E2. Interview with Alisha & Catherine
May 19, 2021
Listen to our next interview with our Guests, Alisha & Catherine as we discuss their story and their struggles as a member of the LGBTQ+ community as it relates to their faith. Something huge that stood out for me was this idea that there is a difference in tolerance and acceptance. People don't want to be tolerated, they want to be loved and embraced. We hope you find this helpful in your journey to learning to love.
Listen to our next interview with our Guests, Alisha & Catherine as we discuss their story and their struggles as a member of the LGBTQ+ community as it relates to their faith. Something huge that stood out for me was this idea that there is a difference in tolerance and acceptance. People don't want to be tolerated, they want to be loved and embraced. We hope you find this helpful in your journey to learning to love.
This is a shortened version due to the limited space of the post that Catherine wrote that is mentioned in this episode:
So here goes —the do’s and don’t’s of the Gay Mormon Experience:
If you have a loved one that is on this journey:
1. Don’t say “I love you, but I don’t want to know anything about that part of your life (or even worse) lifestyle"--we don't say people are living a Caucasian lifestyle or a male lifestyle--people are just living their life same as the gays.
2. Don’t tell them they are welcome at your house, but their gay self isn’t (they cannot separate these parts of themselves just as they cannot remove their race or gender when they enter your home)
3. Don’t remind them that you believe this is a choice--it’s hurtful to hear b/c typically it’s followed by “against God’s will.” Also it is irrelevant—you believing it’s a choice does not change that it wasn’t a choice for them.
4. DO NOT EQUATE BEING GAY TO OTHER SINS LIKE MURDER, PEDOPHILIA, OR BEASTIALITY—even if you believe it’s a sin there’s no need to rank it—1. Only God knows the true rank (if such a thing exists) and 2. The statement is false! (the “gay” act of a person does not kill anyone, violate children, or take advantage of animals so it is in fact not anything like murder, etc.)
5. Don’t publicly declare any belief or scripture that invalidates their human (and gay) experience—there is a time and a place for you to stand firm in your beliefs and convictions about your loved one’s gay experience and social media and the local grocery store are not it! Believe me your loved one knows exactly where you stand on their gayness so you don’t need to remind them—it is always hurtful. Also God knows so you don’t need to remind Him either.
1. Do constantly remind them that they are loved and belong with you—in whatever capacity that is for your relationship—the world is constantly bombarding them with messages of how they are unlovable, unworthy, and in extreme cases no longer God’s children-what they need from you is love and belonging
2. Do ask questions—the world doesn’t teach you how to be gay—we live in a straight privilege world so navigating the gay world takes courage and curiosity. We all have vocabulary that defines the straight experience (boyfriend/girlfriend, mom/dad, husband/wife)—but there isn’t a shared gay vocabulary—we are actively making it up as we go
3. Do talk about your struggle with their struggle—don’t pretend this isn’t hard for you—it is! There is no handbook on how to navigate the turbulent Gay Mormon waters…and so far most of the official stances of the Church have not clearly defined for members how to do this effectively. So talk about it—lovingly and openly—talk about it.
4. Do make efforts at understanding their perspective—to your gay loved one they did not “choose” this anymore than they chose the color of their skin—
5. Do remember that accepting they are gay is not the same as agreeing with them being gay—you can accept that your loved one is gay without violating any church standards or principals. I would even argue that it is imperative to accept their gayness just as you would accept their name and their existence. Your gay loved one needs to know that you love them and that you see them—you cannot see them if you don’t acknowledge that they are gay.
6. Do check in with them on how they feel you are doing in your efforts to support them—believe it or not just simply asking the question “Hey do you feel like I’m being supportive of you during this difficult time?” or “Hey how do you feel like I’m doing with you and the gay thing?” tells your loved one that you are doing your best to be supportive!!
7. Do make them feel valuable and needed—that their existence on earth matters
8. Do listen to the Spirit—never ever ever will God or the Holy Ghost inspire you to say something to them that would make them feel dirty, disgusting, or demonized. If you have those feelings in your heart or those words on your tongue they are not God inspired—they are in fact the opposite of that.
9. DO ALWAYS CHOOSE THEM! God is never going to make you choose between accepting your loved one and Him—and remember accepting them is not the same as agreeing with them. Accepting them looks like listening to them, hugging them, crying with them, working it out with them, asking questions with them, etc. Your loved one needs to know that someone will always choose them—because sometimes this journey is too hard for them to choose themselves.
This is a shortened version due to the limited space of the post that Catherine wrote that is mentioned in this episode:
So here goes —the do’s and don’t’s of the Gay Mormon Experience:
If you have a loved one that is on this journey:
1. Don’t say “I love you, but I don’t want to know anything about that part of your life (or even worse) lifestyle"--we don't say people are living a Caucasian lifestyle or a male lifestyle--people are just living their life same as the gays.
2. Don’t tell them they are welcome at your house, but their gay self isn’t (they cannot separate these parts of themselves just as they cannot remove their race or gender when they enter your home)
3. Don’t remind them that you believe this is a choice--it’s hurtful to hear b/c typically it’s followed by “against God’s will.” Also it is irrelevant—you believing it’s a choice does not change that it wasn’t a choice for them.
4. DO NOT EQUATE BEING GAY TO OTHER SINS LIKE MURDER, PEDOPHILIA, OR BEASTIALITY—even if you believe it’s a sin there’s no need to rank it—1. Only God knows the true rank (if such a thing exists) and 2. The statement is false! (the “gay” act of a person does not kill anyone, violate children, or take advantage of animals so it is in fact not anything like murder, etc.)
5. Don’t publicly declare any belief or scripture that invalidates their human (and gay) experience—there is a time and a place for you to stand firm in your beliefs and convictions about your loved one’s gay experience and social media and the local grocery store are not it! Believe me your loved one knows exactly where you stand on their gayness so you don’t need to remind them—it is always hurtful. Also God knows so you don’t need to remind Him either.
1. Do constantly remind them that they are loved and belong with you—in whatever capacity that is for your relationship—the world is constantly bombarding them with messages of how they are unlovable, unworthy, and in extreme cases no longer God’s children-what they need from you is love and belonging
2. Do ask questions—the world doesn’t teach you how to be gay—we live in a straight privilege world so navigating the gay world takes courage and curiosity. We all have vocabulary that defines the straight experience (boyfriend/girlfriend, mom/dad, husband/wife)—but there isn’t a shared gay vocabulary—we are actively making it up as we go
3. Do talk about your struggle with their struggle—don’t pretend this isn’t hard for you—it is! There is no handbook on how to navigate the turbulent Gay Mormon waters…and so far most of the official stances of the Church have not clearly defined for members how to do this effectively. So talk about it—lovingly and openly—talk about it.
4. Do make efforts at understanding their perspective—to your gay loved one they did not “choose” this anymore than they chose the color of their skin—
5. Do remember that accepting they are gay is not the same as agreeing with them being gay—you can accept that your loved one is gay without violating any church standards or principals. I would even argue that it is imperative to accept their gayness just as you would accept their name and their existence. Your gay loved one needs to know that you love them and that you see them—you cannot see them if you don’t acknowledge that they are gay.
6. Do check in with them on how they feel you are doing in your efforts to support them—believe it or not just simply asking the question “Hey do you feel like I’m being supportive of you during this difficult time?” or “Hey how do you feel like I’m doing with you and the gay thing?” tells your loved one that you are doing your best to be supportive!!
7. Do make them feel valuable and needed—that their existence on earth matters
8. Do listen to the Spirit—never ever ever will God or the Holy Ghost inspire you to say something to them that would make them feel dirty, disgusting, or demonized. If you have those feelings in your heart or those words on your tongue they are not God inspired—they are in fact the opposite of that.
9. DO ALWAYS CHOOSE THEM! God is never going to make you choose between accepting your loved one and Him—and remember accepting them is not the same as agreeing with them. Accepting them looks like listening to them, hugging them, crying with them, working it out with them, asking questions with them, etc. Your loved one needs to know that someone will always choose them—because sometimes this journey is too hard for them to choose themselves.