Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track.

Welcome to the latest episode. I have been married before, as you probably realise, from listening to my podcasts, and one of the things that I have had as a challenge, which is the same challenge that anyone has when they get married, is in laws.

Now we've all heard the stories about in-laws that are a real pain in the butt, and we've heard the jokes about in-laws, and we've heard a lot of these negatives. A lot of the time we see the in-laws as an unwanted piece of baggage, something that we don't want to deal with, someone that seems to give us more headaches than anything else.

Where a lot of people struggle and make their first mistake is when they meet someone, they meet them and they say, "Wow, this is a really nice person. I like them", and after a period of time, you fall in love. Once you're deep enough in love, you think "Wow, maybe I could spend my whole life with this person".

Then you get married and you start having to contend with the in-laws. The problem is, a lot of people forget that when you hook up with someone, unless they've been orphaned and they have literally no family, you're going to have to contend with in-laws. You're going to have to contend with a mother, and a father, and siblings, and uncles, and aunties, and cousins, and friends, and all of these people come along.

Now they all obviously love and care for this person and connect with them, especially the friends, because they choose to be with them. Relatives, you have them by default and they're with them. Because of that reason, they may not necessarily be a match for you. So you could be a match for your partner, but not necessarily a match with your in-laws, and that means the problems start, the challenges start, the obstacles are created.

Now, how is this possible? How does this happen? It happens because there is, and a lack of understanding around that initial part of whether or not you match. I want to give you a couple of pointers to help with dealing with in-laws, and this is something that's pretty important to bear in mind.

I may not cover all the points here, however, what I give you will make a big difference to where you're currently at or where you may be in the future, depending on whether you're in a relationship already or whether you're going to be in one at some point in the future.

So when you hook up with someone, these people come by default. Now you don't have to like them. You don't have to love them. Same as anyone that's in your life. You don't have to like them or love them. You choose to. The way you can make this easier, is to understand this little scenario, and I learned this one from a chap by the name of Pat Mesiti, and he used this little story when his teenage daughter was out and she wasn't home by the time she said she'd be home and he couldn't contact her on the phone.

Like any parent, he was worried, and when she came home, he was obviously distressed, and she was trying to tell him that it was nothing and she was OK and everything like that, and he used this metaphor to explain to her why he was so concerned.

He asked her "If I had a million dollars and I put it in a suitcase and I left it outside the front door. Would that be wise of me?" And his daughter said "No, I'd think you're an idiot to leave something out there of such value where it could be stolen." He said to his daughter, "Well, you're worth a lot more to me than that million dollars" and she started to connect to "I'm out there and I'm of great value to my father, therefore, he needs to know that I'm safe, that I am going to make it home safely and that his investment in me is worth it."

So when you get a partner, regardless of their age, they have people that have invested a lot of time in them. So mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family, friends. All these people have spent time with this person, and it could be they could be building them up or tearing them down, it doesn't matter. They have this history, and you're coming into that as an outsider, so if you bear that in mind, that you're the fly in the ointment, the lump in the gravy, so to speak, that you are the one who is the outsider, not them, they come as part of the package deal.

So if you just bear in mind from their point of view, they're concerned about the impact of this person. No-one wants to see someone we love getting hurt. We don't want to see that. We know it's possible. It may happen. That's what happens in life. Sometimes we get upset, sometimes we get hurt. We just don't want it to be unnecessary. So this was one of the things I realised with a lot of my in-laws. So I actually put the effort into getting to know these people and understand them.

Now. Luckily for me, they were all pretty decent people, so they were easier to like and respect and have trust with and all of this sort of thing than it would be for other people that maybe I had more challenges with. I would have still put the same amount of effort in even if I didn't necessarily like them, because I knew they were part of the package that came with my partner. If you always bear that one in mind that you are the outsider and you're not winning them over.

All right, this isn't about a manipulation or anything like that. It's getting to the point where you can see something in them that you enjoy, that you like being around with, where you can connect, and then your relationship with them can grow and evolve and become better. You have to understand, though, that you're the outsider and vice versa. When your partner meets up with your family, your friends, your parents, your siblings, they have that same challenge.

So bear in mind that they're going to be coming in and being uncomfortable trying to find that common ground with your family. So you have to understand that that's their journey as well as yours into their world. So if you just start with this one little thing in mind, it will make your relationship a lot easier.

I'll give you an example for myself that I used understanding this very same principle that I'm talking about. When I married my wife, we couldn't do the traditional father of the bride handing her over to me because her father had passed. I lost my mother years ago as well. So we both lost a parent, so we understood each other in that regard. I knew that her mother would be concerned about her daughter, because obviously she's put all that effort into raising her. She wants to know that her daughter is safe and going to be looked after, and all of these sorts of things that every parent worries about.

What I did is, I wrote a letter to her mother explaining that I understood that she was worried about whether she had made a good choice. I assured her that I would do my absolute best to look after her, to support her and to be the sort of husband that she can be proud of. When her culture gets married, they do an exchanging of gifts. So people come up and they give you a little gift, a memento for the day to make it special, and when her mother came up, she gave my wife a gift, and then she gave me one, and I thanked her, and then I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out this envelope and handed it to her. My wife's like, "What's that?" And I said "Nothing! You'll find out later" and her mom took this away and she read it and it took her a little while to process it and to understand it and to see the evidence of that being true.

The wonderful thing was I pre-framed her about what I was going to do, and then I followed through. So she saw that I was congruent between what I would say and what I would do. That means she has then trust in me, trust that I'm going to do what I said I was going to do. She has respect because I'm looking after her daughter. So we have a really cool relationship. Because of this, I understood that her family came as a package deal. So I had to get her brother, and her sisters and all the extended family and nieces and all of that, they all came as part of the deal and the friends.

So all I did was took the time to understand they had this history. So I listened to what they've been through, what they've done together, what they've talked about, what they've experienced, so I could see their world together, their history together. I could understand who she got on with, who she might be having challenges with and why, and then I could support her properly.

So I used her world to support my relationship with her. So know that your in laws don't have to be a bad thing. It can be. If you want to be ignorant and butt heads with them and have challenges, they are going to happen anyway. You're going to have times when you don't agree with them, and that's OK. You don't have to agree with them.

Finding common ground of respect and trust and all of these things will help you create a better relationship. So if you currently have a challenge with an in-law, pause and look at it from a bit of a pulled back situation, where you can see it for what it is, look at where you might have that challenge and how you might make that a little easier for both of you.

So see that they might be concerned about something, and then you can address that so that they feel more comfortable and assured that you're going to do the right thing by that person that you've chosen. So that's one thing that I found has helped me immensely with in-laws, is understanding that history that comes with my partner.

 So if you want to make your relationship with your in laws easier, that's what you need to do is find that common ground. Find that situation where you can explore and understand each other. Then, at some point it will all start to come together. You'll develop more of a relationship, and that will make your relationship with your partner easier.

 So, instead of family get-togethers being a real pain in the butt, they can be something that can deepen your relationship with your partner just by finding that common ground.

So, there you go. Have fun with it. Yes, it's a challenge. It's worth it though, it's worth it. When you see the depth of connection you can make with their friends, with their extended family, with their immediate family, and because of that, how much it can deepen your relationship with your partner.

So again it takes effort, it takes work, it takes attention. The results from it though make it thoroughly worthwhile, so get out there, practise it, persist and get the results.

Thanks for listening. And remember, here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

Thanks for listening.