Unapologetically BOLD: I'm not sorry for....
Believing my destructive thoughts with Kelly Summersett
February 19, 2021
Do you have destructive thoughts? What do you do with them? In this session, Kelly speaks to us about how examining your destructive thoughts just might help you turn your mess into a message.
Do you have destructive thoughts?

What do you do with them?

In this session, Kelly speaks to us about how examining your destructive thoughts just might help you turn your mess into a message. 

About the Guest:  Kelly Summersett, a professional Life and Health Coach for over ten years, helps women manage their minds in very little time so they achieve everything that's important to them without over-thinking, stressing-out, and stalling-out. Her one-of-a-kind small group coaching class, MindBodySWEAT, up-levels women's lives in eight weeks by teaching them how to be present, manage their minds and develop healthier relationships with themselves and their bodies. Kelly has been publishing her blog, Motivation Monday, for ten years without losing motivation or missing a Monday yet. www.KellySummersett.com

[00:00:02] spk_0: this is This show is brought to you by Safety FM. Welcome to unapologetically bold. I'm not sorry for If you are a person that is tired of apologizing for being you, you know, the human part of you that sometimes feels like it has to be different at home versus work versus play. The human side that just wants to be hot, humble, open and transparent about your wants, desires and uniqueness. If you answered yes, this is for you. Join me, Emily Elrod as I dive into conversations with Amazing Guest. About what? That you're not sorry for And creative and loving ways. Let's get started. Welcome, everybody. Welcome back to another unapologetically bold I'm not sorry for. And I am blessed today to have a good friend with me. Kelly, Welcome on Kelly.

[00:01:02] spk_1: Hey, Thank you for having me, Emily. I'm very excited about this.

[00:01:06] spk_0: This is gonna be a great conversation. So me and Kelly met at C W L I, which is in Chattanooga Chattanooga Women's Leadership Institute. She does some thanks for them. And I've gotten really involved lately, and just we clicked. We have a lot of as e don't wanna be around people. They're exactly like minded like me. But like hearted, we are like hearted and a lot of the app efforts and to care for other people. So I'm excited for the listeners to get to hear your heart and get to hear from you today. Uh, so to get started Kelly, tell people a little bit about yourself if they don't know who you

[00:01:42] spk_1: are. Alright. So Kelly Somerset. I'm a professional life and health coach. I've been doing it for over 10 years and it's more of the, you know, just coaching. And I coach women and and I have them. I've developed the signature class, and I'm so excited about that. That's what I do now. Like I finally figured that out. It's like maybe you maybe you remember, like having your own business at the start, and you're just kind of like trying to figure out, like what? What do you what direction do I want? What what makes the most sense right? So mind body sweat, that's my signature class now, and I love it. It's eight week class and okay, that's where I'm at now.

[00:02:26] spk_0: So show is called unapologetically bold, So Kelly water you no longer apologizing,

[00:02:31] spk_1: believing my destructive thoughts. So destructive

[00:02:35] spk_0: thoughts they happen for all of us, especially. I found when I do the hardest work, they're the easiest. Come, if that makes sense, especially in my business, when I'm going out and being vulnerable, I'm going out and I'm doing things that scare the crap out of me. I'm doing things that don't feel comfortable. And if we don't control them or if we don't own them, they won't own us. So tell me the time. Whenever you first realize that Hey, it's okay, Toe believe them and to do something about them and understand them.

[00:03:10] spk_1: So when I was thinking about this Emily was thinking about Okay, well, how am I going to explain, You know, not feeling sorry for my destructive thoughts. And And I started playing it out in my mind because, you know, this was this has been a minute, right? That I used to I used to believe my destructive thoughts. Right. And I had to kind of go back there in my mind. So what was interesting is that what I realized is that I never could be sorry because I always thought and maybe maybe you could relate. Or maybe some of the listeners can relate for me back then if I had a thought, if it entered into my head, it must have been my thought Who all this couldn't have been. It had to been mine. I needed to then given a lot of time, care and attention and and own it, right, Well, of course, my thoughts were very destructive. And but I just thought it was me. I just thought that was who I waas. I was a bad person who was never enough. And I was just this big, fat lard ass, right, you know, just like, um, you know, all the all the destructive things I would think about myself right, which obviously were not true. But I thought they were true. So very interesting where it never even occurred to me back then to even think to be sorry, because I just thought that was who I waas is that

[00:04:37] spk_0: I know that things Yes, and that's it's very important. Thio. Address them to analyze them toe and that's the thing is to believe them for a minute, but to believe them so that you can see who owns them. Yes. When did you realize that this can help in the process of you getting to your next level or getting to where you want it getting freedom? Really? That's for May is whenever I believe my destructive thoughts, which sounds very counterintuitive. It sounds very and it's it's believing the ones that you know that all right, and how can you adapt and overcome? Or you may need to forgive and not forget, but forgive and and get thio the grace aspect of it. So talk about that for a minute when it comes to believe in yourself.

[00:05:31] spk_1: So I think we're where I realized that Oh, my gosh, these are so destructive. And they and they had me paralyzed. Really. And I mean, I could tell you like I'll tryto make it really quick. But it was when I all of these destructive thoughts, that I was believing that I had to hold it all together, that I had to do everything that I had to control everything that I needed to put my needs last right. All of these destructive thoughts that shaped me, and just like how you said earlier, right? we feel are thinking we are gonna action on what we're thinking. We're going to get the results of what we're thinking. Well, I admire the results that I was getting in my life were Oh, my gosh. I mean, And then I crashed and in my marriage crashed. Everything crashed. And, um so I asked for a divorce, and it was the hardest time of my life, right? It was just like this huge discovery time. And as we know it, it's these times when we're, like at rock bottom. When we learned the most, we grow the most we achieved the most, right? Even though when we're there, we don't feel like any of that is happening or will ever happen. Um, but I just remember, back then I had a big I had a lot of destructive thoughts about money, even. Right. So you think about it? I was asked. I asked for a divorce. I had my two small Children. I was growing my business out from personal training to more life coaching. So, like I e not making very much money at all, I needed thio figure out how I was gonna earn money. How I was going to support me and my Children, Um, all of this right. And I had this big money story of, like, you know, I can't earn money. And it was a mess. It was just a big, fat mass Emily, and and I I remember I was working with a designer at the time about my logo, and everything was just a mess in my life. Everything was, you know, like, I couldn't focus, right? All of my destructive thoughts were taking up all of my time, care and energy, right? And I couldn't focus. Everything was very fuzzy. Was like it was like walking around with, like, a shooken up snow globe. Right? And you just you just couldn't see or focus or think clearly. And my designer said Okay, Kelly, you need to pick a design for your logo. And he gave me three pages of, like, single spaced, all these marks, right? And I was remember going to bed thinking I can't deal with this. I can't I can't focus on this. I don't know. And all of the other thing that was going on at the time, which is relative is everything was breaking So my coffee pot started caffeinated. The counter my ice maker broke in my refrigerator. My microwave broke and and also it was like I feel like it was even that day, my washing machine. I was doing a load of laundry and I hear it. I hear it beeping when it shouldn't have been beeping. And so I go in there and I kid you not. There is an air message flashing on the washing machine that had the code F you. That's like you've got to be kidding me. And so it was just like this all big culmination of like, Oh my gosh. And so I go to bed that night and and for once I decided to think something differently, and I decided to say, How would I How do I want things to go? How would I rather go through life? Because I was so frightened. I was so frightened to get anything fixed. I was so afraid that if I spent any money that I wouldn't have any money. I mean, I was a big mess and for But for whatever reason, that night I said, You know what I want? I want balanced prosperity. And, I don't know, there was. I don't know why I thought of that. I don't know why I thought about those two words, but it really it gave me a lot of peace. We feel are thinking, right. And I felt very calm thinking that. And I hadn't felt that way in a long time. And and I went to bed that night, and I slept finally right, because I was so used to Matt's because, right, I was so focused in on all my thoughts and and all the stress thoughts are worried thoughts. And I went to bed, slept good. I got up that next morning to look okay. It's like, Okay, I'm fresh. I'm ready to go balanced prosperity still in my head, and I go to my office toe. Look, you know, because I still had to make a decision on my logo, and it was like, um, are you familiar with, like, the hot sign, a Krispy Kreme where it is, right? Well, it jumped off the page, right? Of all those marks of all the pages. Um, it's a K. And it has, like, the circle around. It's like it kind of reminds me of, like a yin yang kind of thing. And it's k for my Kelly and and it just jumped off the page, like the flash and crispy cream sign that said balanced prosperity. Right? And I'm like, Oh, my God, that's it. And that Emily is When things just really started turning around for me, I decided I was going to take my power back. I was going to Yeah, that was when I realized I'm not going to be sorry for any of this. I'm not going to be sorry for asking for a divorce. I'm not gonna be sorry for all the mess right that I was because I created the mess. Now I'm gonna take my power back, and I'm gonna choose on purpose to be bolder, to be unapologetic, too. Get my shit fixed, right? And I got all my stuff fixed, and that was the turning point. And yeah,

[00:11:47] spk_0: I love it. And that's the thing now is that so many people can turn their mess into a bigger mess. Or they could turn the message message, you know, and from the science behind it. And my listeners know I nerd out about this all the time, But it's really interesting to is how much whenever you let you're thinking your stress shut you down. So cortisol they call the anger the body. It literally shuts off your learning centers of your brain. It's where you can't be creative. You can't be innovative. And if you have choices, I screw that like then you add all these different layers. But I think the beauty of it, too, is understanding what got you there so you can get to the next level understanding that these are the destructive patterns that I've done, and it's my choice to do something about it. It's my responsibility. So I love for YouTube. Maybe give some advice or invitation for knowledge on what people can do to take that those destructive thoughts and re struck them into something that can help you actually be better and be

[00:13:01] spk_1: bolder, right? Andi, I think yes. I mean everything that you said is spot on. I think the first step is always gotta be. You gotta even recognize that you're having them right? S o many times, right? We're Teflon, or what does that say? We're Velcro to the negative and tough lying for the positive, right? And so paying attention. Pausing even setting your timer for, you know, 34 times a day. Oh, what am I thinking right now? Where am I right now? Am I out into the future? Any time that you're what iffing. You're worrying. You're stressing your typically not now, you're typically in the next week or next year or, you know, Cove in 33 or whatever. Whatever it is, right. And so you've got to make sure that you're coming back to now. Oh, what would I like to think? Now, How would I like shoes on purpose now, you know, because you know, if I've said it 1000 times, I've said it a million times what you focus in on grows where your energy flows and what you're gonna find evidence for. That's it. And it sounds so, so simple as we know. But to practice it it is with effort at first and to pay attention. Where are my thoughts? Where am I? Um, in the future, you're gonna be anxious. In the past, you're gonna be depressed. So But now, Now it's pretty cool right now. It's just me and you talking right like the rest of the world is doing its thing. But we're right now. We're being present. And there it's a beautiful place. Toe always be, um, so And it doesn't start. That's a start, right?

[00:14:46] spk_0: Yeah, that's a That's an amazing star because it makes me think of the saying that you can multitask, but you can't multi focus. Hmm. And the thing is, is if I am focusing on other things, as you know, that I have puppies back there and I on the back porch, if I'm focusing, have kids in the house. If I'm focusing on that, I'm not gonna be able to give my all to the present right here. I'm going to be able to miss this. But how many people don't analyze their destructive thoughts or the destructive patterns and the validation they may need from maybe a cell phone or the likes and the comments that they need, or something that just keeps them feeling like their whole when it's not really present, you have the presence in front of you need to be taking advantage of. So I think that's extremely important to know and and I wanted to have a little bit deeper into that in a form of mindfulness. What are some practices may be that you do to be more present in the moment.

[00:15:52] spk_1: Gosh, now, you know, that's it's just how I I've learned to be. Really, um it's, like with anything, right? Practices. We're going to get better practice. We're going to get better. And and I think what's what's interesting? Like when I tell my clients in my class this isn't gonna take years for you to feel light years ahead of where you used to be. It just takes consistent effort it could take it Takes consistent practice. Um, I think uh huh. E don't know. I don't remember what I did to get to where I'm at today, you know? But I do think, like, even just setting your timer and just, you know, where am I coming back to now? Paying attention, paying attention, Thio, you know, employing your senses, right? So do I hear the birds? What does the wind feel like? Um, am I really focusing in on my spouse or my child or what? I'm doing it in this moment. Um, because this moment always pretty darn cool when we when we stop for half a second to evaluate it and my clients, when they get good at it, when they get good at being now they The thing that they tell me all the time is like, Oh, my gosh, I have added hours to my day because now I am not up in my head over thinking, worrying, stressing, having all of those destructive thoughts and all of those patterns. I'm not really doing that anymore. I'm touching myself very quickly, coming back to now and then choosing on purpose. How doe I want to move through this, You know, the circumstance or this. You know, whatever. I this next task at hand, how doe I wanna move through it fully present. Right? Um and they've added hours to their day that I hear that so often how much more productive? And that's true, right? When we can just be now and do that next task at hand. Uh, yeah,

[00:18:07] spk_0: my poor kids, I'd sail tell them all the time because the distractions air so easy, like, just in general and or they'll have something in their hand. And I asked them to go do something and it's just always a task at hand. Task at hand, task at hand like my kids are gonna be reciting that in the grave one. Come on. But that is so important to Is that focusing on What can I do now bay in? It's a thing that baby steps. I've actually put a post out the other day about book recommendations and what people have talked about Atomic have ACC's. And I'm This is just maybe me. I'm very anti habit books because I feel like they're very like fluffy and very like. Oh, if you do all this, your world is gonna be amazing Veteran gonna be like this amazing person in, like, a day or two. Um, but come to find out, I still have not read the book. But I got a few synopsis and it's something I've actually been saying for a while. 1% better just being better daily. It's not this crazy task where you have to, like, climb a mountain in an hour. It is actually just one step at a time. Um, I love the brick by brick method. It is just one by another, brick to build the stadium or build the whatever you want of your life, your dream of your life. But it's one, and it takes

[00:19:27] spk_1: a 900 out with you on that. Oh yeah, like blue. That was the power of small. That was like my first philosophy, right? The small things that we do consistently add up to the big lasting results. And I think what's fascinating to about how we operate us humans is that any habit that we learn is just through the associations that we've made up with that habit. Um, the that sensory experience, that association and putting it on. Repeat right. And so when we want to learn a new habit, we can't do it, you know, all all at once. Obviously, because that's what shuts our brain down. Right? That's like overload. It's like asking your four year old to go up who's never clean their room before, and you go, you go and you clean up your whole room and they look at you like you know you're an alien. A half hour later, you go upstairs and they're playing. They haven't done anything, and they're just like sitting there playing with their truck and and we want to get frustrated. Um, but if we're good, parents will say, Oh, I need to break it down. I need to break it down into like like you said that 1% what is? Okay, let's put the trucks away and come back down. And it was the next next task. And so So, yeah, like one of the that's that's a big thing that we talked about. A lot is like doing habit change the right way, doing it in these in the very, very small increments. And I always like Thio encourage people Call it an experiment, right? Because I think that's another thing that trips are brain up is when we decide I need to. I need to change my eating and it needs to be forever. And I never could eat ice cream again, or I always need to be. You know, I need to go to the gym this many days a week, right? And then it's like so much overload, and then our brain hates it, and then our brain acts like a four year old. It throws a temper tantrum was like, No, I'm not gonna do any of it. And so I was encouraged. People do it even for 2 to 3 weeks and just call it an experiment and do one small thing and create that new association. And repeat, repeat, Repeat. The next thing you know, you've got, like, a beautiful new habit that you really have wanted for a very, very long time. You've just not known how to go about it the right way, right? Yes, yes. I mean, you and me, we could Things could be a deal cast. It could.

[00:22:11] spk_0: I know we're getting close to your time, but I think that is important to note, too, because again, it is a frustration for me. And I know it has to be for you to that whenever people give you those get quick fixes or some of those things that we here and it just I'm like, if you believe it's gonna happen today if you don't believe it's gonna happen in eight weeks, 10 weeks, like it takes. If it took you 20 years to get there like, it's gonna take some time, and it's typically ah, lot of you're gonna fail, like if you do it right, the first time you did, it wasn't hard enough. And that's and that's what I love. That you call it an experiment because that's true, especially cause I'm a science nerd. But that's what it is, is trial and error. You are gonna stop. You are gonna fail, will need accountability. You will need to make sure that your experiment is actually not having tons of variables into it as well, because I see way, way too many times, and I've been in the wellness industry for a while. So it's like and it's not just, Hey, we want to lose weight, which is one of my goals. I cannot stand the most, but scales I'm about to go on a little tangent. Little rant. But whenever you step on a scale, y'all, it eventually stops moving, so there's a chance that can tell you really good or your feelings. But the thing is, is like they'll wanna eat right. They want to drink water. They want to sleep right, like they want to do all these things in one in one goal. I'm like y'all. That's not possible. It's not realistic. And here's the cool thing of how the body works if you work on one, they're mutually reinforcing of the other. So sleep movement are all mutually reinforcing of each other. So we are sleep. Guess what? We feel better. Typically, we weren't going for our food. That makes us huh p for dopamine releases. So yeah,

[00:24:12] spk_1: e I love I love that. Absolutely right, right. Focused in on that one thing. Just like this morning, you know? Hey, I'm raising my hand. I've been slacking and whatever. I don't even judge that anymore. I just haven't been Haven't been exercising consistently. And so I said Okay, well, this week, you know, I'm going to commit and I'm gonna go back at it and, you know, coming off of, you know, Thanksgiving, right. Um, so it was some indulging going on And what is today? Tuesday. So yesterday I still felt like it was still, like, indulging right on dso I go downstairs to work out this morning and I come back and I'm like, now I feel I don't feel like I wanna indulge, right. I feel like I wanna treat my body better because I went down and I exercised and I feel better about myself. I feel better about my body, right? That's That's Aziz. Simple as it gets. And that's Yeah, well,

[00:25:16] spk_0: it is so true that and I think to if we don't going back to the beginning of believing your destructive thoughts if you don't assess them, if you don't at first and what I mean. And I think this is what you mean to buy. Believing them, it's you don't grab in and you take them as your identity. It's just being aware. Add that there. There. Would you agree to that?

[00:25:40] spk_1: Yeah. I mean, we're thinking beings we have whoever the experts are, Say 60,000 thought today, right? And and a lot of times they're the same ones. But But we forget that we absolutely have all of the we hold the power, right. We can choose different ones. We can choose. This one makes me feel awful. This one makes me want to sit on the couch. This one makes me want to sleep Well, for this one makes me sad. Well, how would I rather feel? What would What would the the result that I'd rather get What is the action I'd rather take Well, what thought corresponds with that right? That's gonna help us to keep moving forward and take action. Right? So

[00:26:22] spk_0: powerful. So people that are apologizing for believing their destructive thoughts or even a viewing them or hearing them and seeing them, what would you tell them?

[00:26:34] spk_1: But you do not have to be your thoughts. Absolutely not, right. Thoughts? Your thoughts are optional, right? Just because you thought something maybe for decades, which is typical we can choose on purpose today. Thio up level that thought Thio make it make it a more useful, productive thought. You hold the power.

[00:26:54] spk_0: Awesome. And so, for people that want to reach out or learn more about you, where can they find

[00:26:58] spk_1: you at, um, mainly Kelly, some ursa dot com. And, um, those are the two main ways. Yeah,

[00:27:09] spk_0: awesome. Well, thank you for joining me today. And thank you for all that. Have listened. You'll have an amazing and blessed day. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of unapologetically bold. I'm not sorry for if this to shoot anyway, please, like and subscribe and share with your friends as we continue the message of being unapologetically bowled by being hot. Humans who are humble, open and transparent. See you next time