The Jay Allen Show on Safety FM
Boundaries
October 27, 2020
Today on The Jay Allen Show, it's just Jay and you talking about the difficult conversation of boundaries. Sit back and hear the doctor talk here, somewhere in between a mini and a full episode on today's Jay Allen Show.
Today on The Jay Allen Show, it's just Jay and you talking about the difficult conversation of boundaries. Sit back and hear the doctor talk here, somewhere in between a mini and a full episode on today's Jay Allen Show.



This show is brought to you by Safety FM speaking hello and welcome to the J. Allen Show. I hope everything is going good and well inside of your neck of the woods. I know it's been a some interesting times over the last little bit, exactly what we have going on in safety FM. What's going on across the world and all kinds of fun stuff for sure. So I have to tell you today, it's on Lee gonna be you and I We're probably gonna sit back for a moment and go. Is this a mini or is this somewhere between a mini and a full episode? And I think we're gonna be somewhere inside of there. Eso I've been looking, I've been talking, I've been doing all kinds of different stuff, and I know we've been covering a lot of interesting things right here on safety FM. We were talking about our pay at Ford program last episode, and then we were talking on Friday about some other things about depression and so on. But, you know, as we have the conversations, I wanna keep the conversations as riel and close to real time is possible. I will tell you this is currently Monday afternoon on the 26 as we're doing this recording. And yes, I'm going to tell you this is a recording of this particular episode. We're not doing it live on the radio station, and I know that normally I complain a lot about us doing it live on the radio station that that's the way that it should be. But this one, I think, had a different flair to it. So let me stop caring to talking about what this is going to be. And let's just talk about what I have on my mind as we're having this discussion. We talk a lot about the things that are going on inside of the world of safety, and we talk about some of the things that apply to the world of safety, and then sometimes we take a look on the outside. But how far do you set certain things? How far do you set boundaries on what goes on? And maybe that's something to talk about today, and maybe it's a different approach than some, but maybe it's not. And let's talk about it. A lot of the stuff that you and I do for work is really conversations and relationship building some of the best safety people that I know no safety. But they know how to establish relationships with people through conversation. But how far are you willing to take the conversation? What level puts a boundary in place? So let's talk about that for a moment. You're having a conversation with someone at work. Something comes up where they make a personal twist into the conversation. And we could be in that weird spot for a moment where we talk about disciplinary actions inside of a workplace, which most of us talk about about how the safety person should probably not be involved in that. But let's say in that rare instance, during the conversation, you are involved in that portion of the conversation of being a disciplinarian. So how does that work all of a sudden? The twist, the personal twist comes into it. All of a sudden, I'm running into X issue because I'm having this ex personal issue at work. At one point, do you have the line that marks the limits of the area? The dividing line not saying using it an excuse, but what are you using as guidelines? I mean, do you have a personal boundary when you're at work, you know, guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates. So identify reasonable and safe premises, ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. Because I think that sometimes we allow our nature of being human, having an effect to what happens inside of organizations. Not that there should not be a happy mix of both. But let's say, for instance, you're having a conversation with someone and they tell you that they're failing at work because they have X personal relationship issue at home. How does the conversation change? What do you look at now? Does this change everything for you? Or is there a boundary in place that lets you limit that? Now it's a weird conversation as we talk about it. Let's just be realistic here, because what you're gonna run into is this weird thing of where do you set the limit? Yes, we all need to be humans. Don't take it the wrong way. But at what point do Ugo Okay, I understand acts but we need to move on with this. Have you thought about a moment already that has been similar to this. Have you thought about a scenario where this has already happened to you? Don't get me wrong. Things do happen inside of a work scenario. But things also happened where people just make stuff up because they don't wanna be in quote unquote trouble. I'm not saying the latter happens. It's frequent is some might say, but it does happen. So how do you look at this? How do you set boundaries inside of your workplace when it comes to that? Is there truly a limit, or do you just move forward with the things? Where do you carry out that particular conversation? Now keep in mind that we are talking here today, but it's going to be virtually impossible for me to say This is what you need to think of because that's not the conversation that you and I should be having. In every scenario, you have to be adaptable, and that's the thing. There's not one blanket thing that can cover everything, just not the reality of the world that we live in. But how do you look at that. How do you look? And dio Okay, this is how this is going toe work. What is the boundary for that one? Now let's talk about you. You as the individual that has now sent a boundary because of X happening at work. What boundaries do you have when it comes to your home life? Do you have X boundaries with your wife, your husband, your spouse, your significant other? Are those boundaries different than the ones that you have with the people from work? What boundaries do you have with your Children? How do those look? So now we're talking about your immediate family. So what happens with boundaries from people that don't live with you? That are not your immediate family? Your brother, your sister, your parents, all people that are not living There is their boundaries for them. How did those boundaries look now I have to tell you sometimes those portions of the conversation to become very interesting. Do you set boundaries for these people all across the board? Because let's be realistic when it comes to Children in particular. You have boundaries because you are the adult. You are the parent Sometimes people get confused with the friendship aspect of parents and Children. But there's boundaries for the most part. So what does the boundary look like? So now let's play the reverse angle here. What does the boundary look like now with your parents? And I think that sometimes we tend to forget about these things about what the boundaries should look like, or we don't have an established boundary. Don't get me wrong. When it comes to certain people of my family. I will do everything possible to help them. And I'm not saying that shouldn't be the case. I'm saying, At what point do you feel like you're being quote unquote taking advantage of because there hasn't been a boundary or a limit set in place? I could tell you a story if you're quite interested, but it all depends if you're interested. I know of people that are elderly and still take care of their Children who are in their forties and fifties and what I mean, take care. I mean everything that you could physically imagine about that. They stay at their house, they feed them, they clothe them, and there's nothing wrong with the people they just choose to be well, let's say quote unquote lazy. They opt to have their parents take care of them, stories that I've seen for years. But how does that work? How is there not a boundary set in place for them? Because you know how it goes. Let's just be realistic. People will push the line as far as they can that be at work, that be it, personal life, that be it, whatever. It is a difficult conversation because it's not that you don't care or love the person. I really want the better things in life for them, but it becomes difficult. You don't want to see anybody suffer. At least most people that I know don't want other people to suffer. But how do you have that conversation? How do you set a boundary or a limit? The problem that we run into is a society is that a lot of people will take advantage of people's kindness. It's an unfortunate thing, but it does happen. I'm not saying that everybody is like that, so let's just make sure that we're clear reminds me of a song that I used to hear a long time ago. I used to do a little, but the little wouldn't do it to. The little got more and more, and that's how things sometimes occur. There might be a strange ask. You do it, you assist you help and then the next asked becomes stranger as I'm talking about this particular family, that ideo it still takes care of their kids with in the forties and fifties. They even hand their kids money as these couple is retired and I don't get it. I don't think I'm going across the line here as I talk about it. But definitely there was not a boundary of hardline put in place. And maybe that's where it gets a little strange. If it no points, Do you actually set up boundaries within the relationship of whoever you're having a relationship with, it could become extremely difficult. Let's be realistic, too. Our relationship, you and I. Right now we have boundaries. You have me in some kind of a player. Were you opt to come and listen to what I have to say or you opt, Not Thio. You and I have set boundaries. I on my side have said a recording that I give to you depending on what you listen. Thio, too 27 times a week, and we share this information and I share my point of view with you and I'm I'm sure even though I try to be as honest as possible, I am sure there's some limitations. Some boundaries that I don't go past as I do these recordings because on how you and I are establishing a relationship problem is that when you care for someone, it becomes more difficult to be able to do that. It becomes more difficult when they're your bloodline. When there's someone you interact with day in and day out, can you set the boundary? You can love and respect someone but still put a boundary in place. I hear a lot about this where people that are suffered by being mistreated in relationships because they did not know how to set boundaries, they did not understand how to be treated as a human. They did not understand how to be loved, and it's difficult. I'm not saying this is easy. This was an easy conversation. We would have it all the time. We're several years into this show, and this is the first time we're talking about it. You and I together now that this conversation is not had on a day in and day out basis. But this is the conversation where you're behind the door and you go, How do I do this? I even have this conversation behind closed doors, and that's what we look at because it's not easy. But boundaries need to be put in place. Friendships, personal relationships, work, relationships. I mean, I will tell you there are people that I have known in my work career that will not share anything about their personal life because people don't want them to know the things that they do in their personal life. And that's their choice. And I'm not saying that's how you have to be, But I'm saying it's something to think about, like I have friends that will not tell anyone how much money they make, and that's their choice. You don't have to do that because of the fear of people saying I want to borrow money and it becomes very strange and I'm not saying don't lend people money, so that's that's not what I'm saying. That's your choice of course, but it becomes so weird in a strange conversation. Where do you set the boundaries? What is the limitations to X y Z relationship? I have to tell you, there is this great book that is available online, and this is not a pitch for a book, So I understand that. But it's called Boundaries. It is by Dr Hendrik Greek Cloud in Dr John Town instead. Now this book is reference quite a bit on the Dave of Ramsey show. And if you do listen to my show, you know I talk about Dave all the time because I think it's great. But you have to take this book and look at it and highlight the things that you think that are important because it's easy when your life is out of control for you, not you Think about these things, so you have to look at it is go. Is your life out of control? Do people take advantage of you? Do you have trouble saying no? And are you disappointed with yourself when you tell people? No, because I know people like that. They can't be the no say Er's. I had a friend that did a challenge for a whole year where he was telling everybody, Yes, I have a lady that I'm interacting with this year that her and I started doing some business, and she's telling me that she's telling everybody yes, and it becomes extremely difficult. And it's not that you want to disappoint people. It's Where do you set the boundary? It's a difficult conversation, but it's something that you have to think about. Well, you don't have thio. I would recommend strongly you should think about. At the end of the day. You have to understand the difference positions between some relationships and other relationships. Some relationships are not friendships. They're acquaintances. Some people don't like saying that, but it's the truth. Some people just want to be there to see what they can learn from you and move forward. That happens with some, not with everybody, but what is your limitations? What is your boundary like? I'll tell you, I have people that I interact with, and they seem to be here because they wanna hang out, find out what we're doing next. That's cool. That's fine. Certain things I will share, but they get frustrated if I don't share what's behind the curtain, sometimes behind the curtain. I'm not even sure if we're done cooking it up. So where's your limitations in your relationships? And do you put boundaries on the things that are important in your life? Or is your life an open book? Are you willing to share it all because then what happens if there is no boundary? Then what happens when somebody wants to take advantage of you? Because let's be realistic. It will happen at some point if it hasn't happened already. But then what do you dio? How do you change that going forward? And if you're big into saying yes and you don't want to disappoint people, what happens when somebody hasn't asked for you that will put you beyond your limits? Will you be willing to say yes? And this is why I say there needs to be boundaries. Just something that's been on my mind as of late. Definitely wanted to have a conversation about it. If you want more information about the book, I would say you can find it. It's called Boundaries I, Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Town Stead. It's really available pretty much everywhere online and recommend probably getting it on Amazon because that's what we used around here. Anyways, I've been your safety manager and host Jay Allen until the next time. Be safe. The views and opinions expressed on this podcast are those of the host and its guests and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the company. Examples of analysis discussed within this podcast are only examples. They should not be utilized in the real world as the only solution available, as they are based only on very limited and dated open source information. Assumptions made within this analysis are not reflective of the position of the company. No part of this podcast, maybe reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means mechanical Elektronik recording or otherwise, without prior written commission of the creator of the podcast, Jay Allen. One more J. Allen show. Dfm dot com