Hi. This is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the next episode.

This episode will sort of be a continuation on from the previous one where I spoke about perception, the way we see things, because I was thinking recently about a workshop that I did a few years ago. There was a gentleman that attended, and it was all weekend one. So two and a half days and this gentleman was having trouble with his boss. And I was talking about how to deal with conflict.

He said that his boss had approached him with this job that he had promised would be done by a certain time. His boss was very angry, and this guy didn't know how to respond. So I said to him, "This is how we're going to do it. We're going to do some role playing". I said, "I'm going to pretend to be you and you're going to pretend to be your boss".

Now he's given me absolutely minimal information. Basically; I've just said that his boss came up a job that was promised at a certain time and it wasn't ready. So he comes in and he got into the role playing and he was all "Ah, you said this job would be done by three o'clock ra, ra, ra" and he was doing all the aggression and everything like this, and it was if it wasn't such a serious situation, I would have found it hilarious because he did such a wonderful job anyway, right?

I turned around so that I was facing him, because the first thing you want to do is when you're dealing with someone who's annoyed, like an employer, you want to be facing them, not necessarily directly face to face. It's a little confrontational turn slightly to the side. So you're just turn your head a little bit, so your body is just a little bit away, and what you do is you say something like this, "I can see that you're upset, the customers here to pick up his job that I promised for three o'clock, you're here feeling this isn't very professional, this isn't going to look good for my customer. If it doesn't look good for him and we don't give him the job that at the time that we said we would, he may go elsewhere and you will lose money, which means you're going to lose money, which means you're going to struggle to pay us, which means we're going to be stressed, so everyone is going to be stressed, so it doesn't look very professional and that's what you're concerned about, is the professionalism of this company. I promised you it by a certain time. I felt I could have it ready. I was obviously wrong. I apologise. I'll get this done as quickly as I can, even if it means I've got to work through my lunch break. Is that okay with you?"

Now straight away. What I've done is I've acknowledged that he's annoyed. I've acknowledged what could be a potential reason for him being annoyed. I've pointed out where it went wrong and I've offered to protect a potential solution. What this will do is because he's acknowledged he doesn't need to keep going with the bruff and the bravado and being annoyed because I've acknowledged that I screwed up.

Then he doesn't have to have a go at me and because I've given a solution and asked if it's acceptable, all he has to do then is say "Yeah, that's cool" and he walks off. So this role play I did with this guy. I turned and said basically something to that effect. They weren't the exact words. Obviously, I can't remember from what 3 or 4 years ago? And he looked at me and he goes, "Wow, all right, I wish I knew how to do that".

That is something that we really need to understand how to do, so if our boss or whoever comes up and they're annoyed, we flip our perception. We look at it from their point of view. So rather than getting defensive, which is our usual response, of we get defensive. When someone comes in with something they're annoyed at, we feel we've got to justify or explain, or something like that would basically go into defence mode. It makes dealing with this situation so much harder because it then becomes very combative.

If you break their state by acknowledging them, giving them acknowledgement that where you've gone wrong and then giving a solution, that breaks their state because they don't expect it that way. It also means you've pre-framed him for the next time he comes up, so the next time that happens he will understand that you're comfortable acknowledging how he feels. You're comfortable acknowledging that you've screwed up and you're comfortable offering a potential solution, which is something that all bosses want.

They want people that can think on their feet, regardless of what the situation is. That means that the next time he comes up like I've said, he'll have been pre-framed or reframed. I should say as to how the situation is going to go. So next time he comes up, he goes, "You said that job would be ready. What's going on?" And you go, "Oh, this happened and I did that and I didn't prioritise. I should have. I apologise. I'll get into it now do it as quick as I can".

He walks off this less stress, less aggro. Everyone feels better. Everyone's feeling a little more professional and also the next time he can walk up to you and say, "OK, you've said this will be ready by three. Is that a pretty likely timeline?" and you'll go "Yeah, I'm confident I can get it done by then" and he will be cool. So it's changing their perception, reframing how they deal with the situation and how they approach you and what happens afterwards.

 So if you each time you have that same reaction, he knows that's your level of professionalism. So it's not where you put the blame on yourself. You just acknowledge where it's gone wrong, all right, and acknowledged what you can own about it. So it's a very powerful way of dealing with things, and you can use this in, like I said, not just with your boss. You can use it with your partners, family, friends. Anyone basically.

You acknowledge how they're upset, why they're upset, what you contributed to it. In other words, they don't need to blame you because you're willing to say, Well, I did this and this, you know, it's all cool, and then you give a solution also, then they learn that they can trust you. They get more respect for you. It increases so many things and decreases a lot of the shitty parts. So that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Today is just that dealing with someone who's pissed off, like a boss. Now, some people, it may take a few attempts. I had a boss years ago. I was doing night shift and I went home in the morning knowing I'd taken too long to do this particular job. I knew it had taken too long. When I came in the next night, the boss comes up and he's like, "Oh, you took too long on that job" and I'm like, "I know, I know, Frank, I'm pissed off as well" and he started, and kept going, and I have to say it again. "Yes, Frank. I know it took too long. I'm pissed off as well". And again, he kept going, and I had to say, "Frank, I know! I'm pissed off as well". And then he went, "Okay, I got it". And he stopped yelling because he understood there was no point yelling at me because I already knew it took too long. He didn't have to try and explain or justify or anything because I've already done it. I said I knew, took me a long time, I'm annoyed as well. So he realised it was pointless to keep going.

I never had that situation again because he knew I was willing to acknowledge things and I was willing to try and find some sort of solution. So dealing with any conflict, there are three simple steps.

Acknowledge their situation so they can see you understand how they feel and why.

Acknowledge what you contributed, so it's owning what you're responsible for not taking it all on, but just saying it happened because I did this, end of story, so you don't have to fawn and carry on its This is what I did. I promised it. I didn't prioritise whatever.

That's the situation. This is the solution.

Give those three steps ago and you'll deal with conflicts so much better. Whether it's your boss, partner, family, friends, whoever doesn't matter. But doing those three steps will make a big difference. And one of the things we definitely can do without at work is our boss being annoyed. It's never a fun thing, So that's it for this episode.

 Relatively quick, relatively simple, but very powerful. Hope you've enjoyed it. Feel free to send us any feedback. Let us know how it's helped you. There's a link in the show notes where you can send us a quick ninety second voice message. So feel free to let me know how you go, because I love hearing feedback about people's results and I like to hear your responses and your results, look after yourselves and remember, here's your good life

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Thanks for listening.