Debbie Mechley - Lessons from the Twilight Phase

Good morning. And welcome to Green Tea Conversations, a radio show that delves into the pages of Natural Awakenings magazine. To bring you the local experts who share progressive ideas and the latest information and insights needed so you can lead your best life. I'm your host, Candi Broeffle, publisher of the Twin Cities edition of Natural Awakenings magazine, and I am honored to bring these experts to you. Today's guest is Debbie Mechley, a Master Certified Health in Spiritual Wellness coach and founder of Trust Your Vision Coaching Programs. Debbie is a motivational speaker, workshop facilitator, and has most recently served as a spiritual care advisor for Hospice, supporting patients, families, and educating on the end-of-life journey.

 

She is an author of several books, including the soon-to-be-released Regret Free Living. The latest book is inspired by her work as a death Doula in Hospice and parallels that present themselves as we search for meaning, purpose, and our passion, which she calls the secret sauce of living. Thank you for being with us today, Debbie.

 

I'm delighted. Thanks for having me.

 

It is so good to have you in the studio. And the first thing I need to ask you is, what is a Death Doula?

 

Death Doula is a coach of sorts for the dying. In ancient times. They were called Anam Cara in the Celtic Times, and that was the sole friend of the dying who met all of their physical, emotional, social, spiritual needs. So the families could be with them, just be with them. Now we've become Death Doulas, and it's essentially the same thing, helping people move through a lot of things, not just a physical part that's typically the clinical staff is doing that, but it's a very spiritual experience, leaving and birthing out of this world. There's a lot going on.

 

There is. And I'm so impressed. And when I met you and you and I have talked quite extensively about the work that you did, but an adult foster care provider, my husband and I have done that for 28 years. We have had Hospice come into our home on a number of occasions, including they are in our home right now with one of our clients who is transitioning. And it's such a benefit to the family members, to the people who love, the people who you're caring for. And just to have people there who can help you kind of walk through that process.

 

And I'm sure for people who are in the dying process themselves, they have a lot of questions. They have a lot of maybe things that they want to talk about that maybe they don't want to burden their families with.

 

Yeah. And sometimes if a burden is the feeling, but other times they're too close, there's too much history. And so when someone from the outside comes in as the observer, there is no history, there's no judgment, there's no past conversations or angsty. And so people are more easily to open up and talk about the things that are heavy on their heart or the things they may not have shared with someone else all along.

 

What are some of the things that you found? Has there been, like, a pattern or things that commonly come up with people.

 

You know, relationships, so much so and forgiveness. It's interesting. We think of people who are leaving this world and that they hold on hope. It's the hope. It's the hope and hope. Studies show that only 8% of people are holding on hope. 58% are concerned with forgiveness of another asking for forgiveness, forgiveness of their own self. So typically it's those kinds of things that come up. And, of course, when somebody is getting ready to leave or at the end of life, the dynamics and families rise, emotions rise.

 

And people have this sense of urgency, the must get something that are done or they don't know how to do it, and they're afraid it's never going to get done. And so it's helping people move through all the aspects, not just the physical changes, but this spiritual place that we're at. Because I talk about this in my book that we die very much the way we have lived. And if we're holding on to this stuff, it's there. It's going to be there with us at the end.

 

And so helping people move through that, if they've not moved through it, because there's not a lot of time left and, frankly, energy, life pro life, energy that's there to move through that kind of thing.

 

So what have you seen? People who I mean, I'm sure you have. So let me say that's a different way. So you've seen people who have had really powerful impactful, death moments, death process, where they're able to release a lot of things or be able to connect on a level that maybe they hadn't prior or even just strengthen an already strong relationship. And then I'm sure you've seen on the other side, too, where they haven't been able to do that. What do you think? Is the difference?

 

What do you think? Is the difference in is it personality? Is that.

 

What I have to say about that is that it is such an incredible experience. It's enlightenment. And so what I've seen happen is people have so much fear of death, whether it be pain or leaving or the unknown, what they've been taught, which is ingrained them in cost fear as well. When we get there, what I've seen happen that is so powerful is that a lot of that drift away because the real truth of the whole experience is unfolding itself for that person. And oftentimes people who are standing there, the family members, don't want to believe some things that could be happening, you know, like, where are we going?

 

Is it going to be bad? Is going to be good. And when you're inside of the beauty of all that, you realize it's only good. It's only good. But there you know are some everyone you know we transform. We change forms. So everyone transforms. But when you not only change form and leave, but the way you leave transforms and leave something behind for the family that they can carry on to the next death and the next legacy for their children to say, wow, that was something I'm really honored to have been a part of that.

 

Yes.

 

And every one of the deaths have been a part of over 1000 people to the other side of the veil has been an honor, real honor.

 

Yes. I haven't been with it nearly as many as you have, but it has always been an honor one. Yeah. It's just a credibly spiritual experience. And I always I always leave the situation thinking, wow, what an honor it was for me to be with this person during this time and how thankful I am for that. You really take all of these experiences that you've had with the people who you've worked with in Hospice, and it really helped to kind of transform your own coaching on the coaching that you do today with people.

 

How did you take that? What were some of the Nuggets that you learned?

 

Well, what I realized is that the dying are such incredible teachers of a living and that there were so many grants. And even though some of them seemed small on the outside, when you carry that, you embody that it becomes so deep. And so many people carry these things with them that could have been let go sooner in our living. And so as I watched that and move through that, I saw these cycles of regrets that we create by choice. It's what we call suffering as a choice.

 

Most suffering is. And it really influenced me to think about with each of these people what could have been a little bit different a year before this happened. Two years, 50 years.

 

I was going to say 40 years, right. I have been different.

 

And that so many of those are either conversations or ones that can't be had, whether journaling. But what I found is that we all are connected. We're all interconnected. And I've always known that. But we all desire to be happy. We're all searching for happiness in our living. We're not trying to find it at the end because it'll automatically be there if we do it differently. And what I call the gap of all things, which is the gap of living, it's this path that we're in the middle of on one side's birth and the other is birthing out or dying. And what are we doing in the middle here in this middle lane.

 

The gap of all things

 

Yeah. Gap of all things like that.

 

And so it's during those times that the regrets kind of build-up, that maybe stay with us at the end. And you're saying, how can we so in your coaching that you do with people. You're helping them to learn how they can change that during that gap of all things right now.

 

Getting clear on that. How do we get clear on that? And then these things that we see as obstacles, let's acknowledge them and name them and move in and through them so that we get the desired outcome that we want is just hanging out there frivolously in the air, and we never quite get there.

 

What were some of the, like, common regrets that you saw at the end with people?

 

One was, I didn't do what I really wanted to do. I didn't express myself creatively the way I wanted to. I said there are a lot of elderly people. And so for women, you just did what everybody did. Typically married young, you had children, cared for the home, the children, all of that. That didn't mean you didn't have desires. You didn't have talents, dreams, and so resentments, oftentimes resentments of the roles they played and took on that didn't serve them the way that they had wished. And then when you have all this time to think in your older age, you start thinking about the things you wish you had done, whether it be travel or opening up that dress shop or just doing something different.

 

The things that held us back and the fears that we didn't face.

 

Right? Exactly.

 

Isn't that interesting? Well, for people who want to learn more about the work that you do, what is your website?

 

It is trustyourvision.wordpress.com

 

or they can call you at 952-381-5342.

 

When we come back, we're going to talk with Debbie. We're going to continue talking with Debbie about the four mainstays that will help us to live a life without regret. You're listening to Green Tea conversations on Am 950, the progressive voice of Minnesota. And we will be right back.

[00:44:00.740] - Candi Broeffle, Host

Welcome back to Green Tea Conversations, where we delve into the pages of Natural Awakenings magazine and talk to the professionals who share their expertise on natural health with you. I'm your host, Candi Broeffle, and today I'm talking to Debbie Mechley, a health and spiritual wellness coach and author of Regret Free Living, a soon to be released book that is based on her work as a death duel, and that helps us in our search for finding our meaning, purpose, and passion. So just before the break, Debbie, you were telling us about, we've gone through the first three of four mainstays in helping us to live a life without regret.

 

And the fourth one is called hopes, dreams and desires.

 

You know, hope is powerful little word. You know, it's non tangible. What does it mean to us? I mean, typically we are either in hopefulness or hopelessness. There's not much in between, and we go back and forth from that. I think it's kind of a dance of feeling what hopefulness feels like and what hopelessness feels like and attaching that to relationships and bonds and belonging and forgiveness. And so I think that it's it's good to realize that you move in and out of that. And that's part of evolving once we become aware that I can go into this condition or I can go into the experience and be inspired back and forth.

 

And the dreams, what are our dreams asking ourselves periodically, what is my day dream? What is my big dream? What am I living it? And if I'm not, how can I be? What what are the steps I could take? How can I unfold it so that I don't have it to be a regret, that it doesn't end up being that I just didn't do my dream? Well, we all have more than one dream. I got to get

 

at least one of them out in there. Right?

 

I believe,

 

And, of course, the desires I teach my clients in coaching. They'll always hear me say the word desire more than I hear me say the word want. As if you think about it. I want that. I want that. I want that wanting. The more we want will get the experience of wanting. And it's kind of an empty place to be. But if you actually and you can do this if you're driving in your car right now, I desire that new relationship. I really desire that new position.

 

I desire to be in business for myself. You will get boost bumps. God, bumps. I mean, the word itself has feeling to it, and we know that everything starts with the thought, and the feeling that goes behind it is how we actually create it. So I encourage you to get really connected with the desire. And what is the desired outcome that you're looking for and get an alignment with it? Get attached to that and know what's driving you to be there. And you'll get every desired outcome that you ever put in front of you.

 

That's so beautiful. So the four main stages that you have now, these are are things that you use every day in your coaching as well. And I understand you do have a couple of spots available for coaching. So a couple of openings that you've recently had. And so what is it that I know you have a great tagline for your coaching?

 

Empowering women to bring their dream lives into reality? No regrets.

 

Oh, I love that. I love that helping people to really helping women to really be able to live a life without regret and to be able to fulfill the dreams that they have. And you can help them to do that. So how would somebody engage you in a coaching? How do you determine if it's a good fit for you and for that?

 

Well, I do a 45-minutes to 60 minutes to about an hour discovery session, and during that time, it's a series of questions to help you get very clear on what it is you want. Sometimes we think we know what we want, but when we really fully get a little bit deeper, we're like, oh, there's more to it than that. And then the obstacles, what are they and how we can acknowledge them and move to the other side of them. We can't go around them. We've got to go through them and to get to where we want to be and determining what is that voice, which I call the critter brain that's talking, talking to you, telling you that you're not good enough or big enough.

 

There's not enough money or too old, too young. Oh, don't do that. Come back in the comfort zone. Understanding what that is. I call her. She I actually encourage my clients to name her and have a new kind of conversation to calm her down so that you can go on to that next best thing. That next step that is, the discovery session is complimentary.

 

I'm just going to say wow that's sounds really powerful. So, and it's complimentary.

 

Yeah, absolutely.

And they can engage you. How where do they go?

 

They can go to my website and email me through the website for discovery session.

And the website is trustyourvision.coaching.com.

Correct.

 

Or they can call you.

 

Call me that would be great. Call me would be great.

 

I'll call you. They should call me.

 

 They can call me. But I'm not going to be able to help with a bunch of that.

 

I'll take that referral, Candi.

 

And your phone number is

 

952-381-5342.

 

Okay, great. Now you also do motivational speaking.

 

Yeah. I've been talking a lot now about the book, but I've done a lot of talks from health and wellness to death as my advisor. Very intriguing talk to regret-free living. So I love going out and speaking about what's going to be coming out in this book. Living better as a guy post in something that we all of all ages need to look at, even kids in College looking at. How am I going to do this? I know when I do it.

 

How am I going to create this? So in order to be able to engage you in a speaking engagement or they want to take part in one of the events that you have coming up again, they can go to your website, trustyourvisioncoaching.com. Before we leave. I really want to we only have a couple of minutes left, but I really want to talk a minute about one of the books that you have that is currently available called Giving Space, A Daughter's Memoirs. What can you tell us about that?

 

When my mom was dying, she died young. She was 73, and I was grateful, really, for my childhood. And I was the oldest of four. And so there are a lot of things that I remembered that my siblings didn't remember. So I started writing this book, and I was kind of in a hurry to write the book because I wanted my mom to still be able to hear me read it to her and understand it before too far down the road of her trip, as she called it, The Giving Space.

 

I finished the book, and I had no name for it. And for years I had a dream of this place called The Giving Space, where people could come. It was a retreat where they could come and be who they were and experienced themselves in the highest place. And so I was sitting there, and all of a sudden I realized my mother was the Getting space all along. And so that's what I named the book. And it's really just a beautiful compilation of funny things. My mom was funny funny funny.

 

Your memoirs?

 

Yeah. My memoirs

 

Well, Debbie, thank you so much for being with us today. And again to contact Debbie, you can call her at 952-381-5342. Thank you for joining our conversation today, as we awaken to Natural Health, to read the online edition of Natural Awakenings magazine, or to check out our complete online calendar of events, visit NaturalTwinCities.com. You can find a podcast to the show on Am 950Radio.com or Apple and Google Podcast. Thank you for joining our conversation today. You've been listening to Green Tea conversations on Am 950, the Progressive Voice of Minnesota. And I am wishing for you a lovely day!