Really, Don't Just Let It Go!
October 21, 2022
How can you let go of a feeling you've never really held? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I've heard so many people say this but I don't know how to do it"? In this week's podcast we go over how to do just that.
How can you let go of a feeling you've never really held? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I've heard so many people say this but I don't know how to do it"? In this week's podcast we go over how to do just that.
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hey, welcome, welcome, come on in. How you doing? Oh, I hope you're well. Today, we're revisiting something that came up I think was an episode 37. And in it I was talking about sort of subverting, is that the right word? Subverting, getting you know, going around circumventing? I think that's what I mean, feelings that I don't really like by thinking about them so much. So I would, you know, put them up for judgment and you can hear that if you go back to episode 37, it's called "motion, not negotiation" or something like "emotion without negotiation".
But today I really wanted to talk a little more about a comment that I made in there that has gotten some attention and that I think is really important, and that is the comment that you cannot let go of something that you haven't already held right? You can't let go of something if you don't hold it, have you tried? It just doesn't work right. You know, if I catch a ball that someone threw to me and I've got a hold of that thing, I can let it go, but if I go to catch a ball and it glances off my shoulder, leaving a bruise that I ignore and I don't hold on to that ball and someone says, well let it go, I don't know what they're talking about because there's nothing to let go. And we do this often, I would say, oh just let it go. How many times do people say just let it go would you just let it go. And of course letting something go make sense, especially for driving the other person crazy ruminating about what is upsetting or hard for us, right? Just let it go. Yeah. Well the problem is you can't let it go because you haven't held it in the first place right? You haven't embraced it. You haven't given it enough actual sensate right to hold. You could hold something in mind right? You could just hold it in your mind and what are you gonna do? You're gonna say it over and over and over. You're going to repeat it. It's gonna come back to haunt you because it's held in the mind, right?
So I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about actually taking the time to notice the fullness of what you feel. To notice what comes up in you around a feeling and to get real about it like oh hi hello who's that? What's making that feeling inside me? And usually again why would I was gonna say usually we tend to avoid holding bad feelings but I think as many of us also tend to avoid holding good things, right, compliments or gratitude right or happiness or joy. It's hard to hold both right? The one feels a little dangerous to hold, you might get too cocky or too insular to secure and make a huge mistake and oh no, right and the other just hurts just painful. So we don't want to hold that one either. But I would say if we don't hold them, we can't let them go, we can't release, we can't let them be where they properly need to be. Right. And so the statement of just let it go cannot happen until we know what it is we're letting go of, right?
So how can you do that? That's not an easy practice in the seriously yourself community. I think it was last February we were working on the concept of joy and lament in the same month, right? It was like this oxymoron, this juxtaposition of these two very different things, joy and lament, but what joy and lament or joy and greeting, joy and sorrow, however you want to put it have to do with one another is that they are both full. They both hold a lot of deep feeling and meaning, right, and to witness them together is to find a way to hold that depth. That sensation, love charisma delight, deep grief, loss, all of it to hold it to feel it. And then, you know what honestly, you don't even need to let it go because what we discovered is that when you do that, it sort of lifts it sort of elevates it sort of rises in a way and you're not even casting it off, letting it go, it just moves and it tends to move up and out and leave you with the most wonderful sensation of hope, of clarity, of well being, of connection.
So what do you feel? You've been trying to let go of and let go of and let go of? And people have told you maybe just let it go or you tell yourself or you even, you know, you just hope you can let it go or you pray to let it go or you think you would let it go and then just get smacked with it again the next day, or the next time someone says something to you that gives you that feeling, Oh, it's right back to snap, right? There was no letting go. It was like lying dormant. Yeah, because you didn't hold it, he didn't hold it. And I'll think about holding something, okay, I wanted to make it really clear holding or embracing is not like being it right? I can be a baby. Well, I can't be a baby, but I was but I can't, if I'm all baby, I couldn't hold myself right? That's just silly. Maybe it's a silly example. But in order to hold something, you don't just run it through your mind and hold judgment. That's episode 37 decide if it's valuable or has a right to be there now, it's there. Guess what? You sort of lift it up and if you imagine holding anything, it's in front of you, right? Our hands are such that when we live something, it's usually in front of us. If it's not switch it around and look at it in front of you and notice in the body, what am I carrying? What is this? What is this twinge or pain or heaviness? Fear? What is this that I would just as soon let go of? What am I letting go of? What parts of me are connected to? It. Does it remind me, does it bring me back to an earlier time in my life? Right? Is it to worry about the future? Is it just this sensation of? Well yeah, that person said this and it hurt but it shouldn't have. No, no, no, that's the mind thing. It did. So what part of me took the pain? Right? A part of me took the pain and then hold that part so that you can be with it. Let it tell you, let it show you, right, take a breath into it. This is what we did in our group with sorrow and joy with sorrow and delight, lament and joy. We really held them both out front and allowed ourselves to be with them.
Yeah, there are things you may need to actually let go of release. I would say, you know in your mind's eye, don't just drop it or push it or backing away if you really intend to release something, take a breath and you can release it. You know the IFS, the internal family Systems model way, is releasing it to any of the elements right to the earth, to water, to fire, to air and sky, to the sun, to light, right? Or to anything right? You can imagine now I am so done with this pain that, you know, never belonged to me. It was, you know, my grandfather suffering that my mother decided was mine. I don't know, I'm making this up now. Well, not exactly and you can put it in the garbage can, but you can't put it there until you really know what it is and that you really know you have permission inside you to release it. I think that's another thing that comes up with the concept of just let it go, our brains and a lot of us, you know, really says, oh yeah, of course, I don't want to feel this pain, sorrow, bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, annoyance, I don't want to feel that grief, heartache, I don't want to feel that anymore. And so, yep, let it go. But you gotta make sure inside that there's no sense of like, I'm not ready. You know, there could be a part of you that has no idea that you're even there and you're off letting this go and letting that go and inside they're like, yeah, well, good for you, but I'm still hanging on to this pain. Yeah, so if it doesn't work for you. I just want you to understand, you're not weird or broken. There's a reason it doesn't work. There's reasons it doesn't work okay. It's not all on you.
So imagine something small to start. Imagine something small a feeling you know that maybe is a little uncomfortable, just a bit, maybe someone said something the other day or you're just kinda languishing on an email you had gotten that didn't sit well maybe you saw something a movie that bugged you right? And instead of just committing it to be let go, take some time with it, hold it in your hands, put it in front of you. You know, take a real good look at it, breathe, see what comes up in your body, see what words you hear in your mind, notice what parts of you are interested in what you're holding in your hand and that will help you find that.
It's really so special. So sweet to get to know all of these nuances within us. It's such an honor. You know, it's like our gift as human beings to be able to spend time any time at all with these impressions sensations, feelings, you know, even if they hurt a bit to place them in front of you and be with the pain instead of absorbing or being in the pain, be with it, hold it, embrace it. Take good care of you this week. And hopefully this is something you can remember as you go through your week. Just taking that moment two to hold on, just a little longer before you let it go. Maybe you'll find you don't need to let it go at all. So good to be with you this week and hope you get great joy and delight just being more and more of who you are every day. See you next time. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hey, welcome, welcome, come on in. How you doing? Oh, I hope you're well. Today, we're revisiting something that came up I think was an episode 37. And in it I was talking about sort of subverting, is that the right word? Subverting, getting you know, going around circumventing? I think that's what I mean, feelings that I don't really like by thinking about them so much. So I would, you know, put them up for judgment and you can hear that if you go back to episode 37, it's called "motion, not negotiation" or something like "emotion without negotiation".
But today I really wanted to talk a little more about a comment that I made in there that has gotten some attention and that I think is really important, and that is the comment that you cannot let go of something that you haven't already held right? You can't let go of something if you don't hold it, have you tried? It just doesn't work right. You know, if I catch a ball that someone threw to me and I've got a hold of that thing, I can let it go, but if I go to catch a ball and it glances off my shoulder, leaving a bruise that I ignore and I don't hold on to that ball and someone says, well let it go, I don't know what they're talking about because there's nothing to let go. And we do this often, I would say, oh just let it go. How many times do people say just let it go would you just let it go. And of course letting something go make sense, especially for driving the other person crazy ruminating about what is upsetting or hard for us, right? Just let it go. Yeah. Well the problem is you can't let it go because you haven't held it in the first place right? You haven't embraced it. You haven't given it enough actual sensate right to hold. You could hold something in mind right? You could just hold it in your mind and what are you gonna do? You're gonna say it over and over and over. You're going to repeat it. It's gonna come back to haunt you because it's held in the mind, right?
So I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about actually taking the time to notice the fullness of what you feel. To notice what comes up in you around a feeling and to get real about it like oh hi hello who's that? What's making that feeling inside me? And usually again why would I was gonna say usually we tend to avoid holding bad feelings but I think as many of us also tend to avoid holding good things, right, compliments or gratitude right or happiness or joy. It's hard to hold both right? The one feels a little dangerous to hold, you might get too cocky or too insular to secure and make a huge mistake and oh no, right and the other just hurts just painful. So we don't want to hold that one either. But I would say if we don't hold them, we can't let them go, we can't release, we can't let them be where they properly need to be. Right. And so the statement of just let it go cannot happen until we know what it is we're letting go of, right?
So how can you do that? That's not an easy practice in the seriously yourself community. I think it was last February we were working on the concept of joy and lament in the same month, right? It was like this oxymoron, this juxtaposition of these two very different things, joy and lament, but what joy and lament or joy and greeting, joy and sorrow, however you want to put it have to do with one another is that they are both full. They both hold a lot of deep feeling and meaning, right, and to witness them together is to find a way to hold that depth. That sensation, love charisma delight, deep grief, loss, all of it to hold it to feel it. And then, you know what honestly, you don't even need to let it go because what we discovered is that when you do that, it sort of lifts it sort of elevates it sort of rises in a way and you're not even casting it off, letting it go, it just moves and it tends to move up and out and leave you with the most wonderful sensation of hope, of clarity, of well being, of connection.
So what do you feel? You've been trying to let go of and let go of and let go of? And people have told you maybe just let it go or you tell yourself or you even, you know, you just hope you can let it go or you pray to let it go or you think you would let it go and then just get smacked with it again the next day, or the next time someone says something to you that gives you that feeling, Oh, it's right back to snap, right? There was no letting go. It was like lying dormant. Yeah, because you didn't hold it, he didn't hold it. And I'll think about holding something, okay, I wanted to make it really clear holding or embracing is not like being it right? I can be a baby. Well, I can't be a baby, but I was but I can't, if I'm all baby, I couldn't hold myself right? That's just silly. Maybe it's a silly example. But in order to hold something, you don't just run it through your mind and hold judgment. That's episode 37 decide if it's valuable or has a right to be there now, it's there. Guess what? You sort of lift it up and if you imagine holding anything, it's in front of you, right? Our hands are such that when we live something, it's usually in front of us. If it's not switch it around and look at it in front of you and notice in the body, what am I carrying? What is this? What is this twinge or pain or heaviness? Fear? What is this that I would just as soon let go of? What am I letting go of? What parts of me are connected to? It. Does it remind me, does it bring me back to an earlier time in my life? Right? Is it to worry about the future? Is it just this sensation of? Well yeah, that person said this and it hurt but it shouldn't have. No, no, no, that's the mind thing. It did. So what part of me took the pain? Right? A part of me took the pain and then hold that part so that you can be with it. Let it tell you, let it show you, right, take a breath into it. This is what we did in our group with sorrow and joy with sorrow and delight, lament and joy. We really held them both out front and allowed ourselves to be with them.
Yeah, there are things you may need to actually let go of release. I would say, you know in your mind's eye, don't just drop it or push it or backing away if you really intend to release something, take a breath and you can release it. You know the IFS, the internal family Systems model way, is releasing it to any of the elements right to the earth, to water, to fire, to air and sky, to the sun, to light, right? Or to anything right? You can imagine now I am so done with this pain that, you know, never belonged to me. It was, you know, my grandfather suffering that my mother decided was mine. I don't know, I'm making this up now. Well, not exactly and you can put it in the garbage can, but you can't put it there until you really know what it is and that you really know you have permission inside you to release it. I think that's another thing that comes up with the concept of just let it go, our brains and a lot of us, you know, really says, oh yeah, of course, I don't want to feel this pain, sorrow, bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, annoyance, I don't want to feel that grief, heartache, I don't want to feel that anymore. And so, yep, let it go. But you gotta make sure inside that there's no sense of like, I'm not ready. You know, there could be a part of you that has no idea that you're even there and you're off letting this go and letting that go and inside they're like, yeah, well, good for you, but I'm still hanging on to this pain. Yeah, so if it doesn't work for you. I just want you to understand, you're not weird or broken. There's a reason it doesn't work. There's reasons it doesn't work okay. It's not all on you.
So imagine something small to start. Imagine something small a feeling you know that maybe is a little uncomfortable, just a bit, maybe someone said something the other day or you're just kinda languishing on an email you had gotten that didn't sit well maybe you saw something a movie that bugged you right? And instead of just committing it to be let go, take some time with it, hold it in your hands, put it in front of you. You know, take a real good look at it, breathe, see what comes up in your body, see what words you hear in your mind, notice what parts of you are interested in what you're holding in your hand and that will help you find that.
It's really so special. So sweet to get to know all of these nuances within us. It's such an honor. You know, it's like our gift as human beings to be able to spend time any time at all with these impressions sensations, feelings, you know, even if they hurt a bit to place them in front of you and be with the pain instead of absorbing or being in the pain, be with it, hold it, embrace it. Take good care of you this week. And hopefully this is something you can remember as you go through your week. Just taking that moment two to hold on, just a little longer before you let it go. Maybe you'll find you don't need to let it go at all. So good to be with you this week and hope you get great joy and delight just being more and more of who you are every day. See you next time. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.