Disappointment
October 13, 2022
Disappointment is a tough thing to manage, but you can do it. This week we explore how to view your disappointment through a lens of care and how to befriend it.
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hello, come on in. Welcome, how are you today today? We have a topic that honestly, I just don't really like, but I think that's important to talk about. So what I don't like at all very often is disappointment. You know, I can handle being sad, I can handle you know grief, I can handle loss, but there's something about being disappointed or disappointing that kind of drives me nuts. I don't know do you have that? And I've been thinking about it and working on it and I'm curious about it, you know, disappointment often can kind of run my show. It's almost like something that I feel like, is to be avoided at many costs, almost all costs and that's big, right? I mean we shouldn't have to avoid any emotion I think at all costs that kind of feels just innately like a problem. So being that there are parts of me that really feel like let's get rid of all sources of any possible disappointment. Yeah, that can't be good. I don't think that can be good. How about you?
You know, I was looking up the word disappointment and it comes from the french word, which is to disappoint, right? So you would actually be removed from an appointment to an office, you had been stationed in, right? Like say you were elected to mayor and then you were removed that would be a disappointment or if someone canceled an appointment that would be a disappointment and it's interesting how disappointment works that way. You know, we use it now to be something that makes you feel like you've lost and you've lost hope and you've kind of failed, right? And that would make sense if it came from a word that meant you've been removed from office, right? You've failed and I really think that's so tangled up in it. You know, words that are passed down generation after generation, they hold meaning in our bodies and I don't even think we often think about it or or know it until we start feeling our bodies and then we go, oh yeah makes sense. This disappointed thing. I feel like I have been let down on something. I was looking forward to say an appointment. I feel like I have been removed from an office, maybe even an honor. I have disappointed, right?
So when you think about disappointment and maybe it's not a thing for you, you know, I don't know but what comes up in your own body, your mind? You know, one of the things that has happened lately and is the reason I'm talking about it honestly is that I think the sort of rise and surge and you know diminishing of the impact of covid and global pandemic and quarantining was that there was not as much need for protection of disappointment personally, does this make sense? So yes, there was colossal disappointment about everything. We had to go through all this stuff we had to undo. It wasn't a lot of doing as much except for maybe I was making crazy T shirt masks and wiping off my groceries and collecting, you know, toilet paper I guess that you would need. But you know, there wasn't a lot of outside activity to do. You know, most people couldn't even go to work. Your kids couldn't go to school for a while. You know, you couldn't go visit your grandma, you couldn't have Christmas all together. You couldn't, right, couldn't, couldn't couldn't, but you knew you couldn't, so the pressure to create moments of doing things sort of ceased very quickly very, very quickly. And there was that I'm so sick of having to sit in the house and oh, I miss going out so bad. I miss having a beautiful dinner in a candlelit restaurant and I miss going to this concert or sitting in a crowded movie theater. Yeah, yeah, we missed that.
But because those things were not my fault if you will, that not being able to do those things was not under my control. I found it much easier to resist any feelings of disappointment. So I didn't have to worry that if I planned a birthday dinner and nobody could come or people got sick right or they were otherwise occupied. I didn't have to worry about any disappointment because it couldn't happen anyway. Or perhaps, you know, I wanted to have a vacation right. It had to be so boiled down right. Less people protected areas. You know a lot of work to make any travel or anything happen and so often I just didn't, it was just easier not to but I didn't feel bad or disappointed about that because I really couldn't do it anyway.
And now many people well prior to now I realize but you know, I think as a whole the country is sort of saying well you know you can go about your life, you can move about the cabin now. Yeah and that feels great and for me this little tiny internal sensation of the possibility of disappointment is sort of peeking up its little head. It's sort of looking around like oh, oh I could make a mistake. I could want something a lot, like a beautiful vacation and maybe get sick or have the flight canceled or have a hurricane happen or nobody wants to go or or or right? Lots of catastrophizing gets associated around this sense of disappointment and it's all protective. It's all in the interest of not feeling like I've done something badly or that I am disappointed. I am either disappointed or a disappointment. So for me the way that I help this is not to dwell on it though, I recognize might sound like I am but it is to take it seriously which is what we do here it seriously yourself and to give it some time, give it a little airplay so that the parts of me that worry about disappointing or being disappointed. Don't feel so alone.For one thing that they know they have adult guidance, which would be me and all of the resources that I have at my fingertips and that I will listen. I will listen to them. You know when I sense into parts that feel disappointed and I begin listening, I also can feel kind of a deep well of sadness. I'm not even sure what all of it is honestly. But if you come across that, just know, it's okay. You don't have to feel like you're not all right. It's all right to take a breath. Ask for a little space inside from your parts that want your attention. Yeah. And just you know, notice them as if they were children or they were someone you care about.
They don't have to take over your mind, your heart. They don't have to tell you. Yes, in fact, I'm disappointed because you are a failure. You are a disappointment. No, no, you're not a disappointment. And if you heard that sometime or you picked up that energy so much better to take a moment and let that part know, that was not true. Right. That was not true. You were not supposed to be perfect when you were five, You did not ruin everyone's vacation when you were four. You could not have known that everyone would get the stomach flu. That Christmas, that was not on you. I don't know if that helps or not, but whatever it is for you, right?
The easiest way to do this is to get it on paper and I say that having done this for a long time that when you're really listening to your inner voice is your inner parts, your psyche. If you will, it's so helpful to be writing or drawing because you can see then and you can literally get a little space from what you're putting down, right? You don't want so much space that you have to push it away and ignore it and not listen but you want just enough space so that you can stay curious and calm and from there you have a million possibilities.
If I don't get space, what happens is I hunker down around this disappointed fear of disappointing or being disappointed and I create all kinds of systems to manage that pain and then I don't go on vacation or I don't even try, I don't make plans, I don't make any effort toward anything that might be risky and that's not okay, right? That is in a way that I want to live. It's a way that that part thinks will be successfully safe. But it really only gets it more disappointment. Yeah. Yeah. That's a really key thing to remember that when you have these strong sensations inside or ones that have been there a long time and they want something for you. You know, like to never be disappointed again. The sad truth is if they feel like they are doing that by themselves and you operate around everything that protects them, manages them, keeps your life rolling away from them. You're gonna get exactly what you don't want. And that's the worst, right? But when we listen, we offer compassion. We help bring that part into today's world, right out of the past and into the present. And we notice that all that protection might better be used to well maybe to plan a trip or to invest in something or to do something that you might feel a little bit skittish about with the concept of you know it's okay. You know it's okay. No one's really watching, no one is going to blame you. And if they are you can talk to them about it. You are going to be all right. You're gonna be all right. So notice what parts of you worry about disappointing or being disappointed this week. Maybe let them know you're gonna be alright and spend a little time writing or drawing from them. It's a really amazing thing to do and it only takes a second and it doesn't have to be perfect. It's just starting. It's just a matter of starting right now. You can start by simply breathing and feeling your own feelings in a way that you can witness, let me know what goes for you. It can really be actually kind of fun and I'll keep you posted on how my disappointed part is doing as I'm up and around and doing more and I don't have that giant pandemic permission slip, be well, come join me and seriously yourself the community and I'll see you soon. Take care. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Hello, come on in. Welcome, how are you today today? We have a topic that honestly, I just don't really like, but I think that's important to talk about. So what I don't like at all very often is disappointment. You know, I can handle being sad, I can handle you know grief, I can handle loss, but there's something about being disappointed or disappointing that kind of drives me nuts. I don't know do you have that? And I've been thinking about it and working on it and I'm curious about it, you know, disappointment often can kind of run my show. It's almost like something that I feel like, is to be avoided at many costs, almost all costs and that's big, right? I mean we shouldn't have to avoid any emotion I think at all costs that kind of feels just innately like a problem. So being that there are parts of me that really feel like let's get rid of all sources of any possible disappointment. Yeah, that can't be good. I don't think that can be good. How about you?
You know, I was looking up the word disappointment and it comes from the french word, which is to disappoint, right? So you would actually be removed from an appointment to an office, you had been stationed in, right? Like say you were elected to mayor and then you were removed that would be a disappointment or if someone canceled an appointment that would be a disappointment and it's interesting how disappointment works that way. You know, we use it now to be something that makes you feel like you've lost and you've lost hope and you've kind of failed, right? And that would make sense if it came from a word that meant you've been removed from office, right? You've failed and I really think that's so tangled up in it. You know, words that are passed down generation after generation, they hold meaning in our bodies and I don't even think we often think about it or or know it until we start feeling our bodies and then we go, oh yeah makes sense. This disappointed thing. I feel like I have been let down on something. I was looking forward to say an appointment. I feel like I have been removed from an office, maybe even an honor. I have disappointed, right?
So when you think about disappointment and maybe it's not a thing for you, you know, I don't know but what comes up in your own body, your mind? You know, one of the things that has happened lately and is the reason I'm talking about it honestly is that I think the sort of rise and surge and you know diminishing of the impact of covid and global pandemic and quarantining was that there was not as much need for protection of disappointment personally, does this make sense? So yes, there was colossal disappointment about everything. We had to go through all this stuff we had to undo. It wasn't a lot of doing as much except for maybe I was making crazy T shirt masks and wiping off my groceries and collecting, you know, toilet paper I guess that you would need. But you know, there wasn't a lot of outside activity to do. You know, most people couldn't even go to work. Your kids couldn't go to school for a while. You know, you couldn't go visit your grandma, you couldn't have Christmas all together. You couldn't, right, couldn't, couldn't couldn't, but you knew you couldn't, so the pressure to create moments of doing things sort of ceased very quickly very, very quickly. And there was that I'm so sick of having to sit in the house and oh, I miss going out so bad. I miss having a beautiful dinner in a candlelit restaurant and I miss going to this concert or sitting in a crowded movie theater. Yeah, yeah, we missed that.
But because those things were not my fault if you will, that not being able to do those things was not under my control. I found it much easier to resist any feelings of disappointment. So I didn't have to worry that if I planned a birthday dinner and nobody could come or people got sick right or they were otherwise occupied. I didn't have to worry about any disappointment because it couldn't happen anyway. Or perhaps, you know, I wanted to have a vacation right. It had to be so boiled down right. Less people protected areas. You know a lot of work to make any travel or anything happen and so often I just didn't, it was just easier not to but I didn't feel bad or disappointed about that because I really couldn't do it anyway.
And now many people well prior to now I realize but you know, I think as a whole the country is sort of saying well you know you can go about your life, you can move about the cabin now. Yeah and that feels great and for me this little tiny internal sensation of the possibility of disappointment is sort of peeking up its little head. It's sort of looking around like oh, oh I could make a mistake. I could want something a lot, like a beautiful vacation and maybe get sick or have the flight canceled or have a hurricane happen or nobody wants to go or or or right? Lots of catastrophizing gets associated around this sense of disappointment and it's all protective. It's all in the interest of not feeling like I've done something badly or that I am disappointed. I am either disappointed or a disappointment. So for me the way that I help this is not to dwell on it though, I recognize might sound like I am but it is to take it seriously which is what we do here it seriously yourself and to give it some time, give it a little airplay so that the parts of me that worry about disappointing or being disappointed. Don't feel so alone.For one thing that they know they have adult guidance, which would be me and all of the resources that I have at my fingertips and that I will listen. I will listen to them. You know when I sense into parts that feel disappointed and I begin listening, I also can feel kind of a deep well of sadness. I'm not even sure what all of it is honestly. But if you come across that, just know, it's okay. You don't have to feel like you're not all right. It's all right to take a breath. Ask for a little space inside from your parts that want your attention. Yeah. And just you know, notice them as if they were children or they were someone you care about.
They don't have to take over your mind, your heart. They don't have to tell you. Yes, in fact, I'm disappointed because you are a failure. You are a disappointment. No, no, you're not a disappointment. And if you heard that sometime or you picked up that energy so much better to take a moment and let that part know, that was not true. Right. That was not true. You were not supposed to be perfect when you were five, You did not ruin everyone's vacation when you were four. You could not have known that everyone would get the stomach flu. That Christmas, that was not on you. I don't know if that helps or not, but whatever it is for you, right?
The easiest way to do this is to get it on paper and I say that having done this for a long time that when you're really listening to your inner voice is your inner parts, your psyche. If you will, it's so helpful to be writing or drawing because you can see then and you can literally get a little space from what you're putting down, right? You don't want so much space that you have to push it away and ignore it and not listen but you want just enough space so that you can stay curious and calm and from there you have a million possibilities.
If I don't get space, what happens is I hunker down around this disappointed fear of disappointing or being disappointed and I create all kinds of systems to manage that pain and then I don't go on vacation or I don't even try, I don't make plans, I don't make any effort toward anything that might be risky and that's not okay, right? That is in a way that I want to live. It's a way that that part thinks will be successfully safe. But it really only gets it more disappointment. Yeah. Yeah. That's a really key thing to remember that when you have these strong sensations inside or ones that have been there a long time and they want something for you. You know, like to never be disappointed again. The sad truth is if they feel like they are doing that by themselves and you operate around everything that protects them, manages them, keeps your life rolling away from them. You're gonna get exactly what you don't want. And that's the worst, right? But when we listen, we offer compassion. We help bring that part into today's world, right out of the past and into the present. And we notice that all that protection might better be used to well maybe to plan a trip or to invest in something or to do something that you might feel a little bit skittish about with the concept of you know it's okay. You know it's okay. No one's really watching, no one is going to blame you. And if they are you can talk to them about it. You are going to be all right. You're gonna be all right. So notice what parts of you worry about disappointing or being disappointed this week. Maybe let them know you're gonna be alright and spend a little time writing or drawing from them. It's a really amazing thing to do and it only takes a second and it doesn't have to be perfect. It's just starting. It's just a matter of starting right now. You can start by simply breathing and feeling your own feelings in a way that you can witness, let me know what goes for you. It can really be actually kind of fun and I'll keep you posted on how my disappointed part is doing as I'm up and around and doing more and I don't have that giant pandemic permission slip, be well, come join me and seriously yourself the community and I'll see you soon. Take care. Bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.