Teach Your Child That They Can Say No!
August 9, 2021
We make many demands of children and they have to deal with learning and understanding a lot about this world that they have been thrown into.
In this episode, I want to explore something that I had never realised about raising children and one that I hope you consider and also weigh up how much better it can make your child's life and also your own.
If you have any questions or feedback, you can send an email to admin@life-on-track.com
I also have a weekly online radio show called “All About Relationships” that is broadcast live on Thursdays at 6:00pm (AWST) +8hrs GMT and replayed on Sundays at 2:00pm (AWST) +8hrs GMT. You can also listen to all of the episodes through my podcast. Just search “Wayne Brown All About Relationships”
Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode.
Do you recall as a child, where there were times where you would go to catch up with family members and you might have been 3 or 4? You could have been 8 or 9 or 10 maybe? You're told to go and say hello to a family member, and so you have to go up to this person who you may see regularly, you might not, and you have to hug them.
I myself have been through this, and I understand what it's like. However, I read something the other day and it showed me a side to that, that I had never considered before. That is how, we from a very young age, we condition our children, the young people in our lives, that there are things about their life that they have no say in, and I never contemplated before the magnitude of this one little action.
That is when we tell our children to go and say hello to a relative, to a family member, and it impacts many areas of our life, and I want you to consider it as well, not just if you've got children, but also how it may have affected you as an adult from when you were a child.
So think about this. This way, you've gone to meet up with a family member and you have a young child. This child could be yourself as a child, or it could be one of your children, and you have this child who they, unless they see people very regularly, don't have a strong recollection of the relationship with them.
So if they only see them a few times a year, which happens with extended family, they will have hesitations going up to someone and getting close to them, not just going up and talking to them but actually going up and giving them a hug or a kiss. They may feel uncomfortable with that. There are these adults for whom there is an authority, where they can command you to do certain things, and you don't have a say in it.
So you're nervous, maybe fearful. You're hesitant, and you're made to go up and get close to this person and show them affection when you may not naturally be feeling that. Now, as adults, we know that that was done to us as children, so therefore, we tend to use the same behaviour without thinking about it.
The challenge is, how that sets up a mindset that can seriously impact the rest of our lives all the way through our adulthood without us being aware of that. So if we look at this in simple stages, you have yourself being commanded by an authority figure to do something you don't want to do.
So, First Mindset Rule: You don't always get what you want.
Two. You may protest that you don't want to, and then you're again commanded to go and hug this person, show affection to them.
Second Mindset Rule: My values my wants, my desires. My fears aren't considered. Therefore, I don't get listened to.
You then have to go up to this person who you don't potentially know very well and you're not comfortable with. You have to get within their intimate zone, they're also in your intimate zone and you have to show them affection. So you may be uncomfortable with the way they look, the way they move. They may make contact with you, could be something about the way they smell, where you have a degree of repulsion, of hesitancy, of fear and because you are commanded to do it again.
Mindset Rule Three:, you're taught. Even if it's uncomfortable, I have to do it even if I don't want to do it. Even if I'm scared. Even if I'm worried about my safety, I have to do it. And therefore you're taught my body is not my property.
And I had never thought about this before. I read this article, and once I read it, I was like, Oh my God, this is so true. This one little incident that we don't view initially as being of such a profound impact in our life. It sets up children that way, and we do it so that the other adult doesn't feel unloved, unaccepted, whatever it is. So it's easier for us to make the child uncomfortable.
Now I know, with my nieces, with my nephews, with basically any young person now is I say to them, "Regardless of what their parents say, that they don't have to hug me." Hello, Goodbye. Whatever. Unless they want to. I respect their viewpoint about me. Now I know that they're safe with me, etc, etc. I want them to decide what they do with their body, with their emotions, with their thoughts, with their actions.
When they're around me, I want them to feel that they have that little bit of control. So for myself, I know that revisiting that from when I was younger, it was challenging because I realised how much I'd been forced to do things that I may have been uncomfortable with because it may have made other people uncomfortable. In other words, I had to be uncomfortable so that they weren't and I realised that that impacted my life these days. So I had to address that.
So now I'm very much more conscious of it. The really important thing about this is that it shows your child going back to these three mindsets that their fears, their wants, their desires, their needs are listened to, actually listened to. They are valued, they are observed, they are obeyed. That is important. That gives them confidence so that next time they're fearful, they can tell you.
The flow-on effect from this one little thing is actually quite profound. It teaches your child that they have dominion over their body. They have a degree of sovereignty over their goals, their needs, their wants, their desires, their fears, their hesitancy, their ease. This starts to build trust, respect. It gives them a better understanding of the strength that they have within a relationship. They are better able to say what they will and won't tolerate within a relationship. The impact is profound and huge.
If you currently have small children, consider this. Next time they catch up with someone, ask them if they want to go and say hello to someone. If they don't want to, don't make them. Consider the impact on them in the long term. Now, if the other person tries to force them, side with your child and say they're not comfortable at the moment. All right now, this also applies to you.
I've just suddenly remembered another part of that story where, where it originated was this woman. Her father was tickling her child, and the child wanted him to stop, and he wouldn't. So when she stepped in and asked him not to, he said, "I'm just having fun", the mother said. "But she's not. Therefore you need to stop now". He got all pouty about it and sort of went off and sulked without understanding that the child needs to feel safe. That child needs to feel valued.
And it all starts from those little moments where a child understands their power, their strength, their value, their worth. All these little moments have such a huge impact on all of us, on all of us. So I know this one's a little bit heavy, and I'm trying to keep it a little bit light, however, the severity of the impact can't be understated. It is profound. It is huge.
If you want children that are strong, capable, independent, all of this sort of thing, they need to understand that they are listened to, that they have somewhere they can be safe. So if they have people who understand and respect their boundaries, they will feel safe. I know when my boys were little, if we were wrestling or fighting, I was all right with everything except for kicking because that hurt, no matter how small they were, kicking hurts. So I had to explain to them "I'm okay with us doing anything. If you kick though it stops".
So I always made sure that no matter what we were doing, even though it might be rough and tumble because I had boys, I wanted them to know that they could also stop it at any time, so they can tap out and go. "No, I'm not comfortable any more". Doing this for your Children helps you. It helps them. That helps everyone. It lets them know that there is respect. There is trust, there is understanding, and that builds connection, which they will need later on in their life.
Also, revisit this for yourself as a child, so think about the times where maybe you were made to do something that you didn't want to do, and if it's impacted you now as to who you are. So it's a little bit heavy and a little bit to think about. I want you to feel comfortable exploring it so that you can become more of who you are. To stand up for your boundaries. Stand up for what you want, what you're fearful of.
It allows you to then, to be more open so that you can do, you know, whatever healing or exploration that you need to do to become the best version of you. So I know this one's probably been a little heavy. Things in life do get heavy sometimes. So I hope you're a little more comfortable exploring it, thinking about it and the way that it impacts us and the people that we care about. So, yeah, that's it for today.
Teach your child that they can say no and also teach your own inner child that they can say no, that it's okay to say no. If other people get upset, that's their journey. It's nothing to do with you. Make sure your journey is good and congruent with yourself.
There we go. Get out there. Practise it. Let your children know that it's OK as well. And then everyone's life can be that little bit better, which is ultimately what we're after. So that's it for today. Enjoy yourself. Look after yourself. Thanks for listening.
As always, my podcast is expanding. Feel free to share it with people that you care about, and I'll catch you on the next episode. Until then, here's to a good life
You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out.
Do you recall as a child, where there were times where you would go to catch up with family members and you might have been 3 or 4? You could have been 8 or 9 or 10 maybe? You're told to go and say hello to a family member, and so you have to go up to this person who you may see regularly, you might not, and you have to hug them.
I myself have been through this, and I understand what it's like. However, I read something the other day and it showed me a side to that, that I had never considered before. That is how, we from a very young age, we condition our children, the young people in our lives, that there are things about their life that they have no say in, and I never contemplated before the magnitude of this one little action.
That is when we tell our children to go and say hello to a relative, to a family member, and it impacts many areas of our life, and I want you to consider it as well, not just if you've got children, but also how it may have affected you as an adult from when you were a child.
So think about this. This way, you've gone to meet up with a family member and you have a young child. This child could be yourself as a child, or it could be one of your children, and you have this child who they, unless they see people very regularly, don't have a strong recollection of the relationship with them.
So if they only see them a few times a year, which happens with extended family, they will have hesitations going up to someone and getting close to them, not just going up and talking to them but actually going up and giving them a hug or a kiss. They may feel uncomfortable with that. There are these adults for whom there is an authority, where they can command you to do certain things, and you don't have a say in it.
So you're nervous, maybe fearful. You're hesitant, and you're made to go up and get close to this person and show them affection when you may not naturally be feeling that. Now, as adults, we know that that was done to us as children, so therefore, we tend to use the same behaviour without thinking about it.
The challenge is, how that sets up a mindset that can seriously impact the rest of our lives all the way through our adulthood without us being aware of that. So if we look at this in simple stages, you have yourself being commanded by an authority figure to do something you don't want to do.
So, First Mindset Rule: You don't always get what you want.
Two. You may protest that you don't want to, and then you're again commanded to go and hug this person, show affection to them.
Second Mindset Rule: My values my wants, my desires. My fears aren't considered. Therefore, I don't get listened to.
You then have to go up to this person who you don't potentially know very well and you're not comfortable with. You have to get within their intimate zone, they're also in your intimate zone and you have to show them affection. So you may be uncomfortable with the way they look, the way they move. They may make contact with you, could be something about the way they smell, where you have a degree of repulsion, of hesitancy, of fear and because you are commanded to do it again.
Mindset Rule Three:, you're taught. Even if it's uncomfortable, I have to do it even if I don't want to do it. Even if I'm scared. Even if I'm worried about my safety, I have to do it. And therefore you're taught my body is not my property.
And I had never thought about this before. I read this article, and once I read it, I was like, Oh my God, this is so true. This one little incident that we don't view initially as being of such a profound impact in our life. It sets up children that way, and we do it so that the other adult doesn't feel unloved, unaccepted, whatever it is. So it's easier for us to make the child uncomfortable.
Now I know, with my nieces, with my nephews, with basically any young person now is I say to them, "Regardless of what their parents say, that they don't have to hug me." Hello, Goodbye. Whatever. Unless they want to. I respect their viewpoint about me. Now I know that they're safe with me, etc, etc. I want them to decide what they do with their body, with their emotions, with their thoughts, with their actions.
When they're around me, I want them to feel that they have that little bit of control. So for myself, I know that revisiting that from when I was younger, it was challenging because I realised how much I'd been forced to do things that I may have been uncomfortable with because it may have made other people uncomfortable. In other words, I had to be uncomfortable so that they weren't and I realised that that impacted my life these days. So I had to address that.
So now I'm very much more conscious of it. The really important thing about this is that it shows your child going back to these three mindsets that their fears, their wants, their desires, their needs are listened to, actually listened to. They are valued, they are observed, they are obeyed. That is important. That gives them confidence so that next time they're fearful, they can tell you.
The flow-on effect from this one little thing is actually quite profound. It teaches your child that they have dominion over their body. They have a degree of sovereignty over their goals, their needs, their wants, their desires, their fears, their hesitancy, their ease. This starts to build trust, respect. It gives them a better understanding of the strength that they have within a relationship. They are better able to say what they will and won't tolerate within a relationship. The impact is profound and huge.
If you currently have small children, consider this. Next time they catch up with someone, ask them if they want to go and say hello to someone. If they don't want to, don't make them. Consider the impact on them in the long term. Now, if the other person tries to force them, side with your child and say they're not comfortable at the moment. All right now, this also applies to you.
I've just suddenly remembered another part of that story where, where it originated was this woman. Her father was tickling her child, and the child wanted him to stop, and he wouldn't. So when she stepped in and asked him not to, he said, "I'm just having fun", the mother said. "But she's not. Therefore you need to stop now". He got all pouty about it and sort of went off and sulked without understanding that the child needs to feel safe. That child needs to feel valued.
And it all starts from those little moments where a child understands their power, their strength, their value, their worth. All these little moments have such a huge impact on all of us, on all of us. So I know this one's a little bit heavy, and I'm trying to keep it a little bit light, however, the severity of the impact can't be understated. It is profound. It is huge.
If you want children that are strong, capable, independent, all of this sort of thing, they need to understand that they are listened to, that they have somewhere they can be safe. So if they have people who understand and respect their boundaries, they will feel safe. I know when my boys were little, if we were wrestling or fighting, I was all right with everything except for kicking because that hurt, no matter how small they were, kicking hurts. So I had to explain to them "I'm okay with us doing anything. If you kick though it stops".
So I always made sure that no matter what we were doing, even though it might be rough and tumble because I had boys, I wanted them to know that they could also stop it at any time, so they can tap out and go. "No, I'm not comfortable any more". Doing this for your Children helps you. It helps them. That helps everyone. It lets them know that there is respect. There is trust, there is understanding, and that builds connection, which they will need later on in their life.
Also, revisit this for yourself as a child, so think about the times where maybe you were made to do something that you didn't want to do, and if it's impacted you now as to who you are. So it's a little bit heavy and a little bit to think about. I want you to feel comfortable exploring it so that you can become more of who you are. To stand up for your boundaries. Stand up for what you want, what you're fearful of.
It allows you to then, to be more open so that you can do, you know, whatever healing or exploration that you need to do to become the best version of you. So I know this one's probably been a little heavy. Things in life do get heavy sometimes. So I hope you're a little more comfortable exploring it, thinking about it and the way that it impacts us and the people that we care about. So, yeah, that's it for today.
Teach your child that they can say no and also teach your own inner child that they can say no, that it's okay to say no. If other people get upset, that's their journey. It's nothing to do with you. Make sure your journey is good and congruent with yourself.
There we go. Get out there. Practise it. Let your children know that it's OK as well. And then everyone's life can be that little bit better, which is ultimately what we're after. So that's it for today. Enjoy yourself. Look after yourself. Thanks for listening.
As always, my podcast is expanding. Feel free to share it with people that you care about, and I'll catch you on the next episode. Until then, here's to a good life
You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out.
You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE
Thanks for listening.