Hi, this is Wayne Brown, welcome to the latest episode of Life Back On Track.

Today, I want to talk to you about something that's pretty close to my heart. It's about something that was some of the best times of my life and most challenging times of my life also. Its one that I see, that creates a lot of challenge for a lot of people when it doesn't need to.

Now what I'm talking about is parenting and when it transitions into other areas. So you may be aware or you would have heard me talk about when the mother of my two sons left. Before she left, I was very much a hands on father. I was someone who would come home from work. I would play with my sons. I would bathe my sons. I would feed my sons, I would get them ready for bed. I would read them the bedtime story, I put them to bed. And also because I was the lightest sleeper. I got up to them every night as well. So for me I was very much involved.

So when their mother left, when they were little, even though it was challenging, even though that was the start of a dark period of my life. The thing that challenged me the most and caused me the most emotional pain was transitioning from being an involved father to a part time father, which means seeing my son's every second weekend. That was really hard.

The seeing them was a joyous moment. I would drive into the driveway, knock on the door, and they would come running out. It was a wonderful, wonderful moment. The bit that really tore my heart out every time, was saying goodbye to them every second weekend when I took them back. Now, it's been obviously some time since I've had to do that, because my boys are now in their mid twenties and older.

Having now the opportunity to look back on the journey and what worked and what didn't, what created challenges for myself and what created challenges for their mother and also for our two sons, and also looking at the journey of other people. That's what I want to talk about today is my observations. Looking back now, knowing what I know now.

I don't know you, I don't know if you've got children. I don't know if you're planning on having children. I don't know if you're together as a couple. I don't know if you're separated and you're a single parent or you're someone like me that had access every second weekend. I know nothing about that. I know though how it feels and looking back, seeing what the challenges are. I now know what that is and I want to talk to you about that, so hopefully you can have some things that will help you get through it

When people have children, I don't think any of us fully comprehend how much work is involved in raising children and what a massive impact that has on our lives nowadays. More and more people are thinking seriously about having children before they actually have the children. So, they're stepping back and actually saying, is this something I really want? Or is there an external pressure on me to have children, so from family or whatever?

So that's a good thing. Some couples obviously stay together for their lifetime and live happily ever after and raise kids and do it all wonderfully. However, that's sadly not the majority, the majority of single parents. So I don't know if you're a father, I don't know if you're a mother listening to this. Either way, the information is going to be pretty much the same. Every parent is important to a child. There is only one person who should determine whether or not that parent has access to those children and that's the children themselves.

As parents or as a couple when we separate, sometimes it's tempting to try and cause pain to the other partner, or the ex-partner. It's tempting. I ask that you don't. Whether you're the person that's the primary carer to the children or whether you're the person who like me that had them every second weekend. Make sure to separate how you feel about your ex from parenting of that child. That child should have access to both parents unless one of those parents is a danger to the kids, and that danger could be the primary carer. It could be the other person, it doesn't matter which one it is, as long as those kids are safe, they're loved and all of that and they're being raised, okay.

It doesn't matter about the adults, the adults are secondary, raising the children is the primary. Because I look back on my situation and a lot of the times my ex-wife would wait until the situation became so intense, so difficult to deal with that, she would then throw up her hands and say, "Wayne, you sort it out". Then suddenly, I've got this maelstrom of a mess that I have to sort out, which isn't difficult, but it used to frustrate me because it was a case of why didn't you just involve me from the start and you could have avoided that stress for yourself, that struggle for yourself. And it would have involved me. My boys would have had both of us involved and operating as a team, even though we're not a couple operating as a team raising our sons and it could have been easier on all four of us.

Sadly she is typical of the primary carer now, Sometimes, most times it's the woman, sometimes it's the father. Either way, it's one of those things where it makes life more challenging, more difficult than it needs to be. So if you're the primary care of Children, if you aren't already involving the other person, I ask you on behalf of your children, please separate your feelings, your memories and your goals for the relationship with your ex partner, separate that from the well being of the children.

Because they deserve to have both parents. Now, regardless of whether you're ex hates you or loves you or whatever, if they're a decent parent, they're going to want to help raise their children. So one of the best things I ever saw was a chap that was sharing my house in the early days. He was still going around once a week to his ex's house and they had dinner as a family. So even though they weren't a couple, they both said to each other we still need to raise these boys, and they had two sons like I did. So he would go around once a week to the ex's house, the ex-family house, have dinner with her and his sons and they would be involved. If she went away on holiday, she would phone him up and say "hey come and look after the boys" because obviously he jumped at the chance, so he would do that. He would go and raise the kids or look after the kids while she was on holiday so she could go and relax, knowing that someone who really cared for her sons was raising them, looking after them, making sure they're okay.

That's the way parenting should be. Parenting is challenging, we don't need to make it harder. It was harder for me because I had to not only enjoy my sons when I had them, which is part of the fun of parenting is enjoying children, because it gives you an opportunity to reconnect to your own inner child. Not only was I enjoying that, I also had to double down with my parenting, because I only saw them 18% of their time, I had to really double down my fathering skills to ensure that they got what they needed from a father figure.

So it could have been a lot less challenging for me and it could have been easier for her if she'd asked for help. So being a part time dad isn't a bad thing. That's not the big challenge. And I know, I have talked to a lot of fathers about this and occasionally mothers, but mostly it's a father, where they feel kept out of their child's life. So they've got these little human beings that they love, they want to do everything for and they're kept out of it. It's a shame because the mothers and obviously sometimes the fathers would benefit.

So try to involve your ex, get professional help if you need to, just whatever is needed so that your children can have what they need to grow up with two humans, two adults that really, really care about them and put their needs above any petty squabbling. So for me, looking back, that's what I wish someone had said to myself and my ex wife because it would have made it easier for everyone. My sons would have had an easier journey growing up as well. They would have had less challenges and I'd like to see other people have less challenges.

For me I loved being a father, like I said, and I still love it. If I catch up with friends with children straight away I drop into child mode, I'm the bigger kid of any group of kids in front of me. It's the one, it's the one thing I wish I could wave a wand for, for part time dads, part time mums, anyone that's struggling with that part of parenting or even if you're together, sometimes you can be pitting yourself against each other. Don't need to do that, parenting is challenging enough. Yeah.

Change the rules. Have a discussion. Get some help if you need to. Hopefully, your parenting journey will be a little easier based off the things that I've said, hopefully it will open your mind to some opportunities where your life can be easier. So I'm hoping that's clicked something within yourself so that you can go off and have an easier journey.

So regardless of whether you've got kids haven't got kids, whether you're together as a couple, single parent, part time parent, doesn't matter. Being the best parent you can to those children so you can raise them to be the best possible human beings. That's your goal, that's your aim. That's what you should be shooting for.

All right, look after yourselves will catch on the next episode and until then here's to a great life.

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You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE

Thanks for listening.