Transcript: What to Do After Biting Your Tongue

Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, The Podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. Hello, come on in. Thanks for joining me today. So today on Seriouslyourself, I wanted to talk about biting your tongue. Have you ever used that expression: "I really should just bite my tongue here, because I was gonna say something that might get me in trouble later."?

I was talking to a wonderful guy the other day and he said, "Yeah, I just knew I should just bite my tongue. My wife was saying something that was kind of upsetting for me. So I I did, I just bit my tongue."

And I got to thinking about that. And I think it's probably a good thing in many cases, right? There are things we shouldn't say even if we're trying to show up more and be authentic and be real. But some things need a moment, we need some time to think about them.

I have a little vision of myself kind of with my tongue between my teeth like, "No, I'm not gonna say anything right now," but I think we could take it another step. You know, when we bite our tongue, we're sort of shutting off a part of us that maybe we know can get us in trouble, right? And I don't know, I'm gonna throw out the possibility that a lot of guys think they have to bite their tongue pretty often. Maybe they've been taught they're supposed to be the "good boy". Of course, women are always taught we're supposed to be "good girls", and that if you speak, you're gonna say it wrong, you're going to step in and hurt someone's feelings or get them angered at you. And so you bite your tongue. And what is the song? You know, if you bite your tongue, all you get is a mouth full of blood? Yeah, we don't want to do that, do we? We don't want to do that very often anyway.

So here's an idea the next time you feel like you're gonna need to bite your tongue.

So maybe you do. Maybe you keep what you wanted to say inside. I bet it would be helpful if you take a minute later and go home or grab your phone on your little notes section and write down what you really did want to say. Write it down. In this case it might be something like: Oh, I just really disagree with you when you're saying what you're saying. Or: I am so angry with you right now; I can't imagine what would come out of my mouth if I started talking to you! And let that part out on paper or in your phone -- not your...not your mail. Don't mail this to anyone or text it! This is just for you. Let that part on paper talk about it. "Here's what I was really thinking." "Here's what I want to say about it." "Here's where I want to argue back with you." Okay? Get it all out.

I think sometimes we hold this stuff, and we gather shame because we have these little hidden parts of us inside that never even see the light of day in our own psyche, (right?) our own mind. We want to shed a little light on this for ourselves. This part is speaking for a reason. And then you want to be able to go back to what you've written, take a deep breath, maybe a minute or a day even and look at it with loving eyes, with compassion, that this part of you had something to say. Now, stay out of the story of it. Don't join it and keep going, because, well, it's already a strong thing - enough to make you want to bite your tongue.

But if you can look at it and go: All right, is there merit? Is there merit in what this part was wanting to say? And you're probably gonna find some, because usually these strong parts we kind of agree with, right? We like them. Let it know: I like you. I agree with you. I think it's great that there's more to me. And you know there's more to you...

How do you know? Because you bit your tongue. That part had no ability to bite its own tongue. You were -- some part of you did that. So go ahead and celebrate that. Alright? I had another part of me that said, "Yeah, no, no, no! This could get me in trouble right now!" So you find the merits first and then ask the part that is so right and so certain to just step back, just for a minute. It doesn't have to step back in the outside world. It has to step back, just calmly knowing: Yeah, I agree with my own merits here. So that part could calm down a minute, long enough to go - "okay other places I know I needed to maintain myself," -- is their compassion for what the other person was saying or feeling? It's not exactly like looking for what was wrong with what you're saying, but maybe it's not the whole story, right? And then you can go ahead and write that down - like some part knew to stop you. Was it just because you were afraid you would get in trouble?

Can you take that a step further and know, "No, I actually also have compassion for what the other person was saying ... or who they are or what they were being... and I don't want to blow it."

"I don't want to ruin that that relationship."

"I care about them." So that's another good thing you can do.

You could also then take a minute; look at your first statements, all those arguments, all those things you said, and notice what is the core need of that part that you had to bite back. Does it have any needs? Sometimes those parts need to be seen. Sometimes they need to be held, given some loving care. Sometimes they need to hear that they have some good ideas. Sometimes they're hurt or carrying shame.

Does this make sense to you? So say, for example, a part that got bit back had an argument about, you know, "You're just making a bad decision here." (You want to say to the other person), "I disagree with your decision and it makes me angry that you would take that point of view."

And then when you go back, and you look at those words, and you realize that the sensation in your body is: Whew, I'm feeling hurt, right? I'm feeling left out, alone, maybe accused by this person that I care enough about to bite my tongue. So what's under that? Right? What's under that? Like if I'm feeling those strong feelings, what do I need from that person? Maybe I need to know that they actually love me. Maybe I need to know that though I might feel differently. They respect me too. Maybe I need to know that I have a voice with them, and if I can look and decide, okay what is it in my retort that I bit back that I actually do need to speak for in a way that the other person could hear. So maybe I can speak for it in a way that's just clear or calm. That's not shaming or blaming of the person that I was talking to.

Because though it sounds super clear. It's only clear for that one little part of us. And that one little part of us is trying to do something  - and that is probably defend or protect us. Well, why would it? Why would it need to defend or protect you? Here's a good question, yeah? It would need to defend and protect you because there's something under it ,inside you that a part of you is afraid will get hurt.

And so if you can look under... Oh! that part of me needs to know that the person I was talking to doesn't think I'm stupid or foolish. That part of me needs to know that other people that have said similar things to me, um, that hurt  - that I can help the part without saying a thing to the other person. So you see what I'm saying?

Really, when we bite our tongue, that's Step 1 - maybe a very good decision in the moment, depending, right? Might preserve a relationship. Might keep you from further shame. Might help you to just bide time, just give you time to process what's happening inside you, right? But that's only the first step.

The rest of the steps belong to you. And honestly, they can be so much fun. You can even play with them! If you can find a sense of humor about what this part really wanted to say, and then step back from it, enjoy the humor, and then go: Okay, wait a minute! Whoa, alright.. I wanted to say, "Well, you're just a big dumb idiot, and that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!" And people do this, by the way, on social media all the time when they don't bite their tongue - and it can be hilarious! But, it doesn't go very far with your spouse, your children, your parents, your loved ones, your friends. Right? Your boss -  (it) doesn't work so well. 

There's about a million ways to go after you start looking inside.  You have many, many choices rather than just biting your tongue and walking away or hollering and yelling and getting in trouble. 

Where have you caught yourself biting your tongue lately? Think about who most creates that sensation in you. Imagine them in front of you and then do some of this writing work, feeling work, using your great curiosity in doing so. You'll be better able to speak for the parts of you that are inside to help them personally, and to really show up more. 

I hope you've enjoyed today's talk and let me know what you think. Are you biting your tongue? .

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. 

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And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.