Hi, this is Wayne Brown from Life Back On Track. Welcome to the latest episode, and in this one, I want to talk to you about something I've noticed over many years of coaching people one-on-one.

When I'm talking to them and we're looking into their situation and they're giving me the information and they start talking about something that we all have, and that's fear. They start saying that they have these particular fears and it could be regarding their dating, or their relationships, or parenting, their mindset, their finances, could be anything, doesn't matter, fear is fear.

What I have noticed is, we start talking about our fears, and it could be, a fear of being rejected, for example, and a lot of people can easily identify that initial fear. The thing is, though, that's not actually the thing that's scaring us a lot of the time. The thing that we really fair is something that's difficult to admit. It's deep, it's scary, it can be profound. It could be something that triggers off a whole heap of stuff that we've been suppressing or ignoring or denying, and to confront that original real fear can sometimes be very overwhelming.

For a lot of people, however, a situation can never be properly dealt with, prepared for, or overcome until you get to that initial fear. The fear that's really driving it. Now where this plays out in our life is, a lot is if you have conflict with someone, so you'll hear about a couple, where she might be upset about something or he might be. It doesn't matter. But instead of dealing with the actual situation, the real fear because that one can be a bit overwhelming to deal with, it could be a little bit scary because that one is so intimidating to deal with, it's easier to create something that is easier to deal with, can be quick, can be less painful. You can get it out in a burst, and then you can feel like you've dealt with it.

The trouble is, you still have that initial fear, so they will argue about this other thing. So, for example, let's say there's a husband and wife. He leaves his socks on the floor. She's always picking up after him. One day she's had enough. She has a big argument with him, she says. "You just think I'm a maid. You don't care about me." And so, of course, they have this big argument. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah". Now the thing is, is the socks being left on the floor. The real problem is the fact that she believes he's just thinking of her as a maid. The real problem? No, you need to dig deeper into it. It's not so much that she thinks he believes she is just a maid. It's her. It's her yardstick for how much he values her, how much he sees her as worthy. So her self esteem can be tied in with those socks. So instead of actually confronting him about that deeper attitude, which might come from something with his happened in his childhood that can trigger off something deeper in him if she had confronted him with the actual truth.

So when you have a real problem with anything with life, you have to get past your initial primary fear. There's always something deeper driving it, especially when we get to conflict. So whether that's conflict at work, with your children, with your partner, with your family, your friends, it doesn't matter. Whenever you have things like conflict, there's always a deeper fear that's driving things. And that's what you want to be looking for. Your secondary, your third, your tertiary fear, had to think of the word there.

It's the thing that's deeper than what you initially think is upsetting you. So push past the primary fear. Be brave and ask yourself, What are you really fearful of? What is it that is really driving this? And I find that when I'm coaching people, if I keep pushing them about that primary fear, the real driver, when we get to that, suddenly they're like "Oh", and then they can deal with it so they can make sense of it. They can get coping mechanisms. They can find what they need to deal with that situation so that the surface situation, when it happens, is less intense.

So I know for myself when I've had fears and concerns and things like that, when I dig in and find out what the primary is, the situation is a lot easier to deal with. Now is it still scary? Of course it is. Fear is always there. It's one of our natural emotions. Whether it is something that will stop you from moving forward, that's the difference. Is the fear something that's going to immobilise you, or is it going to allow you to move forward? That's what you want to ask yourself, and if a fear is immobilising you, you definitely want to dig in and find out what the primary is.

So push through your fears. Find out what they are first, can't just push through them because otherwise you're just trying to deny them, and they can overwhelm you. But dig in. Find your primary fear if you've got a situation you're dealing with, regardless of what it is to find out what the primary fear is, so you can deal with it so that you can get some tools to cope with it, to minimise it, to make sense of it, whatever it is you need. Once you know what that primary fear is, then you can start to push past it and get the results that you're after.

So that's it for today's episode. I just wanted to talk to you about primary fears. Okay, have a great one. Thanks for listening in. There's links below. If you want to send me a quick ninety-second voicemail just to say hi or give me some feedback, send a question or whatever, and there's also a link if you want to try out the family, which is my subscription group, where I gather all of the information I've garnered over 20 years about parenting, relationships, conflict resolution, which is a big one, dating, mindset, all of this sort of thing.

You can you have a trial of that with a 30 day money back guarantee. If you don't like it at the end of 30 days, we give you your money back. But anyway, considerably less money than one-on-one coaching or most courses. Check it out and give it a try. Until then, thanks for listening. Catch you on the next episode. Look after yourself and remember, Here's to a good life.

You can listen to the Life Back On Track podcast on your favourite platform by visiting our podcast website. Click HERE to check it out. 

You can also listen to my radio show “All About Relationships” which has its own podcast on your favourite platform by clicking HERE 

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