Small Talk Hacks Straight From Mazlows Hierarchy Of Needs
December 4, 2023
It could be said the very thing powering the engine room of all human relations, and all that motivates us to success in life - is small talk. What better way to prove or disprove it than with Mazlows hierarchy of needs...
It could be said the very thing powering the engine room of all human relations, and all that motivates us to success in life - is small talk.
With so much hanging in the balance, let's suspend any mistrust or dislike of small talk as we use Maslows hierarchy of needs to determine if small talk is nothing more than just idle chit-chat, or whether its a powerful fuel helping us connect with others, build rapport, make friends, relationships, and create allies.
Scaling Mazlows hierarchy of needs with small talk
Yes, small talk has got its fingerprints all over Mazlows hierarchy. So, before we can crack the nut of small talk wide open and begin wielding it like Jedi masters at social events, lets understand what it's going to do for us first.
1. Physiological
At level one Mazlow places our physical needs such as for food, water, air etc. Okay so small talk can play a role in acquiring some of these things, but that's about it.
2. Safety/Security
At level two Mazlow talks about our need for security, such as financial, health, and shelter. Not much here for small talk to get its teeth into yet, but when Mazlow published his paper entitled "A Theory of Human Motivation" back in 1943 was he thinking about mental health as part of his health brief?
Today there is better appreciation for mental health, with research showing regular social interactions have an undeniably beneficial effect. By participating in these seemingly simple exchanges of small talk, we can combat feelings of loneliness while uplifting our overall mood.
3. Social needs
After securing our physical and security needs, Mazlow places belonging third, such as that for friendships, relationships, belonging to groups etc. All of which begin with small talk.
As human beings, we thrive on interacting with each other, and searching for a home in the company of new friends & kindred spirits. All driven by a craving for a sense of belonging. Engaging in light-hearted conversations through small talk sets the pace for fulfilling these core needs.
4. Esteem needs
At the fourth level of Mazlows hierarchy comes personal achievement, self-esteem, personal worth. If we try to service this level without having taken care of our social needs first, that’s when small talk can take a dark turn into something superficial or devoid of meaning.
One reason we might jump a level is because of shyness, social anxiety, and to a lesser extent introversion. At esteem level four & self-actualization level five, we focus on the bigger topics in life we may normally talk about in conversation AFTER we have cleared small talk formalities.
Bypassing social level three puts you on a different wavelength to almost all new people you meet who are expecting to go through the small talk formalities with you, to feel you out and see if a connection is possible.
It's worth stating explicitly before moving on, that engaging in small talk doesn't mean sacrificing authenticity or depth. Instead, it empowers you to establish genuine connections by starting off on common ground before graduating to the bigger topics.
With so much hanging in the balance, let's suspend any mistrust or dislike of small talk as we use Maslows hierarchy of needs to determine if small talk is nothing more than just idle chit-chat, or whether its a powerful fuel helping us connect with others, build rapport, make friends, relationships, and create allies.
Scaling Mazlows hierarchy of needs with small talk
Yes, small talk has got its fingerprints all over Mazlows hierarchy. So, before we can crack the nut of small talk wide open and begin wielding it like Jedi masters at social events, lets understand what it's going to do for us first.
1. Physiological
At level one Mazlow places our physical needs such as for food, water, air etc. Okay so small talk can play a role in acquiring some of these things, but that's about it.
2. Safety/Security
At level two Mazlow talks about our need for security, such as financial, health, and shelter. Not much here for small talk to get its teeth into yet, but when Mazlow published his paper entitled "A Theory of Human Motivation" back in 1943 was he thinking about mental health as part of his health brief?
Today there is better appreciation for mental health, with research showing regular social interactions have an undeniably beneficial effect. By participating in these seemingly simple exchanges of small talk, we can combat feelings of loneliness while uplifting our overall mood.
3. Social needs
After securing our physical and security needs, Mazlow places belonging third, such as that for friendships, relationships, belonging to groups etc. All of which begin with small talk.
As human beings, we thrive on interacting with each other, and searching for a home in the company of new friends & kindred spirits. All driven by a craving for a sense of belonging. Engaging in light-hearted conversations through small talk sets the pace for fulfilling these core needs.
4. Esteem needs
At the fourth level of Mazlows hierarchy comes personal achievement, self-esteem, personal worth. If we try to service this level without having taken care of our social needs first, that’s when small talk can take a dark turn into something superficial or devoid of meaning.
One reason we might jump a level is because of shyness, social anxiety, and to a lesser extent introversion. At esteem level four & self-actualization level five, we focus on the bigger topics in life we may normally talk about in conversation AFTER we have cleared small talk formalities.
Bypassing social level three puts you on a different wavelength to almost all new people you meet who are expecting to go through the small talk formalities with you, to feel you out and see if a connection is possible.
It's worth stating explicitly before moving on, that engaging in small talk doesn't mean sacrificing authenticity or depth. Instead, it empowers you to establish genuine connections by starting off on common ground before graduating to the bigger topics.
Navigating Common Small Talk Topics
When it comes to small talk, having a repertoire of interesting safe topics is key to keeping the conversation flowing. Here are some common small talk topics & valuable tips on how to navigate them like a pro:
Weather: The weather is a timeless icebreaker that can instantly start a connection with anyone, especially if you're in the UK due to its unpredictability. Luckily the weather here does not get too extreme in either direction, how about where you come from? Oops, there i go making small talk with you, let's move on.
Hobbies and Interests: Delving into someone's hobbies is a great way to get beyond their work or school life. Show genuine curiosity by asking open questions like, "What do you enjoy doing outside work?"
Travel Experiences: Many people love sharing their travel adventures and dream destinations. If you were to ask, "Have you been on any exciting trips lately?" or "If money were no object, where in the world would you go?" These would cause anybody to access their happy places (metaphorically speaking)
Books/Movies/TV Shows: Discussing popular books, movies, or TV shows provides an easy entry point for connecting with others who share similar interests as yourself. Inquire if they've come across any good reads lately or if they have any movie recommendations.
Current Events: Be selective with this one at the small talk level. Choose neutral subjects that are unlikely to provoke strong feelings. Yes, this is why small talk can get a boring label, but remember, it's only a springboard to the next levels.
Steer clear of controversial topics such as politics, religion, or anything that may lead to heated debates or discomfort. Keep the focus on light-hearted enjoyable conversations - At least until you know the other person better.
Weather: The weather is a timeless icebreaker that can instantly start a connection with anyone, especially if you're in the UK due to its unpredictability. Luckily the weather here does not get too extreme in either direction, how about where you come from? Oops, there i go making small talk with you, let's move on.
Hobbies and Interests: Delving into someone's hobbies is a great way to get beyond their work or school life. Show genuine curiosity by asking open questions like, "What do you enjoy doing outside work?"
Travel Experiences: Many people love sharing their travel adventures and dream destinations. If you were to ask, "Have you been on any exciting trips lately?" or "If money were no object, where in the world would you go?" These would cause anybody to access their happy places (metaphorically speaking)
Books/Movies/TV Shows: Discussing popular books, movies, or TV shows provides an easy entry point for connecting with others who share similar interests as yourself. Inquire if they've come across any good reads lately or if they have any movie recommendations.
Current Events: Be selective with this one at the small talk level. Choose neutral subjects that are unlikely to provoke strong feelings. Yes, this is why small talk can get a boring label, but remember, it's only a springboard to the next levels.
Steer clear of controversial topics such as politics, religion, or anything that may lead to heated debates or discomfort. Keep the focus on light-hearted enjoyable conversations - At least until you know the other person better.
Overcoming Common Small Talk Challenges
Small talk can be daunting, especially for the shy or not naturally outgoing. What Mazlows hierarchy also revealed when we try to satisfy self-esteem through achievement rather than socialization, was why the mind can prejudice itself against small talk with phrases like 'I just want to talk about the bigger topics'.
So let's hit pause for a moment, mentally wipe the slates of our mind clear, put inner voice on mute (ah, if only) and look at a few common small talk hurdles.
Awkward Silences - Arm yourself with interesting conversation starters or captivating topics. Use open-ended questions to bring out more information from the other person.
Ending Conversations - Look for natural pauses to express your appreciation before mentioning you need to move on.
- Indirectly let them know you are ready to wrap up by adding a signifier like - just before we move on, tell me...'
- Directly let them know you are ready to wrap up with a valid reason like 'so many people to meet, so little time...'
Quiet or unresponsive people - There's a world of body language that is a whole topic for another article, but when looking for specific cues beyond the obvious, you can know in advance whether your approach would be welcome or not.
Once engaged stay positive, stay friendly, even if they seem disinterested. Throw out a few open-ended questions to encourage engagement. But above all, be socially intelligent and take the hint if they don't appear engaged. Now you can use the direct exit strategy.
Remember! every experience is a chance to learn and improve your small talk skills. Practice and patience will make navigating different scenarios easier.
Small Talk Hacks to Sharpen Your Interactions
1. Open-ended questions
Conversations are often initiated with closed, surface level questions based on some common element in the environment which could be a mutual friend, the weather, decor, food or drink, someone giving a presentation etc. Closed questions break the ice, now follow up with open-ended questions that encourage the other person to open up further.
Closed question: "Did you enjoy the presentation?"
Open question: "What part of the presentation did you find most useful?"
2. The Follow up
Asking an open question will usually produce some free information, now you have to do something with it. Supposing the social skills doctor had just given a presentation about the Multiversal Mind Method at a meetup group, now you turn to your neighbor and use our previous open question example -
What part of the presentation did you find most useful? Their reply: The section called Ten Topics in your Pocket and how to memorize them was very powerful.
If they don't open up any further, now you have an opening to explore further by asking what it was they found so powerful. They might tell you their mind often goes blank in conversation and how amazing it would be to never forget a topic again.
Conversation is now opening wider with different branches of discussion, and you still have in reserve the part of the presentation YOU found most interesting.
3. Active Listening.
This plays a crucial role in successful small talk because by focusing all your attention on other person, you are able to escape your own head and any anxiety thoughts you may be having over what to say next.
In our previous example your imaginary conversation partner used words like powerful, memorize, blank mind. These are three potential conversation iceberg tips which you might only pick up on if you were actively listening.
Now you are ready to dive in below the surface small talk and explore what lies beneath those iceberg tips - if you have genuine interest...
4. Conversation cards.
One effective way to improve your small talk is through practice and the safety net of conversation cards. These are essentially a pack of cards with different ice-breaker, thought-provoking, or open style questions printed on them.
Use them with friends or on a date taking turns asking each other questions that will feed the conversation and help you learn about each other.
In this article then, we have put small talk under the spotlight and taken a walk through Mazlows hierarchy of needs to see where small talk plays a key role. We have covered some common topics and how to use them, then delved in to some common small talk hurdles and how to leap them.
After all this, we brought it home with some key small talk hacks that will liberate your ability to navigate social settings, and hopefully give you a new perspective and some excitement to take your talk to the next level. Thank you.
Use them with friends or on a date taking turns asking each other questions that will feed the conversation and help you learn about each other.
In this article then, we have put small talk under the spotlight and taken a walk through Mazlows hierarchy of needs to see where small talk plays a key role. We have covered some common topics and how to use them, then delved in to some common small talk hurdles and how to leap them.
After all this, we brought it home with some key small talk hacks that will liberate your ability to navigate social settings, and hopefully give you a new perspective and some excitement to take your talk to the next level. Thank you.