Making my career a part of my life and not my life with Misty Moreno
December 4, 2020
You spend more hours at work than almost anywhere in life so how do you make work a part of your life but NOT your life (and still be successful)?
In this session, join us as we talk with Misty about her military transition journey and steps she learned along the way to create boundaries while still supporting her family.
You spend more hours at work than almost anywhere in life so how do you make work a part of your life but NOT your life (and still be successful)?
In this session, join us as we talk with Misty about her military transition journey and steps she learned along the way to create boundaries while still supporting her family.
Be kind to our bot, as he does have some troubles transcribing country accents.
[00:00:02] spk_1: Welcome to unapologetically bold. I'm not sorry for if you are a person that is tired of apologizing for being you, you know the human part of you that sometimes feels like it has to be different at home versus work versus play, Theo. Human side that just wants to be hot, humble, open and transparent about your wants, desires and uniqueness. If you answered yes, this podcast is for you. Join me, Emily Elrod as I dive into conversations with Amazing Guest about what you're not sorry for and creative and loving ways. Let's get started. I am blessed today to have this see on here with us. Thank you so much for joining us today
[00:00:55] spk_0: Are problems super excited?
[00:00:57] spk_1: Awesome missing before we get into what you're not sorry for. Tell us about yourself.
[00:01:03] spk_0: All right, Well, I'm Misty Marino and I'm 42 years old and I often stay my age because it's relevant to my testimony and I'm married and we've been married for 15 years and we have a 13 year old boy and my husband and I actually just retired from the Air Force. We both retired from the Air Force on 1 September, and we both served 20 years. My husband served 20 years exactly, and I served 20 years in five months, and we currently reside in South Carolina, and we both started our new jobs. My husband is blessed that he gets to be a stay at home husband and father. And I work at a tire manufacturing plant here in Sumpter, South Carolina. As a human resource is business partner, and my son is starting his seventh grade year at a new private school. And we're just excited for this next stage of our of our lives. We call it our What's Next After the military, I
[00:01:57] spk_1: love it and thank you first off for your service that in itself a big deal. But with that, there's been a lot of changes, especially in the past week. With that, it flows into what you're not sorry for, so let's just get into it, Misty, what are you not apologizing for anymore? I
[00:02:22] spk_0: am not sorry for making my career a part of my life and not my life, so I joined the military when I was 20 and 21 years old. And almost immediately when I joined, I experienced rapid success. So I always won awards and was promoted ahead of my peers and was nominated and selected for special projects and opportunities and not really continued for about 13 years. I was known as the go to person, and I really, really likes that reputation, and leaders relied on me to get the job done. They didn't care about how I got it done. They just knew that I was going to get it done. So I was very well liked from the top, and I drived on that. But unfortunately, you know, as you progress in your career, something gives. And I took the service before self core value of the Air Force 100% literal, and I put my career first and I put myself last and I put my family on the back burner and unfortunately for a very long time my husband, my son, received sloppy seconds for me, but I didn't really, You know, I hate to say it, but it didn't really matter to me because I was doing so well. My career and I was getting promoted and with that came raises and money. And so I felt like I was doing my part, you know, to help our family. And throughout 13 years of my career, I just kind of went on that pattern and was always the go to person, and my family definitely suffered. But I didn't listen loud enough, and I've received the best performance evils that anyone could get in the Air Force, and I was very used to that. But then one day I worked for a commander and a new boss. And I always say that I met my match because she wasn't drinking the Kool Aid that people drink for about 13 years, and she definitely honored that I would get things done. But she didn't like how I got it done, and she gave me several chances and formally counseled me and informally counseled me about just being a good person. And she wanted me to get the job done, but be a pretty good human being while I did it, too. But I never, never really follow suit because I just felt like it didn't matter. I'm I'm a woman to you for I'm gonna get the job done. If it's getting done, you shouldn't worry about how it's getting done. And so she said, OK, if you're not gonna listen, then I'm gonna go ahead and make you listen. And she did just that. So at 13 years in, I was a master sergeant in the Air Force, which pretty above average usually people make it in about 15 years. Make that rank. She gave me my first performance, evil. That was not best of the best. In fact, it was a performance evil that was almost unheard of in the Air Force at that time. And she sat me down and said that there is no doubt that you could run circles around every single one of your peers, But you are pretty crappy human being, And I need you to be a good human being while also being a good airman. And she said those two things shouldn't be separate. And so immediately that rocked my world was no longer getting this, you know, satisfaction from work. In fact, I was no longer getting awards, not getting promoted. It wasn't nominated or selected for special projects and opportunities, and I was actually seen as a liability. So once that evil when went public and like I said, it was pretty unheard off to get a new evil like that. All of a sudden, my reputation changed and I felt like I had nothing. Um, and I You know, if I were to be honest, I actually really didn't because I had treated my family with such disrespect that, you know, when I needed them the most, they were like, Hey, we needed you the most for the last 13 years. So I hit it pretty, pretty low point and then I had a moment. I call it my WTF moment where I was kind of sitting in my car and I was like, Dude, you're contemplating, you know, suicide. At the time, I was so upset over a performance evil of work. So I kind of had the common sense to, like snap out of it. And that moment I did. I did just that. I called a mental health counselor and said, I'm having these feelings. They're not normal. And I need to get help. And yeah, Seven years later, I have made my career a part of my life and not my life and my husband and I are the strongest that we've ever been. And I have a great relationship with my son. And it was all because I, you know, definitely dedicated myself to some counseling. And he taught me to do things. And those three things have led me to where I'm at right now. Just making my career a part of my life and not my life. Oh,
[00:07:24] spk_1: there's so, so much in that. Oh, there's so many things I want to pull out. The first thing that comes to my mind, which I think is also interesting, is that this week is actually Suicide Awareness Week and that so many people see people that thrive and try and go above and beyond and not know their story. You are speaking about out about things that people need thio here about and how you noticed that it wasn't normal. It wasn't right and the mate and I talk about my counselor. She is a God given gift and I love her. I e everybody should e but that's me like I haven't been at that low 0.2 because they're like what? You're so happy and that's what people. They look atyou or the little bit that I know about you. Like you're always happy. You're always going. But there's always that part that people don't see that side. So one I want to commend you on speaking out and speaking up and then to I told you before we went on that you're one of the most emotionally intelligent people that I am getting to know more like you just have I'm very good at reading people. And you're emotionally intelligent. I can. This story even tells me more Why? Because not many people will talk about their career path and say, Hey, like, I've met my match. And in essence, it was something that you needed, you know?
[00:08:56] spk_0: Yeah. Yeah, I spent a lot of time. I will, you know, totally transparent. I spent a lot of time hating her, and I even pray to God and told God, like I'm sorry, but I'm not. I know I should forgive her, but I don't. I actually thought that she was wrong for what she did, but I say her name all the time. You know, at the time she was Lieutenant Colonel Marcia Allen, but she's retired. Now, Marcia Allene is by far the one person in my life ahead of anyone. I mean, obviously accept Jesus. But the one person ahead of my life that had the bold leadership and the audacity. And I'm so glad she did to stop me in my tracks and say, Hey, um, I need you to be a good human, like I don't care if you're a good airman. I need you to be a good human being. And because she did that, she helped me put my family first. Put myself first in, you know, just kind of change everything up, do everything different. And still to this day, she I thank her all the time. We went a long time without talking, but I I text message her every now and then and just kind of give her my annual thank you for, you know, knocking the ego out of me. Um, every marriage anniversary, I say a little prayer, Um, for her and she I think she knows how important she is in my life, but I think the people around me are surprised that she's that important because of the strife that you know, I said that she caused. But essentially it was me because she was not wrong and everything that she was saying she was not wrong. Yeah, I overheard. I mean, essentially over my life, right?
[00:10:43] spk_1: I love that. And I think that's the point that I want to go on here, too. Is that the leadership aspect of it as a leader stopping people and because I let him have such a frustration with it so many times people are like it's work versus life instead of bringing it together. And now being a true leader can should impact both. So let's let's drive into that for a minute. What are some things that you have learned in this journey about embracing? I called the synergy between the both of work and life and how they are needed instead of get the job done any way possible.
[00:11:26] spk_0: Yes, so I give all the credit to my counselor, but these three things that he taught me to do so the first thing was to find my purpose and my definition of six desk. So he told me, just kind of like what you just said, You know, working life have to be harmonized. So he called, called it harmony and not necessarily work life balance. Right. But they do need to go together because you're at work. Probably more than your at home. Um, so I defined my purpose, and I defined my definition of success. So once I did those two things. So my purpose is just to develop better human beings with my actions and my definition of success has everything to do with how I feel no matter with, no matter what is going on around me, so I call it kind of emotional success. And I know I don't mean I'm not gonna I'm gonna curse just because it matters, but not bad. But like essentially, what he said was your definition of success is not being shitty in the shit storm. And I write. And so I thought I have carried that with me for the last seven years because you see, like that it hit the fan, right? People unravel. But my definition of success is not Thio unravel, you know, and I've I've watched it in my current company where, you know, I had in my department where my department hasn't unraveled because of Cove it, you know? But then I look at some other you know, businesses around me, um, that have unraveled. So the first thing he did was tell me Thio define my purpose and define my definition of success. Because if I do those two things, then no matter where I am and no matter what I'm doing, I can still develop better people. And I can still be emotionally seeing right. And then the second thing was, I actually got a life, if that makes sense. So my life revolved around work and I loved working. So I needed to get a life that I wanted to go home. Thio and not, you know, it sounds terrible that my husband and my son were enough. But let's just be honest, right? It just it's not always enough. So for me, I needed to have my own hobbies and my own things that I like to do. So I I love reading. I took up reading. I also love to write, and I did a lot of like personal assistant work for people where I wrote a lot of their copy for, you know, for Facebook and Instagram and Boggs and stuff. So I got a life. And then the third thing that I did in order to help me make my career part of my life and not my life was and the Air Force we always talk about. You have your Air Force family. Well, that's all good. But you're forced. Family thinks alike, you know, they feel the same, and they're all under the same pressure. So when you go to them for opinions and perspectives, they kind of all have the same opinions and perspectives. So I developed a different family. I had a gym family. I had a church family. I had a community family. So doing those three things really helps me bridge the gap between work and family and and learn like a balanced life and family or or make them harmonize each other. Mm
[00:14:41] spk_1: Oh, there's so many things a little on that one, too. So, first, I love how you point about your purpose, and what we call it is is finding your values or basically making lens or filters that you can choose to do things. It makes life easier in essence. And then to get alive. I'm a workaholic. My father's a workaholic. My mother, um, she has always put her life in tow. Her fans are us, my brothers and myself, but she's still a workaholic. And so, watching that my whole life, it has been difficult for me, especially owning my own business, to step out, you know, and put some of the carriers and not trying to overwork and make sure that I'm abandoning my family at times. So I love that you talk about that because it is so true, and I and I am blessed to get to talk to executives. And that's the one thing I always say is that at the end of the day, you don't talk about the emails that you sent. You talk about the memories you made, and they're typically with your family or your loved ones, and you can't talk about your successes. But that success comes with people, and I love that. What you talked about even earlier is the part of you realize that you weren't being the best human that you could be. And now it's your purpose and how that tragedy has turned into a trauma triumph. And so, like your message, turn into a message. All that has just been amazing. So I absolutely adore you and I adore your honest for that. So for people that are hearing this and they're like, Wow, that sounds like me I'm slightly getting a pause right now and I don't know what to do in life. What would you tell them? What advice would you invite them to possibly grasp onto to bring some of self awareness of who they are at this moment, to see if it's where they actually want to be?
[00:16:42] spk_0: Oh, that's a loaded question. It's such a good question. So every Monday I do this religiously. I've done it for a while again. I learned it from my counselor, but I always ask myself, Is it working? Is what you're currently doing working And it could be is eating five packs of Eminem's working for you. I did that yesterday. Um, it's not working, but or, you know, is staying toe work 8 p.m. Working for you. Is it benefiting? Your whole life is, you know, planning these outrageous get togethers with your family. Is that working for you where you're stressed out or you're going broke or whatever So I always ask myself, Is it working? And then if you say no, then you have to say, How will I change? How will I changed and and so I was ready at the point where I was sitting in my car contemplating suicide to change. And I contribute that to being resilient because the Air Force teaches you to be resilient. And I had to be for 13 years in the military. So I will say that I probably had a leg up because I had so much education on kind of what Thio identify. You know, I'm going down the wrong path. I need some help. So I would say, Start with Is it working? Yes or no? And if it's if you are not happy with your life, but you're probably gonna have to define what your definition of success is, you know, my definition of success no longer deals with the awards that I win my promotion or the money like we were just talking about my job offer, and that doesn't define success for me. So what defines success for me is feeling good when I have to stay till eight PM because I'm HR right in HR always has to stay or or you know, or whatever it is. But you have to kind of ask yourself isn't working. And if it's not, then what are you going to do about it? You know? And I also want to say if it's okay, Emily, but there's too hard fax that come with this. So making your career a part of your life and not your life is not easy. And so the two biggest fax one and this is people really need I call it like a come to Jesus meeting, right? What you're doing is not normal, so people are not going to receive it well, and you have to realize that so most people who have work life, balance or work, life, harmony or whatever you wanna call it are labeled lazy, not dedicated and not all in right. You're not in because I I am sure that you you hear this from the executives people who come in early. I mean, I'm sorry. People who come in on time leave on time, maybe not go to every company picnic or whatever they're labeled. Not all in. And unfortunately, that's a reputation that could follow you. Right. So the first hard truth is that what you're doing is not normal. People are not balanced. Most people are not balanced. So you're gonna have to realize that it may not be well received and then the second hard fact is, if you want to keep this level of balance, you may not progress. You know, in the company, people may not want to promote you on DSO You have to kind of get really satisfied with where you're currently. Yet my co worker and I have this conversation all the time because our next steps, you know, in the company would be maybe eventually to be in hr manager or whatever. And we both kind of say to ourselves like, Is that Is that the life that we want? You know, Do we want that? And so for people who are in this kind of like middle of the roads trying to figure out, you know, I know something needs to change. I would ask yourself like, is it working and then kind of set a plan, but know that it may not be well received and you may not go as far as maybe you think you want to go. But that kind of starts with defining your definition of success. I told my husband all the time, If I don't make another dollar in this current job and I don't go any further, I am 100% okay. You know, I took my uniform off for a reason, and that reason is to be able to be home by six PM every night to read with my son. So we read every night together a six, and that is my reason. So if if I stay a human resource is business partner for the next 20 something years, as long as I get to be home with my son and read, I'm good with that. Oh,
[00:21:10] spk_1: I love that. And I think that's another thing that leaders should note onto that you need to create environments where this is normal. It's a slow shift that's a part of our model that works be is to be that that it is the normal, because if we're gonna preach it, we actually have to live by it. And that makes me think of one of our teammates. She was overwhelmed. Absolutely overwhelmed and I told her, Take off two weeks like just go take your time off because here's the thing. If you have people working and stressed out environments, you're paying them to do nothing. Yeah, that's so true. Your shot clock. You're learning centers of your brain. You cannot be innovative if you cannot grow. You cannot get to the potential in the level that you want to be at because you're stressed. So you're literally as leaders you pay if you care about money. The R O on it is no really great Return on investment on it, So let them have breathing room. Let them have a break and understand that this time may be very traumatic for some. Check on your people. Write them hand written cards. There's so many things that you could do as a leader to make a new normal, which is a goal of mine and mission. Is that living a wise life in creating wise work, that people can progress because they care about people? And that's the thing that I love. That you have noted and started from beginning is that it's all about being a better human and in that process, How much it has helped Because you're the HR world. HR is all about human to human interaction.
[00:22:51] spk_0: Yeah, I wanted to share, you know, no disrespect to the Air Force and no disrespect to any of my leaders. Um, it's you accept a certain matter of dedication to, you know, to the military once you progress in rank, and it's like the, you know, I mean, you literally, I swear to defend the Constitution of the United States. And you're saying that you're okay with dying for your country. So obviously there's a level of dedication there that is necessary. Um, but I took my uniform off for a reason in order to have a choice. And where I currently work there, there so much, so much. What's the word? Just so many people advocating for work, life balance. So my co worker we had yesterday off and on, like Thursday or Friday last week. I was like, Hey, is does anyone coming in or you guys gonna work from home for the holiday? You know, because I'm just not used to having labor day off, I guess. Or maybe I'd have it off, but I work from home, and she's like, No, you're not coming in. No one's working from home and it's like she gathered everybody to make sure she's pretty senior like there. So she gathered everyone to make sure like I'm going on the boat. Were with everyone. Okay, no one's coming in, right? Eso There's people around me all the time advocating work, life balance and then a great thing that my boss did the other day. And I respected him so much when he did this, We missed each other all day. We needed to talk, you know, two week to one another for something. But we missed each other all day. So I left and I was just sitting down. I got home and I was just sitting down to eat dinner with my family and he calls, and I was like, Of course, he would call right now, right? No, no, just just back to him. But it always happens that way. So I picked up the phone. He said, Hey, Misty, Are you home? I said, yes, sir. I'm home and he said, Okay. Talk to you tomorrow. Have a good day, hangs up. And I was like, it happens, you know, And I just had so much respect for him, and then my husband was right beside me and he was like, Wow, I was like, Yeah, I don't even know what to do right now And then we spend all dinner talking about it was still so. I'm very, very blessed where I met. I mean, we have seasons, obviously, in our career where you know, work, life balance doesn't happen. But I have people around me all day. My coworkers are absolutely amazing all day, advocating work, life balance. And so they model what they expect and I get to see it, and it's such an example. And he's, you know, he's the HR manager. He's that, you know, in any he's certainly probably not home eating dinner at 5 30 but he's making sure his team is. That's That's a pretty bold leader right there. I
[00:25:41] spk_1: love that, and that's true, and that's that's the thing that I love is this shift that is happening. I call it a shift towards humanity and that will are starting to actually start humor to care about humans and understand how we're design and that we need this collaboration. But we also hope connection with our families but also with our work and that we do not have to be a versus that we can actually have both. So Well, I
[00:26:07] spk_0: was gonna say real quick, like people will say, and I hear it all the time. All the world is going soft. We're going soft. Nope. Not going soft. We're just getting back to the golden rule. Uh huh. Right. We're not going. We're getting back to the golden rule. And people are not used to treating people with the same level of respect that they want to be treated with. That we think we're going soft. E
[00:26:30] spk_1: think that's a beautiful point, because now and it's that shift from profits to people you know, And again, what you're saying, it's I don't think it's a soft. I think it is actually boldness if you want to actually being told to say, Hey, we need to be better and we can be better and it actually help our margins in the long run. So her final question for you Okay. Anybody apologizing, you hear them say, I am sorry for making my career my life. What would you say to the other?
[00:27:04] spk_0: Yeah. First, I would probably ask. Like, are you happy? Isn't working because there are some people that you know you Do you If if that If that's what makes you happy. You know, there's people that choose intentionally not to get married and not have kids because they love to work. Hey, if that's you, you do you, If you're truly happy, truly happy, then you do you. But if you're not happy, you know you're gonna have to redefine your definition of success. And then you'll have to get a life, get something that you look forward to when you get home. Like I can't wait to get home and watch like the next Netflix show. When I say, get a life I'm not asking you to, like go paddleboarding every weekend. Like you know, I nap and snack on Saturdays. I call them my nap and snack days and I nap. I snack. I watch Netflix like that's getting a life, and then lastly, get a family outside of your job like, yeah, you have the people that you can turn to you in your job. Get a work family. I mean a gin family or a church family or someone else that can give you some different opinions and perspectives. Because if you're asking the people that all think alike, you're probably not going to get you know what you need. So e, I will say it's simple to do. But it's not easy to do to make your career part of your life and not your life, you know, and it's not well received. So you're gonna have to kind of figure out what you're okay with. And I'm okay with never making another dollar again. You know more than what I make now and never progressing because you know that your family is forever. Your job's not, and I almost lost my family. I I felt that, you know, we were almost a divorced couple that share custody. Um, every single morning, I wake up and thank God that that is not my life. And then that's not a part of my son's story, because I got my crap together and made my career a part of my life and not my life.
[00:28:55] spk_1: Oh, amazing. I know that people listening to this on podcast are going to take so much from it because it's something that one I do not think that has talked about a lot, but to something that's really needed. And that is why I'm so blessed that you came on today and spoke with us. And I hope you all have an amazing and blessed day. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of unapologetically bold. I'm not sorry for If this touch shoot anyway, please like and subscribe and share with your friends as we continue the message of being unapologetically bold, Bobby and hot humans who are humble, open and transparent. See you next time.
In this session, join us as we talk with Misty about her military transition journey and steps she learned along the way to create boundaries while still supporting her family.
Be kind to our bot, as he does have some troubles transcribing country accents.
[00:00:02] spk_1: Welcome to unapologetically bold. I'm not sorry for if you are a person that is tired of apologizing for being you, you know the human part of you that sometimes feels like it has to be different at home versus work versus play, Theo. Human side that just wants to be hot, humble, open and transparent about your wants, desires and uniqueness. If you answered yes, this podcast is for you. Join me, Emily Elrod as I dive into conversations with Amazing Guest about what you're not sorry for and creative and loving ways. Let's get started. I am blessed today to have this see on here with us. Thank you so much for joining us today
[00:00:55] spk_0: Are problems super excited?
[00:00:57] spk_1: Awesome missing before we get into what you're not sorry for. Tell us about yourself.
[00:01:03] spk_0: All right, Well, I'm Misty Marino and I'm 42 years old and I often stay my age because it's relevant to my testimony and I'm married and we've been married for 15 years and we have a 13 year old boy and my husband and I actually just retired from the Air Force. We both retired from the Air Force on 1 September, and we both served 20 years. My husband served 20 years exactly, and I served 20 years in five months, and we currently reside in South Carolina, and we both started our new jobs. My husband is blessed that he gets to be a stay at home husband and father. And I work at a tire manufacturing plant here in Sumpter, South Carolina. As a human resource is business partner, and my son is starting his seventh grade year at a new private school. And we're just excited for this next stage of our of our lives. We call it our What's Next After the military, I
[00:01:57] spk_1: love it and thank you first off for your service that in itself a big deal. But with that, there's been a lot of changes, especially in the past week. With that, it flows into what you're not sorry for, so let's just get into it, Misty, what are you not apologizing for anymore? I
[00:02:22] spk_0: am not sorry for making my career a part of my life and not my life, so I joined the military when I was 20 and 21 years old. And almost immediately when I joined, I experienced rapid success. So I always won awards and was promoted ahead of my peers and was nominated and selected for special projects and opportunities and not really continued for about 13 years. I was known as the go to person, and I really, really likes that reputation, and leaders relied on me to get the job done. They didn't care about how I got it done. They just knew that I was going to get it done. So I was very well liked from the top, and I drived on that. But unfortunately, you know, as you progress in your career, something gives. And I took the service before self core value of the Air Force 100% literal, and I put my career first and I put myself last and I put my family on the back burner and unfortunately for a very long time my husband, my son, received sloppy seconds for me, but I didn't really, You know, I hate to say it, but it didn't really matter to me because I was doing so well. My career and I was getting promoted and with that came raises and money. And so I felt like I was doing my part, you know, to help our family. And throughout 13 years of my career, I just kind of went on that pattern and was always the go to person, and my family definitely suffered. But I didn't listen loud enough, and I've received the best performance evils that anyone could get in the Air Force, and I was very used to that. But then one day I worked for a commander and a new boss. And I always say that I met my match because she wasn't drinking the Kool Aid that people drink for about 13 years, and she definitely honored that I would get things done. But she didn't like how I got it done, and she gave me several chances and formally counseled me and informally counseled me about just being a good person. And she wanted me to get the job done, but be a pretty good human being while I did it, too. But I never, never really follow suit because I just felt like it didn't matter. I'm I'm a woman to you for I'm gonna get the job done. If it's getting done, you shouldn't worry about how it's getting done. And so she said, OK, if you're not gonna listen, then I'm gonna go ahead and make you listen. And she did just that. So at 13 years in, I was a master sergeant in the Air Force, which pretty above average usually people make it in about 15 years. Make that rank. She gave me my first performance, evil. That was not best of the best. In fact, it was a performance evil that was almost unheard of in the Air Force at that time. And she sat me down and said that there is no doubt that you could run circles around every single one of your peers, But you are pretty crappy human being, And I need you to be a good human being while also being a good airman. And she said those two things shouldn't be separate. And so immediately that rocked my world was no longer getting this, you know, satisfaction from work. In fact, I was no longer getting awards, not getting promoted. It wasn't nominated or selected for special projects and opportunities, and I was actually seen as a liability. So once that evil when went public and like I said, it was pretty unheard off to get a new evil like that. All of a sudden, my reputation changed and I felt like I had nothing. Um, and I You know, if I were to be honest, I actually really didn't because I had treated my family with such disrespect that, you know, when I needed them the most, they were like, Hey, we needed you the most for the last 13 years. So I hit it pretty, pretty low point and then I had a moment. I call it my WTF moment where I was kind of sitting in my car and I was like, Dude, you're contemplating, you know, suicide. At the time, I was so upset over a performance evil of work. So I kind of had the common sense to, like snap out of it. And that moment I did. I did just that. I called a mental health counselor and said, I'm having these feelings. They're not normal. And I need to get help. And yeah, Seven years later, I have made my career a part of my life and not my life and my husband and I are the strongest that we've ever been. And I have a great relationship with my son. And it was all because I, you know, definitely dedicated myself to some counseling. And he taught me to do things. And those three things have led me to where I'm at right now. Just making my career a part of my life and not my life. Oh,
[00:07:24] spk_1: there's so, so much in that. Oh, there's so many things I want to pull out. The first thing that comes to my mind, which I think is also interesting, is that this week is actually Suicide Awareness Week and that so many people see people that thrive and try and go above and beyond and not know their story. You are speaking about out about things that people need thio here about and how you noticed that it wasn't normal. It wasn't right and the mate and I talk about my counselor. She is a God given gift and I love her. I e everybody should e but that's me like I haven't been at that low 0.2 because they're like what? You're so happy and that's what people. They look atyou or the little bit that I know about you. Like you're always happy. You're always going. But there's always that part that people don't see that side. So one I want to commend you on speaking out and speaking up and then to I told you before we went on that you're one of the most emotionally intelligent people that I am getting to know more like you just have I'm very good at reading people. And you're emotionally intelligent. I can. This story even tells me more Why? Because not many people will talk about their career path and say, Hey, like, I've met my match. And in essence, it was something that you needed, you know?
[00:08:56] spk_0: Yeah. Yeah, I spent a lot of time. I will, you know, totally transparent. I spent a lot of time hating her, and I even pray to God and told God, like I'm sorry, but I'm not. I know I should forgive her, but I don't. I actually thought that she was wrong for what she did, but I say her name all the time. You know, at the time she was Lieutenant Colonel Marcia Allen, but she's retired. Now, Marcia Allene is by far the one person in my life ahead of anyone. I mean, obviously accept Jesus. But the one person ahead of my life that had the bold leadership and the audacity. And I'm so glad she did to stop me in my tracks and say, Hey, um, I need you to be a good human, like I don't care if you're a good airman. I need you to be a good human being. And because she did that, she helped me put my family first. Put myself first in, you know, just kind of change everything up, do everything different. And still to this day, she I thank her all the time. We went a long time without talking, but I I text message her every now and then and just kind of give her my annual thank you for, you know, knocking the ego out of me. Um, every marriage anniversary, I say a little prayer, Um, for her and she I think she knows how important she is in my life, but I think the people around me are surprised that she's that important because of the strife that you know, I said that she caused. But essentially it was me because she was not wrong and everything that she was saying she was not wrong. Yeah, I overheard. I mean, essentially over my life, right?
[00:10:43] spk_1: I love that. And I think that's the point that I want to go on here, too. Is that the leadership aspect of it as a leader stopping people and because I let him have such a frustration with it so many times people are like it's work versus life instead of bringing it together. And now being a true leader can should impact both. So let's let's drive into that for a minute. What are some things that you have learned in this journey about embracing? I called the synergy between the both of work and life and how they are needed instead of get the job done any way possible.
[00:11:26] spk_0: Yes, so I give all the credit to my counselor, but these three things that he taught me to do so the first thing was to find my purpose and my definition of six desk. So he told me, just kind of like what you just said, You know, working life have to be harmonized. So he called, called it harmony and not necessarily work life balance. Right. But they do need to go together because you're at work. Probably more than your at home. Um, so I defined my purpose, and I defined my definition of success. So once I did those two things. So my purpose is just to develop better human beings with my actions and my definition of success has everything to do with how I feel no matter with, no matter what is going on around me, so I call it kind of emotional success. And I know I don't mean I'm not gonna I'm gonna curse just because it matters, but not bad. But like essentially, what he said was your definition of success is not being shitty in the shit storm. And I write. And so I thought I have carried that with me for the last seven years because you see, like that it hit the fan, right? People unravel. But my definition of success is not Thio unravel, you know, and I've I've watched it in my current company where, you know, I had in my department where my department hasn't unraveled because of Cove it, you know? But then I look at some other you know, businesses around me, um, that have unraveled. So the first thing he did was tell me Thio define my purpose and define my definition of success. Because if I do those two things, then no matter where I am and no matter what I'm doing, I can still develop better people. And I can still be emotionally seeing right. And then the second thing was, I actually got a life, if that makes sense. So my life revolved around work and I loved working. So I needed to get a life that I wanted to go home. Thio and not, you know, it sounds terrible that my husband and my son were enough. But let's just be honest, right? It just it's not always enough. So for me, I needed to have my own hobbies and my own things that I like to do. So I I love reading. I took up reading. I also love to write, and I did a lot of like personal assistant work for people where I wrote a lot of their copy for, you know, for Facebook and Instagram and Boggs and stuff. So I got a life. And then the third thing that I did in order to help me make my career part of my life and not my life was and the Air Force we always talk about. You have your Air Force family. Well, that's all good. But you're forced. Family thinks alike, you know, they feel the same, and they're all under the same pressure. So when you go to them for opinions and perspectives, they kind of all have the same opinions and perspectives. So I developed a different family. I had a gym family. I had a church family. I had a community family. So doing those three things really helps me bridge the gap between work and family and and learn like a balanced life and family or or make them harmonize each other. Mm
[00:14:41] spk_1: Oh, there's so many things a little on that one, too. So, first, I love how you point about your purpose, and what we call it is is finding your values or basically making lens or filters that you can choose to do things. It makes life easier in essence. And then to get alive. I'm a workaholic. My father's a workaholic. My mother, um, she has always put her life in tow. Her fans are us, my brothers and myself, but she's still a workaholic. And so, watching that my whole life, it has been difficult for me, especially owning my own business, to step out, you know, and put some of the carriers and not trying to overwork and make sure that I'm abandoning my family at times. So I love that you talk about that because it is so true, and I and I am blessed to get to talk to executives. And that's the one thing I always say is that at the end of the day, you don't talk about the emails that you sent. You talk about the memories you made, and they're typically with your family or your loved ones, and you can't talk about your successes. But that success comes with people, and I love that. What you talked about even earlier is the part of you realize that you weren't being the best human that you could be. And now it's your purpose and how that tragedy has turned into a trauma triumph. And so, like your message, turn into a message. All that has just been amazing. So I absolutely adore you and I adore your honest for that. So for people that are hearing this and they're like, Wow, that sounds like me I'm slightly getting a pause right now and I don't know what to do in life. What would you tell them? What advice would you invite them to possibly grasp onto to bring some of self awareness of who they are at this moment, to see if it's where they actually want to be?
[00:16:42] spk_0: Oh, that's a loaded question. It's such a good question. So every Monday I do this religiously. I've done it for a while again. I learned it from my counselor, but I always ask myself, Is it working? Is what you're currently doing working And it could be is eating five packs of Eminem's working for you. I did that yesterday. Um, it's not working, but or, you know, is staying toe work 8 p.m. Working for you. Is it benefiting? Your whole life is, you know, planning these outrageous get togethers with your family. Is that working for you where you're stressed out or you're going broke or whatever So I always ask myself, Is it working? And then if you say no, then you have to say, How will I change? How will I changed and and so I was ready at the point where I was sitting in my car contemplating suicide to change. And I contribute that to being resilient because the Air Force teaches you to be resilient. And I had to be for 13 years in the military. So I will say that I probably had a leg up because I had so much education on kind of what Thio identify. You know, I'm going down the wrong path. I need some help. So I would say, Start with Is it working? Yes or no? And if it's if you are not happy with your life, but you're probably gonna have to define what your definition of success is, you know, my definition of success no longer deals with the awards that I win my promotion or the money like we were just talking about my job offer, and that doesn't define success for me. So what defines success for me is feeling good when I have to stay till eight PM because I'm HR right in HR always has to stay or or you know, or whatever it is. But you have to kind of ask yourself isn't working. And if it's not, then what are you going to do about it? You know? And I also want to say if it's okay, Emily, but there's too hard fax that come with this. So making your career a part of your life and not your life is not easy. And so the two biggest fax one and this is people really need I call it like a come to Jesus meeting, right? What you're doing is not normal, so people are not going to receive it well, and you have to realize that so most people who have work life, balance or work, life, harmony or whatever you wanna call it are labeled lazy, not dedicated and not all in right. You're not in because I I am sure that you you hear this from the executives people who come in early. I mean, I'm sorry. People who come in on time leave on time, maybe not go to every company picnic or whatever they're labeled. Not all in. And unfortunately, that's a reputation that could follow you. Right. So the first hard truth is that what you're doing is not normal. People are not balanced. Most people are not balanced. So you're gonna have to realize that it may not be well received and then the second hard fact is, if you want to keep this level of balance, you may not progress. You know, in the company, people may not want to promote you on DSO You have to kind of get really satisfied with where you're currently. Yet my co worker and I have this conversation all the time because our next steps, you know, in the company would be maybe eventually to be in hr manager or whatever. And we both kind of say to ourselves like, Is that Is that the life that we want? You know, Do we want that? And so for people who are in this kind of like middle of the roads trying to figure out, you know, I know something needs to change. I would ask yourself like, is it working and then kind of set a plan, but know that it may not be well received and you may not go as far as maybe you think you want to go. But that kind of starts with defining your definition of success. I told my husband all the time, If I don't make another dollar in this current job and I don't go any further, I am 100% okay. You know, I took my uniform off for a reason, and that reason is to be able to be home by six PM every night to read with my son. So we read every night together a six, and that is my reason. So if if I stay a human resource is business partner for the next 20 something years, as long as I get to be home with my son and read, I'm good with that. Oh,
[00:21:10] spk_1: I love that. And I think that's another thing that leaders should note onto that you need to create environments where this is normal. It's a slow shift that's a part of our model that works be is to be that that it is the normal, because if we're gonna preach it, we actually have to live by it. And that makes me think of one of our teammates. She was overwhelmed. Absolutely overwhelmed and I told her, Take off two weeks like just go take your time off because here's the thing. If you have people working and stressed out environments, you're paying them to do nothing. Yeah, that's so true. Your shot clock. You're learning centers of your brain. You cannot be innovative if you cannot grow. You cannot get to the potential in the level that you want to be at because you're stressed. So you're literally as leaders you pay if you care about money. The R O on it is no really great Return on investment on it, So let them have breathing room. Let them have a break and understand that this time may be very traumatic for some. Check on your people. Write them hand written cards. There's so many things that you could do as a leader to make a new normal, which is a goal of mine and mission. Is that living a wise life in creating wise work, that people can progress because they care about people? And that's the thing that I love. That you have noted and started from beginning is that it's all about being a better human and in that process, How much it has helped Because you're the HR world. HR is all about human to human interaction.
[00:22:51] spk_0: Yeah, I wanted to share, you know, no disrespect to the Air Force and no disrespect to any of my leaders. Um, it's you accept a certain matter of dedication to, you know, to the military once you progress in rank, and it's like the, you know, I mean, you literally, I swear to defend the Constitution of the United States. And you're saying that you're okay with dying for your country. So obviously there's a level of dedication there that is necessary. Um, but I took my uniform off for a reason in order to have a choice. And where I currently work there, there so much, so much. What's the word? Just so many people advocating for work, life balance. So my co worker we had yesterday off and on, like Thursday or Friday last week. I was like, Hey, is does anyone coming in or you guys gonna work from home for the holiday? You know, because I'm just not used to having labor day off, I guess. Or maybe I'd have it off, but I work from home, and she's like, No, you're not coming in. No one's working from home and it's like she gathered everybody to make sure she's pretty senior like there. So she gathered everyone to make sure like I'm going on the boat. Were with everyone. Okay, no one's coming in, right? Eso There's people around me all the time advocating work, life balance and then a great thing that my boss did the other day. And I respected him so much when he did this, We missed each other all day. We needed to talk, you know, two week to one another for something. But we missed each other all day. So I left and I was just sitting down. I got home and I was just sitting down to eat dinner with my family and he calls, and I was like, Of course, he would call right now, right? No, no, just just back to him. But it always happens that way. So I picked up the phone. He said, Hey, Misty, Are you home? I said, yes, sir. I'm home and he said, Okay. Talk to you tomorrow. Have a good day, hangs up. And I was like, it happens, you know, And I just had so much respect for him, and then my husband was right beside me and he was like, Wow, I was like, Yeah, I don't even know what to do right now And then we spend all dinner talking about it was still so. I'm very, very blessed where I met. I mean, we have seasons, obviously, in our career where you know, work, life balance doesn't happen. But I have people around me all day. My coworkers are absolutely amazing all day, advocating work, life balance. And so they model what they expect and I get to see it, and it's such an example. And he's, you know, he's the HR manager. He's that, you know, in any he's certainly probably not home eating dinner at 5 30 but he's making sure his team is. That's That's a pretty bold leader right there. I
[00:25:41] spk_1: love that, and that's true, and that's that's the thing that I love is this shift that is happening. I call it a shift towards humanity and that will are starting to actually start humor to care about humans and understand how we're design and that we need this collaboration. But we also hope connection with our families but also with our work and that we do not have to be a versus that we can actually have both. So Well, I
[00:26:07] spk_0: was gonna say real quick, like people will say, and I hear it all the time. All the world is going soft. We're going soft. Nope. Not going soft. We're just getting back to the golden rule. Uh huh. Right. We're not going. We're getting back to the golden rule. And people are not used to treating people with the same level of respect that they want to be treated with. That we think we're going soft. E
[00:26:30] spk_1: think that's a beautiful point, because now and it's that shift from profits to people you know, And again, what you're saying, it's I don't think it's a soft. I think it is actually boldness if you want to actually being told to say, Hey, we need to be better and we can be better and it actually help our margins in the long run. So her final question for you Okay. Anybody apologizing, you hear them say, I am sorry for making my career my life. What would you say to the other?
[00:27:04] spk_0: Yeah. First, I would probably ask. Like, are you happy? Isn't working because there are some people that you know you Do you If if that If that's what makes you happy. You know, there's people that choose intentionally not to get married and not have kids because they love to work. Hey, if that's you, you do you, If you're truly happy, truly happy, then you do you. But if you're not happy, you know you're gonna have to redefine your definition of success. And then you'll have to get a life, get something that you look forward to when you get home. Like I can't wait to get home and watch like the next Netflix show. When I say, get a life I'm not asking you to, like go paddleboarding every weekend. Like you know, I nap and snack on Saturdays. I call them my nap and snack days and I nap. I snack. I watch Netflix like that's getting a life, and then lastly, get a family outside of your job like, yeah, you have the people that you can turn to you in your job. Get a work family. I mean a gin family or a church family or someone else that can give you some different opinions and perspectives. Because if you're asking the people that all think alike, you're probably not going to get you know what you need. So e, I will say it's simple to do. But it's not easy to do to make your career part of your life and not your life, you know, and it's not well received. So you're gonna have to kind of figure out what you're okay with. And I'm okay with never making another dollar again. You know more than what I make now and never progressing because you know that your family is forever. Your job's not, and I almost lost my family. I I felt that, you know, we were almost a divorced couple that share custody. Um, every single morning, I wake up and thank God that that is not my life. And then that's not a part of my son's story, because I got my crap together and made my career a part of my life and not my life.
[00:28:55] spk_1: Oh, amazing. I know that people listening to this on podcast are going to take so much from it because it's something that one I do not think that has talked about a lot, but to something that's really needed. And that is why I'm so blessed that you came on today and spoke with us. And I hope you all have an amazing and blessed day. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of unapologetically bold. I'm not sorry for If this touch shoot anyway, please like and subscribe and share with your friends as we continue the message of being unapologetically bold, Bobby and hot humans who are humble, open and transparent. See you next time.