Can You Overcome Shyness? (The Five Biggest Shyness Questions Answered)

If you're young you may be wondering if girls like shy guys, or how you can overcome being shy. As you grow a little older you begin wondering if shyness will ever go away with age.

 

As a person approaching his fiftieth birthday, I've lived all these questions and concerns about shyness and social anxiety. I'm going to give you the answers straight, but here's the catch, they come from my real experiences of shyness, not from studies, theories, zero-order correlations, longitudinal predictions of parent-rated shyness, teacher-rated shyness etc.

 

In order to answer your questions and concerns on this matter meaningfully and without any distracting study variables, I'm going to do it through the context of a personal story.

 

For me, life began as a very outgoing and somewhat rebellious child. No shy behaviours here!!! I often played the class clown and got lots of laughs, as well as invitations to visit the headmaster. Oops. But underlying it all was something darker. Something about me that the other children didn't understand or relate to.

 

By age twelve I was becoming much more self-aware of that undefinable difference as it built transparent wall between me and my peers, brick by self-consuming brick. A wall that no amount of clowning around could knock down.

 

At age fourteen I had no social skills, and an extreme shyness that meant talking to girls felt like the equivalent of bench pressing an A380 Airbus.

 

My parents had just moved us from the north of England to the south, where my northern accent stood out in my new school like an angry goat in an upper class tea shop. That was unfortunate because I had just developed a crush on a girl that would change everything.

 

For her part, she must have been aware of my interest in her, although it was not down to me actually telling her. A million stolen glances must have been a big clue though. Or perhaps it was the card I gave her with a picture of a lion on it and the words - 'I would be lion if I said I didn't love you...'

 

I know! I know! You don't need to tell me. But for her part, she tolerated, and maybe even basked in my teenage adoration without ever encouraging it. Then one day, things took a very surprising turn.

 

After finishing my morning paper round early one morning, I found myself arriving at school an hour early. And there she was, leaning against a lamp post outside the school, cutting a lonely figure as she waited for it to open.

 

My heartbeat raced. It's easy to avoid direct conversation, or be a silent listener, when others are doing all the talking. Now it was just me and her and no way of avoiding some interaction.

 

I parked my bike up and, with adrenaline laden legs, I approached her and made a greeting. The winds of time deny me remembering what I actually said, but I can assure you of this dear reader, it didn't go much beyond a basic 'Hi'.

 

So there we stood in seemingly companionable silence, until other kids began trickling along, and the school gradually wound into life. But that was not to be the end of this story...

 

Out of curiosity, the next morning, I did my thirty minute cycle to school, ensuring I again arrived an hour early, just to see if she would be there. She was. A beautiful mystery-shrouded model with the sleeves of her royal blue uniform jumper pushed up to her shoulders to expose the full length white sleeves of her school shirt beneath.

 

 

Cue heart-fluttering degrees of anxiety, and an instant brain fog as I joined her at the lamp post once more. That was how close I was to this sapphire jewel. The girl I imagined spending the rest of my life with. The girl I could not speak to or even look at directly. Not least because we were back to back.

And so the scene was set for the next two years, come rain or shine, summer or winter of the years 1986 to 1988. One hour in her exclusive company every morning when time and tide would suspend itself for us. Nobody else, no smart phones, no conversation, just us...

 

I could have talked to her about anything. About the paper round I did before arriving each morning, and how I had to use my bike as a barrier against a dozen devil dogs, blood thirsty for the flesh of a paper boy, and no adults around to tell them no.

 

I could have told her a million anecdotes about myself, such as the morning I got run over while walking to junior school one day, and me trying to get up and carry on going to the shock of the car driver.

 

I could have told her about the day I arrived at that same school to find a crowd of kids waiting for me. Only to discover my older brother had arrived earlier and told everyone I had shaven off all my hair.

 

I should have asked many questions about her, and why she always turned up an hour early to school. I know why I did, but not why she did. Did she have problems at home? There was a little child shyness about her, but nothing in my league. Neither was she withdrawn or unhappy that I could tell. But then I never asked.

 

I never asked what her plans and dreams were for the future. I didn't ask any of the questions you ask somebody you want to learn all about. The most surprising part was that she didn't stop turning up early now that she wasn't alone anymore.

 

These are the kind of regrets of a shy person. Lifelong regrets for letting that special person get away. For the moments and opportunities you don't take advantage of, and have those conversations. All because of a temporary fear of embarrassment.

 

 

I carried her picture in my wallet for the next five years after leaving school and home at sixteen. Through a five-year journey into alcoholism, drugs, and bad company. But there she still was, like some distant guardian angel, until another girl drifted into my life for a short time and removed her picture from my wallet.

 

It took another five years for me to fully waste that ten year period of life that most people will consider there best. That time when you're young and schooling is just finished. Your commitments and responsibilities are few or none. The world is at your feet and anything seems possible. 

 

Ten years to hit rock bottom before I found a new journey of self-development, and so began the fight back. So here's my answers to some of the questions you may have about your own shyness concerns and regrets...

Question 1: Is being shy attractive?

 

Answer: 80% No.

 

While some will find your shyness to be a charming element of your personality, it can't be the whole package.

 

If it is, you are likely to find yourself in the friend zone, or in an unbalanced relationship. One where your partner has all the power, and you feel more like a pet that can be quarantined, or given away any you become inconvenient.

 

Whether you are a boy or a girl, your potential future partners will always be more attracted to confidence than shyness. Deep in the ancient instinctive part of our brains (the part where the fight or flight response lives), we all know that a confident partner will be more of an asset to our chances of survival and success, than a shy partner.

 

Question 2: Are we born shy?

Answer: 80% No.

 

This question implies that if we are, then there is nothing we can do about our shyness. So, you are either asking because you want to know if you can change your life, or you are looking for a lifelong excuse.

 

In other words, you are looking to absolve yourself of responsibility when opportunities are wasted. I hope you are asking for the former reason, because the answer is no. 

 

No, you weren't born with shyness, you didn't even become self-aware until the age of around one.

 

Some will dispute this, and there may well be markers in your DNA that make it more challenging for you to be outgoing. Or you may just be a natural introvert. But ultimately, it's your environment, your role models, and your peers that influenced how your shyness behaviours developed.

 

 

Question 3: Does shyness go away with age?

Answer: No.

 

Shyness does not go away with age, it simply becomes your behavioural furniture. In other words, you just get so used to living your life a certain way, at some point you stop trying, and make it your comfort zone.

 

You accept this is who you are, this is the way things are, these are my limitations. Whether that's an acceptable outcome for you is a personal choice. But you're still with me which means you are still up for the fightback, and I’m happy about that.

 

 

Some however, will insist there's nothing wrong with being shy. Just as some overweight people will say that's just fine too. But both these things come with restrictions, whether that's on your health or on your life opportunities.

 

And to be clear, I am only against accepting those restrictions that are in our power to reduce, or remove entirely.

 

 

Question 4: Can you overcome being shy?

Answer: 80% Yes.

 

At this moment in time, it may feel like shyness is so much a part of who you are, that to be any other way would be impossible. So, if shyness doesn't go away naturally over time, the next natural question is - then how?

 

You can of course try faking it til you make it, but if you ever tried that approach, you will know you are only lying to yourself.

 

If your shyness is fairly mild, then just getting out there and talking more (just like your friends are always telling you to do) may help. But you're not listening to me because you have a mild case...

 

I have spent more than twenty years pushing the boundaries of self-development, and creating the tools to remove them. So while my answer is a resounding yes, you can overcome shyness (or more accurately), take charge of it, you will likely still have 20% residual shyness in your personality - and that's more than okay.

 

 

Question 5: What is the difference between shyness and social anxiety?

 

Before asking any of these previous questions, do you know for sure that you are shy? The line, or distinction, is often blurred between introversion, shyness, and social anxiety.

 

It's easy to think you were born shy, and therefore there's nothing you can do about it. But actually, you may simply be an introvert who can function happily and comfortably without the need for the attention, or approval, of others.

 

Shyness defines itself more clearly from introversion with varying intensities of self-consciousness, and an impulse to avoid attention or embarrassment.

 

The line again blurs between shyness and social anxiety. The latter comes with bigger teeth and a wider variety of behavioural triggers, the further along the scale you go.

 

If you are not sure where you lie between shyness and social anxiety, then in the simplest terms, if you are driven to avoid attention by being quiet in company, then you are shy. If you are driven to avoid company and social interactions, as well as the attention, then you may have social anxiety.

 

You can take a very simple three-question test known as the Mini SPIN (Social Phobia Inventory) assessment developed by Dr. Jonathan Davidson of Duke University. 

The Mini-SPIN is generally used by doctors as a 'first step' screening process for social anxiety disorder

Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode. To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the mental health masterplan, the small talk masterkeys program, or to try the mini SPIN screener, visit www.lifeconfident.com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.