Alright, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome back to this episode.

In this one, I've got a question sent in and this one was sent in from Richard in Texas, and it's a situation that seems to strike generally the guys and Richard is asking a question about his partner and this is one that resonates very personally with me.

Richard has asked, when his partner is obviously upset, he will ask her the question that a lot of blokes use "What's wrong?" and her response is, "Nothing!". In other words, she didn't say 'nothing'. She says the word 'nothing'. Now, Richard's confused and perplexed as to why this is the case. Why women say this, when you know that they're upset, when you know that there's something bothering them, when they know that, you know, because you've obviously asked.

So he's baffled as to why and he's also baffled as to what to do. I'm going to keep this is as short and concise as possible so that you can understand what the situation is and how to remedy it. If you want to go into greater depth, I do have a premium podcast that you can look up and subscribe to and I'll go into a lot more depth. However, I want to make sure there's enough information here that you can understand and make progress.

The main source of this situation is that there are people who, they are uncomfortable expressing their anger and they use a tool that I've mentioned before, which is called passive aggression. This is basically a way where if you've ever seen a pressure cooker it's got it's a metal receptacle, like a big saucepan with a lid that seals and inside the pressure builds up.

Now, obviously if the pressure just built up and built up it would eventually blow up. So the design has a little weight on the top. As the steam builds, it lets out a little bit so it can keep it at a maximum pressure. Therefore it doesn't blow. Someone who is using passive aggression is doing the same thing. They have anger, frustration, disappointment, all the other aspects of anger on the spectrum, they have inside them and they don't feel comfortable enough in expressing it, they don't feel safe enough in expressing it. They may not be able to get a grasp on what it is that's really bothering them.

The simplest way for them is to let out a little bit of anger, like the pressure cooker and what they're doing is they're letting it out in the form of if you were to summarise all the ways that they do this, it's a way of going "f@$# you", in other words. In Richard's case with his partner, she is saying, "You know, I'm upset and because I'm so upset, you're going to have to figure it out". In other words, f@$# you, all right?

So I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm gonna make you frustrated as well. So, it's a way of expressing it, but not expressing it. Sadly though it's a very common form, even more so than aggressive anger. Unfortunately, though it's also more damaging because it cuts in, subtly, on so many different levels that can really undermine a lot of things. So the first thing you have to do when you have someone like this is obviously state the obvious.

Say  "I can see you're upset. I'd like to know what it is, that's upsetting you. So I'm willing to listen when you're ready to talk. I had this situation with my wife when I first met her, she did exactly the same thing to me as Richards partner did to him. The first thing I did was say that "So I can see you're upset. You're free to talk and tell me what it is that has upset you". So what I had to do over the next few months was create an environment where she felt safe.

She started testing and she would just tell me a little bit and then she'd pull back and wait and then she'd see that that was received, and then she'd say a little more and wait and then she'd say a little more and wait and over a period of time she got more comfortable. And now obviously she's at the point where when she's upset she'll just say it because she knows I'll listen. I won't retaliate. I won't negate her, I won't minimise her. I won't argue the point.

Therefore she can be heard. She can be valued. And that's really important for people who are using passive aggression. They need to know that they are able to voice it, as long as they're voicing it in a healthy way. Okay. So it's a "I'm upset because ..." and then once they say that you then echo it back. You say "It sounds like you're upset by ... because, whatever it is" and then they go "Yes that's what it is".

Then, if you want you can negotiate and find a solution. That is a very short, concise version of the journey. It takes a little more effort than that. However that will give you an understanding Richard, so that you can go and get a result with your partner and start to make headway.

But that is the really important part, is to let her know that she is safe, in voicing what her problem is, what it is that's upsetting her. You have to allow her, as people have to allow people, to explore it externally. They might be really mixed up inside and unsure of how to word it. So when they voice it and it may not come out accurately at first and they may need to bounce it around outside themselves so you have to be patient, you have to listen okay, because the first thing that comes out of their mouth may not be exactly what they want to say or need to say.

You need to be a little bit patient while they explore it. They'll get better with it and then eventually you'll get to a point where they'll get upset, they'll voice it straight away and then you can deal with it. Okay? So that's it. Richard, go and practice. It'll be, probably a little uncomfortable at first, as it often is when you're trying new skills. It will get better and easier as you go along and good luck with it. Let me know how you go.

All right. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. I hope you're going to go and use that information so you can get a better result with someone who may be using passive aggression with yourself. All right, Look after yourselves, have a great one, and remember, here's to a good life.

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Thanks for listening.