Dating Kinky
Dom VS. Domme: What's the difference?
April 11, 2022
It's not just masculine dominance and feminine dominance. Unnecessary gendering is not all that comes with the domme label, is it?
Dom, short for dominant. 

A domme is the fem version. Some pronounce it "dom," some "dom-may."

I identify as a dom or dominant. I don't feel like there needs to be a gendered word for who I am. That doesn't stop people gendering me. Which is fine. I am, after all, a woman, and I'm pretty open and clear about that. 

But the gendering is not all that comes with the domme label, is it? Not in my experience, anyway. 

A short piece from 2015 was recently necro'd on FetLife, "I Call Bullshit." Wherein I note the pretty prevalent opinion that floats around the internet that TWOO DOM-MAYS don't have sex. 

Which seems in stark contrast to Doms, who not only have sex and grow their power by doing so, but also have SO MUCH SEX that there are warning posters made (wrote about those, too, in 2014). Here's a quote from the one that was circulating the internet at the time:

> Would you still want to be a Dominant, even if it meant that there would be absolutely no sex involved? If you honestly can’t separate being Dominant from the sexual aspects of the lifestyle, then perhaps your reasons for wanting to be a Dominant are just a tad superficial.” —Michael Malai

Which I think is just as much bullshit as the idea that dommes must be sexless creating to DO IT RITE. 


So, the tropes:

**Masculine dominants:** Sex is part of their power, may want sex too much, so it becomes abusive, predatory. 

**Feminine dominants:** Withholding sex is part of their power, in fact, not having sex at all is their true dominance. 

How TF do people get these ideas? 


I actually know the answer to that. 

But let's dig into them a bit. Because, well, this goes deeper. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here.


Links to previous writings mentioned: