Finding Forging And Maintaining Friendships In Adulthood

Welcome to episode 4 of the social skills doctor podcast where todays topic is the 10 step template to finding and making friends as an adult - and keeping them. Not in a cupboard, just keeping them.

One of the primary challenges adults face when it comes to making friends is the inevitable changes that come with age. As we grow older, our lives become bloated with routine and responsibilities such as building careers, starting families, and managing various commitments. These demands often leave us with limited time and energy for socializing.

Furthermore, many adults already have well-established social circles from their school years or early careers. Breaking into these tight-knit groups may seem daunting at first glance. It's natural to feel like everyone else has their own exclusive league of companions while you're drifting solo for whatever reason.

However, it's crucial to recognize that nurturing strong social bonds is a key player for both mental and physical well-being. Countless studies have shown that having supportive friendships reduces stress levels, boosts self-esteem, enhances overall happiness, and even promotes longevity!

With this in mind, it's important to persevere and discover, or rediscover, the friend-making blueprint for any adults seeking new friendships - whether you've just moved to a new city, or you're just looking to refresh your friend network.

Uncovering Opportunities for Social Connection

Making friends as an adult may feel like being thrown back into the dating pool after a long-term relationship. In our younger years, friendships seemed to spring up almost by themselves through school or extracurricular activities where you had no choice but to spend time every single day in the company of perhaps thirty other kids your own age - regardless of whether you had anything in common with them.

In your adulthood you may be reduced to just your own company for long periods of time, or just that of your colleagues depending on your current circumstances. In adulthood then, to bring back some of that friend-making fairy dust, we have three ingredients to find - Company, Time, and Compatibility.

Armed with a proactive mindset then, will cover the three ingredients of

Company and where to find it. Think of this as the adult version of school where you can spend time and become a familiar face to others

Time for making contact and initiating first conversations. These are the adult substitutions for time because we have a lot less of it that we used to, and we need to take the initiative instead of leaving the formation of friendships to fate.

Compatibility because as children we are still mostly unmoulded lumps of clay waiting to discover our interests. But as adults our friendship opportunities are strongest when our interests are aligned.

Stage 1. Find and explore different social settings. Here are some ideas…

Immerse yourself in social events: Keep an eye out for local community gatherings, parties, or networking events that align with your interests. Apps like eventbrite can do all the legwork of this for you.
Join clubs and organizations: Consider becoming part of hobby-based groups such as book clubs, sports leagues, hiking groups, or volunteer organizations.
Enrol in classes or workshops: Take educational courses or workshops related to your hobbies or areas of interest. Engaging in hobbies not only brings personal fulfilment and new knowledge, but also exposes you to potential friends with similar passions, as does joining clubs, and going to events.
Harness online platforms: Utilize social media networks and online communities centered around shared interests. This guide is more about making friends in real life but that doesn't mean the virtual world can't provide a bridge leading to face-to-face meetups.

Did you know that the majority of people are just waiting for someone else to start a conversation with them? Not because they are princes or princesses, but because they are human, just like us, and they are anxious of making a poor impression, or disturbing someone who may not want to talk.

With certain caveats, don't hesitate to seize the initiative and be the one to strike up conversations with people. This puts you in the driving seat. If you're not used to leading conversations and the thought of it leaves you feeling anxious, then it may be time to read a book or take a conversation skills course to give yourself confidence and some new angles to work with.

First Meetings and Making Small Talk

The next stages of building lasting relationships cover mastering your small talk game. While many actively dislike small talk and others dismiss it as trivial or superficial, small talk actually provides a bridge between you and the other person. Without it you don't get to learn anything real about them, which in turn means you won't find out if you have anything in common to establish rapport with.

Without rapport you don't have the grounds for a friendship or relationship, and if you're in a sales or other business capacity, you probably won't have a sale either. Lets now move through the stages of friendship initiation and first conversation small talk:

Stage 2. Energy

Think of someone who is self-absorbed, always has a complaint, gossips about other people, seldom has a smile, and always seems to be a victim. Now think of someone who always has a ready smile, asks about your day, is energetic, talks in positive terms, and always elevates the energy levels in any group. Good energy is very important for creating a good first impression.

Stage 3. Curiosity

This step is an easy win if you're a cat, and for us humans it should also be an easy win unless you don't have much spare time, or you're anxious about how to escape a conversation. Which sadly for the adult variety is all too often the case, which means we may hold back from encouraging the other person to start talking too much.

All else being equal and you're not under time pressure, then are you doing all the talking? Because if you are then you're not doing any learning. Show genuine curiosity in the other person by asking open-ended questions that encourage them to share their thoughts and experiences. This will help them relax.

Stage 4. Active listening

There's nothing worse for a speaker in a conversation than when the other person is distracted or not interested or both. The lack of presence or awareness some people give off can be truly breath-taking, and it's hard to believe its not deliberate. For instance, starting a conversation with someone else while you are still mid-sentence.

As a listener, make sure you are focused on what the other person is saying, maintain eye contact, nod a few times to show you're listening, and the difference in conversational vibe will be night and day.

Stage 5. Finding shared interests

If you're a driver, rider, or cyclist, you'll know that on the uphills you or your vehicle have to work harder, on level ground its easier, and on a downhill you can coast or pick up a burst of speed. In conversations be on the look out for common interests like hobbies, experiences, travel, style, music etc.

Searching for these connections can feel like the uphills (or level ground if the other person is a good conversationalist), but when you do find a shared interest it can be like a sudden downhill burst of speed. Instant bonds can be created as the wind rushes through your hair, because you both know your minds are at the same frequency.

Stage 6. Sharing your own information

If you were to read a classic book like 'How to win friends and influence people', you would be left thinking that a great conversation consisted of you encouraging the other person to talk the whole time. That may have been fine a hundred years ago when the book was written, but today you must be willing to share your own information, thoughts, and opinions because a conversation has different levels.

Starting at the surface where you can begin by commenting on anything in your environment to initiate conversation, soon you can move on to the information sharing level, then the opinions level, and finally the feelings level. But! if the other person is sharing information and opinions but you are stuck at the surface level then they will not be able to connect with you.

Remember! connecting works both ways.

Stage 7. The follow up

If you have gone to the trouble of putting yourself into new environments to meet new people, and initiated the conversations, then the ball is still in your court to do a follow up. Arrange a second meetup based on any shared interests you established. Make the invite light and pressure free and put the ball in their court for accepting or declining. Two declines and it's a no go.

Stage 8. Stay connected

Regular communication is key when it comes to maintaining strong bonds with your friends. Whether it's through phone calls, text messages, video chats, or meeting up for coffee or lunch dates - make an effort to stay connected as frequently as your lifestyles and other commitments will allow for. By doing so, you're showing that you value their presence in your life.

Stage 9. Create memories

Plan activities or outings that both you and your friends enjoy on a regular basis. This could be anything from going on hikes, playing squash, taking cooking classes, having movie nights or poker nights etc. Engaging in shared activities not only creates memories but also keeps the bond active.

Stage 10. Support each other

Be there and show unwavering support for your friends during challenging times by offering a shoulder to lean on, an ear to bend, a lending hand to help whenever needed. Be empathetic towards their struggles and genuinely celebrate their successes.

Conclusion

Now these ten stages may make it feel like adult friendships are a LOT of work, but remember, in adulthood get togethers don’t have to be every other day, or even every week, they could be once a month if you are on the same wavelength as them.

And you don’t have to do all the organising, that can be a split responsibility. A strong friendship can drift then pick up again months later as long as it has a rich foundation of good memories.

In this episode then, we have covered the three friendship ingredients, and the ten stages of friendship starting with uncovering opportunities and venues for finding new friends. Making contact and the importance of using small talk effectively to find connections and build rapport in a first conversation. Then we moved into the later stages of strengthening a friendship and maintaining it through adulthood.

While many will tell you it's hard to make friends as an adult, it only is if you believe them or you genuinely don't have access to one or more of the three ingredients of company, time, and compatibility. It has been the job of this article then to show you how and where to get them. I hope it’s done a good job.

Thankyou and I look forward to catching up with you again on the next episode