Comparison: The Big Childhood lie
March 17, 2022
We all compare ourselves to others, and it starts earlier than you might realize. But does it do anything to help us?
Hi there! Come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hey there, come on in. You know, I am continually amazed at how many ways I feel and how many things I do that come almost directly from my experience of being a child. Things that never sort of saw the light of day to be re-translated or re-made into reasonable life as an adult. And these things also include things that are just sort of innate and biological that we bring along with us that impact our lives and we don't even know why.
So today I wanted to talk about one of those things. (Bear with me, I promise I'll get there.) And that is comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others. Do you do that? There's so many reasons and ways that we might. I wonder if women maybe do it more than men. I wonder if people of certain cultures do it more than people of other cultures. I really don't know. I wonder what you think. But for me, I was thinking about it. Like some of the ways I compare myself, I feel, like come directly from things I experienced as a really small child.
I'll tell you what I'm thinking. So when I came into this world, I was born into a family where I was 9.5 and almost 13 years younger than my next oldest siblings. So I was a lot smaller. And we have this tape, this little audio tape of me, and in it I'm talking, and I'm about three years old, and I'm being interviewed by this teenager who was a friend of the family's and staying at the house. And she was asking me all these questions, and I'm just sort of describing my life to her. And it's hilarious to listen to. And one of the things I say there is - I'm talking about how people seem to be just sort of flying past me all the time, how they're so busy and they're so kind of important to me. And of course they are important in my life. I'm three years old. I need all those grownups. But I'm also interpreting it like therefore, I'm nothing. In fact, my words are: I just do nothing all day. Well I'm three, you know? So here I am three year old, me comparing myself to 10 year olds and teenagers and grownups, my parents, and sort of taking the down stance like I'm not as good. I do nothing all day.
And oddly, in the same conversation, I go on to tell this young woman how, you know, a lot of my family, they're Ragamuffins. Now, why Ragamuffins was the word was probably just making it up on the spot, something I had heard somewhere. And that meant that they had brown hair. But the good news, according to my three-year-old self, was that my big brother and I we're not Ragamuffins, because we had hair made of blonde. And evidently in my three-year-old mind, that little comparison was important, made me a little more important, and was a good thing. And this was all in the same conversation.
So comparing, I think, probably begins so early. You know? I think it's based on one of our most innate biological needs and drives -which is to be part of the tribe, to be included, right, biologically, as a surviving species. You don't want to be that one that's left out in the cold, abandoned by the tribe, not fed and is eaten by the wolves. You don't want to be that baby. You want to be right in there in the center, beloved, held, fed and given resources. So biologically we pick up the the habit of comparing to make sure we're safe, right? To make sure we fit and we're okay. So there's that sort of natural capacity to do that.
And then like me, you know, depending on where you land as a human, as a little kid, you take on all kinds of meaning about, well, who is important and who is in and who is okay and what makes me lovable and special and what doesn't. Which is all fine. But if we never take a minute and look at the ways that we compare and where they came from and why we could be doing this for the rest of our lives and causing us ourselves a lot of anguish, really for nothing...
So how do you compare yourself, you know? Like when and to whom and when is it a problem? Some of the things that make it a problem are this idea that there is an ideal. There's a right way to be, right? Growing up, for me apparently the ideal, the right way to be in my family, was to be busy, to have some sense of importance, to be moving about, to be big, and to be blonde. I only had one of those things going for me at the time. But we all do this, and we're all told by different sources what is normal, what is perfect, what is right, what is consistent, what is desirable.
And I would say when we compare ourselves to others were just kind of espousing this lie. This lie. Is blond hair better? No. Is it better to be running about and be busy? No, not necessarily at all. Especially if you're a little child. You know, we get on a track of trying to be that which is valuable when we already are that which is valuable. Brene Brown has a quote from her the first book that comparison is the thief of happiness, right? And she goes on to talk about how, you know, anytime she was feeling good about something, then she'd start comparing it to what other people had or did and it would just, you know, take the joy right out of it. And that's true. Yeah? Iyanla Vanzant says that comparison is an act of violence against the self. Yeah, it forces us two espouse a lie, right? It forces us to accept that there is a better way to be exactly who we are by being like either someone else or some ideal that's been set up in our own minds or by society that isn't true. It simply isn't true.
Flowers aren't trying to be like each other. The maple tree is not trying to be like the oak tree, right? An elephant is not trying to be like a snake. It's not a thing, and it really isn't a thing for people either. Despite the fact that social media and television, movies forever, billboards, magazines, businesses, clothing companies, everything has been saying, look this way, talk this way be this way, do this thing, then you'll be fine.
All of this comparing creates in people, in me, a really deep abiding sense of anxiety, because you can never get it right, right? You can never get it right. And you're always going to be searching for an end goal that is not real. The end goal does not exist. I think about that poor woman, I don't know her name, who had every plastic surgery, trying to look like a Barbie, a Barbie Doll" and she really looked quite monstrous and I think was quite miserable. You know this idea that if I am something normal, something "perfect", then I can stop comparing myself.
So what can you do today to help yourself to take that moment and recognize, oh, oh my goodness! Where did I take on that? Being busy was so important? Or where did I take on that I wasn't or I should be like someone else? Or what is it about - What that person is showing me or doing that creates this feeling of insecurity or lack or less than in me? Is it something I want that is really within my life? Is it some part of me that I actually have that I'm just ignoring? Or is it just a lie? Is it just the next thing to look to, to perfect myself in some way? There's this place you can find inside yourself where you recognize you're just right. You're just right. If you're a parent and you loved becoming a parent, (that's not true for everyone and that is fine.) But if you did and you recall that moment when you first held your child and you just thought this is the most amazing being that ever was. That's the truth, not just for that baby, but for everyone. And and for you, that's the truth, right? Babies are amazing in their - just their being. Just the fact that we are, right?
Use your curiosity too. Imagine, where is my comparison coming from? How could I possibly have learned that I was supposed to be that image of someone else that I'm seeing? How could I possibly have learned that what comes out of me is not as good, and how can I help myself to calm down enough to be really loving and compassionate and accepting of my uniqueness, my sense of me. Every day when we do that, we become more comfortable, more alive, more present and more seriously ourselves. I'll see you soon. Don't forget to be who you are. Thanks bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
Hey there, come on in. You know, I am continually amazed at how many ways I feel and how many things I do that come almost directly from my experience of being a child. Things that never sort of saw the light of day to be re-translated or re-made into reasonable life as an adult. And these things also include things that are just sort of innate and biological that we bring along with us that impact our lives and we don't even know why.
So today I wanted to talk about one of those things. (Bear with me, I promise I'll get there.) And that is comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others. Do you do that? There's so many reasons and ways that we might. I wonder if women maybe do it more than men. I wonder if people of certain cultures do it more than people of other cultures. I really don't know. I wonder what you think. But for me, I was thinking about it. Like some of the ways I compare myself, I feel, like come directly from things I experienced as a really small child.
I'll tell you what I'm thinking. So when I came into this world, I was born into a family where I was 9.5 and almost 13 years younger than my next oldest siblings. So I was a lot smaller. And we have this tape, this little audio tape of me, and in it I'm talking, and I'm about three years old, and I'm being interviewed by this teenager who was a friend of the family's and staying at the house. And she was asking me all these questions, and I'm just sort of describing my life to her. And it's hilarious to listen to. And one of the things I say there is - I'm talking about how people seem to be just sort of flying past me all the time, how they're so busy and they're so kind of important to me. And of course they are important in my life. I'm three years old. I need all those grownups. But I'm also interpreting it like therefore, I'm nothing. In fact, my words are: I just do nothing all day. Well I'm three, you know? So here I am three year old, me comparing myself to 10 year olds and teenagers and grownups, my parents, and sort of taking the down stance like I'm not as good. I do nothing all day.
And oddly, in the same conversation, I go on to tell this young woman how, you know, a lot of my family, they're Ragamuffins. Now, why Ragamuffins was the word was probably just making it up on the spot, something I had heard somewhere. And that meant that they had brown hair. But the good news, according to my three-year-old self, was that my big brother and I we're not Ragamuffins, because we had hair made of blonde. And evidently in my three-year-old mind, that little comparison was important, made me a little more important, and was a good thing. And this was all in the same conversation.
So comparing, I think, probably begins so early. You know? I think it's based on one of our most innate biological needs and drives -which is to be part of the tribe, to be included, right, biologically, as a surviving species. You don't want to be that one that's left out in the cold, abandoned by the tribe, not fed and is eaten by the wolves. You don't want to be that baby. You want to be right in there in the center, beloved, held, fed and given resources. So biologically we pick up the the habit of comparing to make sure we're safe, right? To make sure we fit and we're okay. So there's that sort of natural capacity to do that.
And then like me, you know, depending on where you land as a human, as a little kid, you take on all kinds of meaning about, well, who is important and who is in and who is okay and what makes me lovable and special and what doesn't. Which is all fine. But if we never take a minute and look at the ways that we compare and where they came from and why we could be doing this for the rest of our lives and causing us ourselves a lot of anguish, really for nothing...
So how do you compare yourself, you know? Like when and to whom and when is it a problem? Some of the things that make it a problem are this idea that there is an ideal. There's a right way to be, right? Growing up, for me apparently the ideal, the right way to be in my family, was to be busy, to have some sense of importance, to be moving about, to be big, and to be blonde. I only had one of those things going for me at the time. But we all do this, and we're all told by different sources what is normal, what is perfect, what is right, what is consistent, what is desirable.
And I would say when we compare ourselves to others were just kind of espousing this lie. This lie. Is blond hair better? No. Is it better to be running about and be busy? No, not necessarily at all. Especially if you're a little child. You know, we get on a track of trying to be that which is valuable when we already are that which is valuable. Brene Brown has a quote from her the first book that comparison is the thief of happiness, right? And she goes on to talk about how, you know, anytime she was feeling good about something, then she'd start comparing it to what other people had or did and it would just, you know, take the joy right out of it. And that's true. Yeah? Iyanla Vanzant says that comparison is an act of violence against the self. Yeah, it forces us two espouse a lie, right? It forces us to accept that there is a better way to be exactly who we are by being like either someone else or some ideal that's been set up in our own minds or by society that isn't true. It simply isn't true.
Flowers aren't trying to be like each other. The maple tree is not trying to be like the oak tree, right? An elephant is not trying to be like a snake. It's not a thing, and it really isn't a thing for people either. Despite the fact that social media and television, movies forever, billboards, magazines, businesses, clothing companies, everything has been saying, look this way, talk this way be this way, do this thing, then you'll be fine.
All of this comparing creates in people, in me, a really deep abiding sense of anxiety, because you can never get it right, right? You can never get it right. And you're always going to be searching for an end goal that is not real. The end goal does not exist. I think about that poor woman, I don't know her name, who had every plastic surgery, trying to look like a Barbie, a Barbie Doll" and she really looked quite monstrous and I think was quite miserable. You know this idea that if I am something normal, something "perfect", then I can stop comparing myself.
So what can you do today to help yourself to take that moment and recognize, oh, oh my goodness! Where did I take on that? Being busy was so important? Or where did I take on that I wasn't or I should be like someone else? Or what is it about - What that person is showing me or doing that creates this feeling of insecurity or lack or less than in me? Is it something I want that is really within my life? Is it some part of me that I actually have that I'm just ignoring? Or is it just a lie? Is it just the next thing to look to, to perfect myself in some way? There's this place you can find inside yourself where you recognize you're just right. You're just right. If you're a parent and you loved becoming a parent, (that's not true for everyone and that is fine.) But if you did and you recall that moment when you first held your child and you just thought this is the most amazing being that ever was. That's the truth, not just for that baby, but for everyone. And and for you, that's the truth, right? Babies are amazing in their - just their being. Just the fact that we are, right?
Use your curiosity too. Imagine, where is my comparison coming from? How could I possibly have learned that I was supposed to be that image of someone else that I'm seeing? How could I possibly have learned that what comes out of me is not as good, and how can I help myself to calm down enough to be really loving and compassionate and accepting of my uniqueness, my sense of me. Every day when we do that, we become more comfortable, more alive, more present and more seriously ourselves. I'll see you soon. Don't forget to be who you are. Thanks bye.
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives.
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com.
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.