's like that shake off don't say that. No wait. She asked what did she asked me? She asked me how I felt. Yeah, Well, I kind of feel, but no, I can't say that. Well, it's not exactly this. Well, it's not how amazing, if they were free, right? If they had the liberty to just say, yeah, it's kind of like this. And it's also like that I hear myself saying this really harsh and rather embarrassing thing. I hear myself wanting to just quit. I certainly have parts that don't want to quit and so on. Just all of it, right? Hey, I got time. I can hear all of it. It's okay.
In those moments, what I tend to do, it's just stop for a second and first notice there is a part of you that's working really hard to get it just right, isn't there? And the response to that answer Is almost 100% of the time a resounding. "Yeah, I'm really tired. I'm really tired of trying to get it just right". And then when you say, let's acknowledge that part for really trying so hard and let's look at parts of you that we're speaking. We can even hold them lightly, right? Like there's the silly part that was like, oh screw this and there's another part. Like I'm just so mad. We can even hold those lightly and lovingly because I'll guarantee you at some time in life they were not, they were not looked at lovingly or lightly. You know, we need to be able to hold parts of us in this free manner without constantly check, check, check, check, check. And one way to do that is to be aware of them personally because when we're not, they tend to come out when we are tired, when we've had a drink, when we're frustrated, when we've kind of hit the last straw and instead of being able to be spoken for in that way that is light and precious and to say, oh, there's a part of me that just goes yuck, I hate that. Instead they come out like "I hate you, you stink. You're so mean to me, why would you do this" and so on? Right?
So where can you find a little more freedom? This July right. A little less personal editing when you are in personal space, that's the place to practice folks and it is a practice after you turn off the podcast today. I would say take a couple breaths and just notice how many opinions ideas critiques, comments, thoughts you have. There are many and many parts of you are also so very, very tired of editing them all the time. Even when you are 100% perfectly safe. That's part of liberty, isn't it? That's part of freedom and independence, knowing that we are safe, right. Now, there are many settings when I know you don't feel safe. I'm well aware many settings wherein I don't feel safe. That is not the place, right, to let these parts of you just rip because you're going to get hurt again, right? And then all that protection, all that lack of freedom comes back in and it locks you down. It says it's all because of everyone else. And it puts the key down and it says there, I have no control over this. But inside you you can pick up that key anytime you want and you can listen to all of you and if you need help doing that, you can always find a really good therapist, yeah?
So how are you going to be a little more independent and free this July. How are you going to be a little more seriously yourself? Especially with yourself? Yeah, let's do it with humor. Let's do it with lightness. Let's do it with respect. Let's do it with love.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out. You can DM me on my social media at Ingrid L. M. F. T. You can send me a message here and for sure follow and share this with friends. It would be a great topic. How much do they edit every day, especially with themselves? Talk to you soon. I hope you're feeling some freedom be well guys, Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Hey hello, come on in. You know I've been a therapist for many years, many, couple of decades now actually, seems impossible but true. And I was talking to someone the other day and they did this thing that I am aware of because it's happened many times and I will describe it to you.
I asked them, what do you feel right now? Like what do you hear yourself say? And then I watch and it's like they start to answer and then they stop and then they start to answer and then they stop and then they start to answer and then they stopped and I'm like huh what's going on? Well I know what's going on generally, they're editing inside, right? They start to say something and then they think is this accurate, is this the whole truth, This sounds bad, I shouldn't say that whatever it is. And this can be a really simple question like you know, what did you just hear yourself say, or what do you feel about that?
And I realize because this happened so often that probably most of us do it sometimes, right? I also realized that I can have some benefits. There are times when of course we should stop and really consider what we're saying. But here we are, you know, it's just me and the client and there's no need in my mind to please me or to change their position on anything or just say anything differently. I am really very curious of about just what is happening inside you. And there are parts of most of us that have learned, don't say it, don't let anyone know, it might not be okay.
So it's July 2022 and in the U.S., I think most of us are raised to think about July as a holiday month, mainly captured by fireworks and symbols of freedom. The Fourth July, right, independence day. Now we know for many of our population there there was no independence when independence day came around. However, it certainly has been a part of our national culture and tapestry for as long as I've been alive and it is a time to really think about freedoms and liberties and independence. And I was thinking about it for us here in terms of like, well you know, maybe one of the places that we stop feeling free and independent and full of liberties is internally, you know.
This is one thing I really love about working with Internal Family systems model in therapy and that is that you can learn that there are many parts of you that say and feel many different things. In fact, most often they say and feel the opposite of one another for example and we've talked about this before, but just to refresh your memory, you know, if I ask you, how do you feel about broccoli? You might have a part of you that says, you know, I don't really like broccoli, this is not me because I really do like broccoli, but if you did, "I don't really like broccoli". And then pretty quickly after saying that you might have a part of you that says, well, you know, "now I feel dumb because I know you're supposed to like broccoli because it's good for you", right? And then you might have another part of me that says, well, okay, like I like it when it's raw, but I don't like it when it's cooked or I like it when it's in the salad with bacon, but I don't like it when it's just plain, alright? So here's this tiny little non provocative topic of broccoli and we can imagine that inside us, we might have parts of us that feel very differently about broccoli and that can be really confusing.
And if you think about it when you're a little kid, if you're asked about something and you are not great at really being savvy about your words, you don't maybe know how to edit yet. You might have said or done something that caused you later to feel embarrassment or shame, right? A friend might say, you know, when you're in first grade, how do you like my dress and you hate blue? So you say, oh, I hate it. And you learn pretty quickly, you know, after the kid has started crying and the teacher has made you go sit in your seat that you probably should have edited those words, right? I remember being in the back seat of the car and I was you know, certainly old enough to quote unquote, know better. But I said something that hurt a family friends feelings. And I remember my mom turning back to me and saying, you know Ingrid you need to learn some tact. And I'm sure she was right honestly. And there are many times when some editing and some tact is a good tack, it's a good way to go. But if you're really in a position where you are alone, right? You're with a therapist, you're with someone who loves you, like a partner, right? Very good friend. It's so important to be able to name. Well, a part of me is feeling this way and then, you know, a part of me is also feeling that way. And then I have this strong reaction to both of them that says this because I'll tell you right now, that is more the true experience of what's happening inside us.
It's hard to have freedom when you have to edit every single word that comes out of your mouth. And sometimes every single thought that is in your mind. It is hard to have any freedom when you have to do that. And it is exhausting to have to hold all of that. It is exhausting to have to hold back, right. I look at my clients who are doing that little internal edit, It's like a shake off. You know, it's like that shake off don't say that. No wait. She asked what did she asked me? She asked me how I felt. Yeah, Well, I kind of feel, but no, I can't say that. Well, it's not exactly this. Well, it's not how amazing, if they were free, right? If they had the liberty to just say, yeah, it's kind of like this. And it's also like that I hear myself saying this really harsh and rather embarrassing thing. I hear myself wanting to just quit. I certainly have parts that don't want to quit and so on. Just all of it, right? Hey, I got time. I can hear all of it. It's okay.
In those moments, what I tend to do, it's just stop for a second and first notice there is a part of you that's working really hard to get it just right, isn't there? And the response to that answer Is almost 100% of the time a resounding. "Yeah, I'm really tired. I'm really tired of trying to get it just right". And then when you say, let's acknowledge that part for really trying so hard and let's look at parts of you that we're speaking. We can even hold them lightly, right? Like there's the silly part that was like, oh screw this and there's another part. Like I'm just so mad. We can even hold those lightly and lovingly because I'll guarantee you at some time in life they were not, they were not looked at lovingly or lightly. You know, we need to be able to hold parts of us in this free manner without constantly check, check, check, check, check. And one way to do that is to be aware of them personally because when we're not, they tend to come out when we are tired, when we've had a drink, when we're frustrated, when we've kind of hit the last straw and instead of being able to be spoken for in that way that is light and precious and to say, oh, there's a part of me that just goes yuck, I hate that. Instead they come out like "I hate you, you stink. You're so mean to me, why would you do this" and so on? Right?
So where can you find a little more freedom? This July right. A little less personal editing when you are in personal space, that's the place to practice folks and it is a practice after you turn off the podcast today. I would say take a couple breaths and just notice how many opinions ideas critiques, comments, thoughts you have. There are many and many parts of you are also so very, very tired of editing them all the time. Even when you are 100% perfectly safe. That's part of liberty, isn't it? That's part of freedom and independence, knowing that we are safe, right. Now, there are many settings when I know you don't feel safe. I'm well aware many settings wherein I don't feel safe. That is not the place, right, to let these parts of you just rip because you're going to get hurt again, right? And then all that protection, all that lack of freedom comes back in and it locks you down. It says it's all because of everyone else. And it puts the key down and it says there, I have no control over this. But inside you you can pick up that key anytime you want and you can listen to all of you and if you need help doing that, you can always find a really good therapist, yeah?
So how are you going to be a little more independent and free this July. How are you going to be a little more seriously yourself? Especially with yourself? Yeah, let's do it with humor. Let's do it with lightness. Let's do it with respect. Let's do it with love.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out. You can DM me on my social media at Ingrid L. M. F. T. You can send me a message here and for sure follow and share this with friends. It would be a great topic. How much do they edit every day, especially with themselves? Talk to you soon. I hope you're feeling some freedom be well guys, Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time