Dating Kinky
There is REALLY a fundamental equality in kink.
March 11, 2022
A dominant and a submissive (or any role), are humans first. They simply have different needs and desires. While this sort of idea is given lip service, many times, implicit bias gets mixed in with discussions.
It’s built in. On purpose. No matter your role, you are equal to another until you negotiate and consent. 

It’s a fundamental idea of contemporary kink. 

It’s actually been a foundation for all of the 25+ years that I’ve been in kink, wherever I’ve practiced it. 

And yet, implicit bias and common tropes show up in discussions about kink constantly. 

From experienced and new people alike. 

And it’s weird. 

Because those same people will swear up and down that people are equal, regardless of their roles, then they’ll pull out some bullshit about how most submissives are weak, or how dominants need to be kept somehow in check by their submissive with a safe word (and all of the power, apparently). 

I don’t get it. 

Before people are roles, they are human. 

And every one of them is just as likely to be a flawed human as the next. 

My guess is that if you put 20 kinksters in the vanilla clothes they use to go to the grocery store, and mix them with 20 ‘nilla folk, then ask questions about personality and intelligence and hobbies (aside from kink), you’d be hard-pressed to guess who is kinky from the data, much less the roles each claimed (or didn’t). 

And that’s how it should be. 

Because kink is ONE FACET of a life. 

Not a whole life. 

And people are going to people, regardless. 

Let’s look at a few of these assumptions (and I hope you’ll share more of your own):

Submissives are weak. 

Ummm. No. Submissives are people who choose to submit to another in their personal life. That has nothing to do with weakness. 

And to turn it around, I know people who identify as dominant because they feel so out of control and insecure that they can’t give up any control. 

Submissives are humans and come in all shapes, sizes, IQs, colors, and strengths. 

A submissive is no more likely to be weak than a dominant is. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here.]